


One Step, Two Step

by marchtwentyfour



Category: GOT7
Genre: Bullying, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-05-17 09:43:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 56,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5864413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marchtwentyfour/pseuds/marchtwentyfour
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During a visit to his brother’s hospital, Im Jaebum meets Park Jinyoung who is 17 physically but 7 years old mentally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** : I don't know anything about mental illness other than those I found in the Internet. Some incidences in here are just made up and are in no way, a depiction of reality.

It was supposed to be like any other holiday they’ve had.

Every Chuseok, the Parks pack everything they could fit in their little car and then try to fit themselves in it, too. Then, they ride to where their Dad grew up in Gyeonggi-do, a province just east of Seoul. The car ride doesn’t usually take the whole day, probably just 3-4 hours if they’re lucky or 5 if not.

That particular day during Jinyoung’s 7 th birthday, it started raining even though it’s in the middle of summer. He saw his parents debating whether they should still continue the drive because it looks like the rain wouldn’t let up anytime soon.

“Maybe we should just celebrate here today, Dad.” Jinyoung heard his Mommy say. She was checking the news on the television and they all said that it’ll be a rainy Chuseok this year. “We can always go there next weekend, I’m sure they’ll understand.”

His Daddy looked sadly at the window where fat drops of water hit it every second, blurring the already gloomy view of Seoul’s road outside their house. Jinyoung followed his Dad and went to the window, squishing his face on the glass.

“We’re not going, Dad?”

Chuseok was possibly Jinyoung’s favorite holiday. Even though he didn’t get gifts he gets to spend the whole day with his parents, on the road too! While going to places with lots of trees and flowers! Plus, his grandparents loves him to bits and hands him cookies every time he grins at them. Not being able to go will dampen his already gloomy holiday.

His Dad gave his sad face a fond smile before reaching out to ruffle his hair. “We are, son.”

It took them less than an hour to gather everything they needed to bring in their journey. Jinyoung excitedly brought his teddy as he ran around, entertaining his parents as they carried everything to the car. His Chuseok will be better, after all!

“Ready, Jinyoung?” His mommy asked him, crouching down to fix his collar and then bringing a jacket to wrap around his small body. “You should wear this so you won’t get cold later. It’ll be a long ride, hm?”

Jinyoung nodded as he wrapped himself with the warm jacket. He smiled when he managed to wear it properly by himself, twirling slowly to show it off to his mom. “How does it look, mommy?” he asked.

“Perfect,” She winked at him before standing up and handing her his hand. “Let’s go?”

Jumping up to take her hand, he giggled excitedly. “Let’s go, let’s go! Go, go, go!”

Soon, they were slightly damp from running through the rain to get inside their small car. With Shinhwa’s songs blasting from the speakers and kimbap on their hands, they travelled through the heavy summer rain. There weren’t a lot of cars out, but the roads were so slippery, they couldn’t rush past any car.

“How long till we get there, Mommy?” Jinyoung asked from the back seat, his feet folded under his knees with toys scattered either of his side. They’ve been in the road for almost 4 hours now and Gyeonggi-do is still a good 2 or 3 hours away. He was bored and not even his teddy could keep him entertained.

His Dad was busy driving and his Mom was already asleep. Jinyoung was in near tears, his back hurting from having been sitting too long. All he wanted was to get to his grandparent’s house and eat cookies and climb trees.

So his Dad turned to give him a reassuring smile for a second, but that second was all it took.  

In that second, as the car is crossing a rather slippery bridge, their car swerved to the side just as the van at the back was about to overtake them. The hit, too fast and unexpected, managed to crash both cars with each other really hard that their car twirled three times in the road, hit two more cars, before the front crashed hard on the side of the bridge.

Jinyoung didn’t even manage to process everything as his vision twirled and his nose itched and his body ached. Before he knew it, he could hear the screams and screeching of cars fade in his mind.

It didn’t take long for Jinyoung to lose consciousness, seeing his Daddy and Mommy lying bloody at the front with the glass hitting their faces.

It didn’t take very long for Jinyoung to see the last of his parents and his childhood. 

 

It took longer than anyone would have hoped for Jinyoung to wake up. 

 

When Jinyoung opened his eyes, the sight before him was blurry and he felt his head throb. For a few seconds he felt disoriented, thinking he probably fell asleep in front of his grandparent’s fireplace and it probably muddled his brain. Then he realized there was no fire in front of him and he definitely wasn’t in his grandparent’s house. Oh and that there are needles prickling his arms!

Where was he? 

Like what any other 7 year would do when they realize they’re in a place they’re unfamiliar with, Jinyoung opened his mouth wide and screamed the only word he knew would keep him safe.

“MOMMY!”

Immediately, someone from outside opened the door. She was wearing a white blouse and white pants with a white hat on her head? Her smile was nice, but she wasn’t Mommy and all Jinyoung wants is Mommy.

“Oh, you’re awake--”

With tears in his eyes, he screamed once again, “MOMMY! I WANT MY MOMMY!”

That’s when she realized something was terribly wrong.

Jinyoung was in a hospital, the kind nurse told him. He was asleep for a long time and has finally woken up, she added. Then she patted his head and gave him a candy and told him to wait for her because she needs to call his doctor.

Why was he in the hospital? Good boys don’t get brought to the hospital, that’s why he always ate his apples every day. Why were the apples not working? Or was it because he slept past his bedtime on his birthday? It wasn’t his fault, really, teddy wanted to read the latest volume of One Piece! 

Speaking, where was teddy? Why didn’t teddy come with him? And where are Mommy and Daddy? Did they leave him because he’s a bad boy?  

Before Jinyoung knew it, he was crying again. “MOMMY! DADDY! DON’T LEAVE ME!”

Luckily, before Jinyoung could make a mess of himself and jump down the bed, the door opened to reveal a man wearing a white coat followed by the kind lady that gave him candy. Since she was nice, he thought the doctor is probably safe. She wouldn’t bring someone who’ll hurt him, right?

“Good morning, Mr. Park. How are you feeling?” He asked, a kind smile on his face that eased Jinyoung’s nerves a bit.

“Okay. Where’s my mommy?” He couldn’t help himself.

He just smiled again, but it didn’t look as bright as the first one he gave him. The old man walked to his side and raised the stethoscope. He stopped and looked at Jinyoung as if asking for his permission so he just nodded. He saw this on dramas his Mommy watched.

The doctor hummed a nice melody that let Jinyoung forget about the cold metal on his skin. Then he nodded at the nice lady as she wrote down something on the clipboard she was holding. This, he saw on those dramas as well. He remembers that the next part is where they give him the news. Was he going to die?

“You’re healthy as far as your vital signs say, Mr. Park.” He told him proudly then paused, “But, may I ask what your age is? We didn’t seem to catch it…”

Why would they catch his age? This man talks funnily. “I’m seven years old!” Jinyoung announced with 7 of his fingers raised in front of him. “I’m a grown boy now!”

The man smiled again, but he didn’t look happy at all. Was Jinyoung wrong? Did he raise the wrong number of fingers? He used to do that back when he was 4, but he knew his counting numbers now.

“Well, Mr. Park, we’ll leave you here to rest. You’ve been asleep for a long time so everything must be confusing for you.” He bowed slightly at him before leaving the room.

“Another nurse will come here soon, okay? We’ll come back,” the nice lady reassured him then handed him another candy.

 

Soon, after Jinyoung dozed off, he was awaken by another group of people wearing white entering with a bed. He already has a bed, why did they bring a new one here?

“Hi, my name is Doctor Song, we have to bring you to another room. Can you move to this bed, Jinyoung?” She asked, letting the boys move the bed to make them side by side with his current one. “Can you do it by yourself?”

“Of course! I’m a grown boy!” he huffed then moved his hand--had they always been this long-- to steady himself and--

“Mr. Park!”

“Are you alright?”

“Help him up!”

Jinyoung fell on the floor, his limbs aching and not because of the fall he just had. They hurt because they felt foreign on his body, as if he hasn’t used them for a long time or that he hasn’t used them at all.

His eyes roamed at the mess of strange set of limbs on the floor and realized that they were his. Then, just as he was about to speak again, he realized that his voice didn’t sound like his at all.

Like what any other 7 year old would do when thrust in an unexpected situation, he could only scream, “MOMMY!”

It took a lot of calming and soothing words and with the help of the nurses to get Jinyoung on the bed. They pushed the bed towards a hallway full of doors until they reached one with his name on it. One of the male nurses smiled down at him and held his hand when he looked nervous.

This room didn’t look any different from the one before, but there was a lock on the door with a small glass to view on the very top. Were they locking him in? Did he do something wrong?

When they were all done moving him back to the bed, (this time he didn't try and help them as he would probably be more of a problem) some of the men went back until the only left in the room were Doctor Song and the nurse that held his hand. They were both nice so he didn't try to cry again. Grown boys shouldn't cry so much, he reminded himself.

"Is there something wrong with me?" he asked her, but she just smiled at him.

"It's just that you've been asleep for a long time, Mr. Park. We don't know yet if there's a problem so we have to ask you some questions to find out. Is that okay? Or do you want to rest a bit? Maybe a soup to warm up your tummy?" she asked kindly and Jinyoung felt guilty for being a mess.

He shook his head. He drank water earlier and he isn't that hungry, surprisingly. Maybe he could wheedle in some pizza from them later.

"Okay, then!" She clapped her hands and nodded at the guy. "Usually I hold these questions strictly in my office, but we can do this here for today. Just tell me when you start having problems remembering, okay?"

He nodded again.

The questions were fairly simple like what his name was and when his birthday was. They asked about his school and his friends and he even told them about teddy. They asked about his favorite color and his favorite food and his favorite holiday.

When Jinyoung answered "Chuseok," he felt his head throb that he winced and they immediately looked concerned. He smiled weakly at their concern and shook his head. He can do better than this!

"How about your parents? Do you remember your parents?"

Of course, Jinyoung remembers his parents. He remembers how his Mom gave him a jacket when he's cold and his Dad would sing to  _ Eusha Eusha _ as if it wasn't raining really hard. He even remembers the kimbap he ate while on the car--

"Are you okay, Jinyoung? Should we take a short break?" Doctor Song asked him, touching his arm.

Jinyoung heard the screams and screeching of cars fade in his mind and then he saw his parents bloodied in front of the car as the rain continued pouring around them. When he opened his eyes, he looked at Doctor Song's concerned face and asked, "What happened to mommy and daddy?"

*

 

Jaebum felt his heart constrict when he saw the ambulance carry the body of his younger brother farther away from him. His Mom rode the ambulance and he was supposed to follow by taxi to carry some of Youngjae's and his Mom's clothes with him. Their Dad wasn't home yet and he's still clueless as to what just happened.

Silently, Jaebum entered his brother's bedroom and felt his heart constrict some more at the photos hanging on the wall. Youngjae's room was clean without a speck of dust on sight, he probably got it from  _ him _ . As best as he could, he ignored the photos of the three of them smiling on the walls and the guilt crawling in his throat, threatening to eat him up.

After stuffing a few pants, shirt and boxers inside the duffel bag, Jaebum ran out of the room and locked it. Ever since the incident happened almost a year ago, he tried not to enter Youngjae's room and it was an easy task because Youngjae didn't want him there. Not after what he did.

It took him another 30 minutes to get everything he needed both for Youngjae and his Mom like toothbrushes and soap. He contemplated to bring his things too, but he won't be allowed to stay overnight because he still had school tomorrow. He locked their whole house and hailed a cab to bring him to the hospital.

On the way, he thought it's best to break the news to his Dad. He's probably finishing the major proposal he went in for on a Sunday, but Jaebum knows his Dad loves the both of them and wouldn't mind the disturbance to be notified of Youngjae's…

"Dad? Yeah. No. You don't need to buy chicken for dinner. Actually, you need to get to the hospital after work since we're all there? Why?" Jaebum swallowed hard and fought the tears falling on his face, "We found Youngjae in his room… he… Dad, he… he attempted to kill himself."

At those words spoken out loud, Jaebum couldn't help the tears that flooded his eyes. He heard his Dad's stuttered breath and knew that he must be worried as hell. He knew that it would only take his Dad 15 minutes to sort out his work before he hurried to the hospital, work be damned.

"Yes, he's… I think he's okay. I hope he is." he paused as the tears continued to fall. "I'm  _ afraid _ , Dad. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, sorry."

Jaebum doesn't understand why he has to apologize because he knows his parents doesn't blame him at all. No one blames him for what happened six months ago and for what is happening to his younger brother. That's probably why he's carrying everything really seriously. Because if he doesn't punish himself, no one will. And he needed that, he needed the punishment because he knows he deserves it.

It's been six months ever since  _ it  _ happened and six months ever since Youngjae closed off from everyone. It's been six months ever since Jaebum regretted every single decision he made and every word he spoke. Oh what he would give to go back to the feeling of being left out six months ago rather than being ignored six months after. If only he knew the pain is much worse to bear, maybe he wouldn't have done anything-- or said anything at all.

It's too late though, because at this moment, Youngjae is suffering the consequences.

"We're here, sir."

Jaebum didn't even realize (he had been busy crying) that they had already arrived at the hospital. He took enough money for the fare and then some to give to the driver before getting out. His steps towards the entrance were as heavy as his heart felt right this moment.

The lady on the Information Booth smiled pleasantly at him. She didn't even looked fazed at his tear stained face and messy clothes (she probably saw a number of people like him on an hourly, even minutely, basis) and just waited patiently for him to say what he needed.

"Err, uh is Im Youngjae alright?" Jaebum grimaced at the stupidity of his question. "I mean, where could I find an Im Youngjae?"

She just continued smiling at him. "Just a moment please." Then she turned to the monitor on her left and presumably searched for where his brother was currently staying. After a few agonizing seconds, she looked up at him. "Is it Im Youngjae, the one that's been admitted here about 30 minutes ago via an ambulance?"

He gulped and nodded.  "Yes, ma'am."

"Can you please state your name and relation to the patient?"

"Uhm, Im Jaebum, his brother."

She smiled once again and typed on her computer. "He was just transferred to room 424. You may use the elevator at the corridor at the left. Thank you."

Jaebum breathed a bit better when she told him that Youngjae's staying at a room already. It's a relief that he's not in operation or worse, dea--. Hitting himself lightly on the head, he smiled grimly at the receptionist and gave her a small bow before going to the way she instructed. The elevator wasn't that hard to miss so he rode with another guy just the same height as he is who was munching on a bag of chips.

When the door opened to level 4 and he got out, he realized he didn't know what to do and what to expect. He felt himself get clammy at the nervousness he felt as he walked towards room 424. On the slit by the door, the words  _ Im Youngjae  _ was written.

Just as he was about to knock, the door opened to revealed his Mom. She was still wearing the apron she was wearing while she was washing the dishes just 30 minutes ago. Her smile eased his nerves a bit, but not enough for his knees to stop shaking on where he stood.

“Is he… is he okay, Mom?" Jaebum asked her.

She nodded and then led him inside the room, closing the door beside him. "He's fine, the doctors were able to stabilize him earlier and he's just on oxygen and IV for now. He's still asleep from what the doctors gave him so don't worry yourself too much."

The room was white, just like how all the rooms in those dramas are. Youngjae's bed is near the window and the IV drip and oxygen tank were on either side of the bed. There's a bedside table with a vase, but there are no flowers in it yet. Jaebum reminded himself to buy some as soon as he could.

"When will he be able to get out, Mom?" he asked again, sitting down on the couch where she sat.

"We don't know yet. The doctors want to keep a close eye on him since this was, after all, a sui…" The look she had on her face can only be described as pain. She couldn't even continue her words and that saddened Jaebum because he knew that his Mom was probably suffering from thinking that she almost lost a son today.

"It's okay, Mom. They'll take good care of him here."

They didn't talk for a long while, the both of them just staring straight at where Youngjae was lying asleep on the bed. She looked worried and afraid and pained all at the same time that Jaebum felt the guilt trying to claw its way up his throat once again.

He did this. He drove his brother mad to the point that Youngjae was left no choice but to try and take his own life. Jaebum couldn't describe all the feelings running through him at this point because this was all  _ him _ . There was no one else to blame but him and yet, no one is doing the blaming.

It didn't take even 30 more minutes for his Dad to come bursting through the door with his suitcase in hand. He placed it by the door and gave his wife a tight hug. His eyes were watery, no doubt the result of a few tears on the way here. His parents loved the two of them and weren't afraid to show their emotions. The whole scenario just made Jaebum want to cry some more.

Just as he was about to get up and maybe stay away from this room and his parents, there was someone coming in again. She had three male nurses with her who was pushing a bed just behind her.

"Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Im. My name is Doctor Song of the Psychology Department at the 6th floor. We understand that your son tried to commit suicide," she looked apologetic at the pain that graced his parent's face at those words. "It may be physical, but the reason he did this might be the cause of some mental problems. We would like to transfer him there to further watch him carefully."

“Do you think he'll be okay, Doctor?" Jaebum heard his Mom ask, her voice shaking a bit.

Doctor Song nodded. "If we do this the right way, he would be."

Jaebum heard his parents agree to the transfer and watched as the three male moved Youngjae to the other bed. Soon, they were walking out of the room and towards a freight elevator that is probably made for these kind of things.

It is probably lucky that they have a cousin who's a nurse at the Psychology Department of this hospital. He knew that the only reason his parents were so accepting of the thought that there might be a problem with Youngjae mentally is because they loved him dearly and because Junhyeok had already explained about mental illnesses when he first got in there.

As his Mom and Dad went with Doctor Song to her office and left Jaebum alone in the room with an unconscious Youngjae, he knew that things won't ever be the same again. At least, with him.

When Youngjae was still perfectly fine at home ignoring Jaebum, a Youngjae in the hospital could keep him out of the room by locking it during the time he knew his brother would visit. It wouldn't take a genius to find out that Jaebum could only come after school hours, from 5PM to 7PM, wherein he needs to go back home and finish his homework. During weekends, the other boy is busy with treatments and walks outside the park to even spare him a moment.

His Mom, who stays with Youngjae, is confused as to why her son is acting like this to his older brother. But she didn't want to push Jaebum into explaining things to her. She just gave him a sad smile whenever he comes to visit, and Youngjae refuses to see him.

But Jaebum never stops, he stays at the bench on the waiting area of 6th floor. He stays there until it's time to go home and hope that tomorrow will be different. It never usually is.

Before anyone knew it, three weeks has passed by and Youngjae is announced to be doing a bit better, but they had to still watch over him. The doctors wouldn't tell them exactly why, and Junhyeok is tight-lipped about it.

So Jaebum continued spending his time on the waiting place and watched whatever was on the television. He had to waste another hour and a half before he had to go home, so he decided to get a box of juice or a cup of coffee at the vending machine at the left wing. He could go down to the cafeteria, but was too lazy to do so.

When Jaebum got there, there was only one guy in front of him. For some reason, the boy looks familiar and Jaebum realized that he has seen him several times already roaming around the ward. He was as short as he is and was wearing the standard patient uniform of the Psychiatry Department. Knowing the other boy must be going through something, he waited patiently for his turn.

"Why isn't it falling downnnn?" The boy in front of him whined.

Jaebum didn't want to meddle with someone else's problems, so he tried not to comment. Where was his nurse? Shouldn't the guy be tending to him or something? But no one came and the boy continued to push a 1,000 won bill to a machine that only accepts coins. Doesn't the boy know that?

Just when Jaebum decided he should just go down to get some proper food at the cafeteria, the boy faced him with red eyes and pouty lips. He was terribly cute, looking like a child with that facial expression gracing him.

"Mister, why is the selling box so nasty to me? I just wanted some choco!" the boy wailed and then rushed to Jaebum and wrapped his arms around his neck. He felt hot tears on his skin and knew the other must be crying now. "Choco!" 

Shocked, Jaebum didn't know how to react because how many times had a complete stranger come up to and randomly hug him? Tightly, he might add. Realizing the other must be in extreme distress, he decided to reach to the other's back and rub soothing circles.

"It's okay. I'll help you, uh, get choco." Jaebum winced because he was speaking like a child. He couldn't help it, the boy was speaking like a child to him even though they looked like they were the same age.

Suddenly, he heard a familiar voice behind him.

"Jinyoung! What happened?" Junhyeok ran in front of Jaebum and the boy--Jinyoung?--immediately turned to him. "What happened to you? Why are you crying? I just checked up on your next treatment and you were gone!"

"I wanted to show you I was a big boy and buy my own choco! Dahyun noona gave me money, too! See!" Jinyoung, presumably, raised the money as if it was a trophy. "But the selling box won't give me any! It's mean!"

"Oh Jinyoung, you need coins for that." Junhyeok smiled and ruffled Jinyoung's hair before turning to face Jaebum. Probably to apologize but was surprised when he only saw his cousin. "Oh! I wondered where you've gone. I'm sorry about Jinyoung, he's a bit emotional."

"M’not emotional!" Jinyoung pouted then turned to Jaebum with a smile so bright he forgot for a moment that the boy was crying just a second ago. "I'm Jinyoung. I'm 7!" 

It wasn’t intentional, but things just seemed to have happened for Jaebum.

Since Youngjae is still in the hospital, he still visits every day from 5PM to 7PM and whole days on weekends. Except, now, instead of staying the whole time at the waiting place of the 6th floor, he would first knock on Youngjae’s door to see if the younger boy would talk to him. If he doesn’t and he knew he wouldn’t change his mind soon, he would go to the room across Youngjae’s.

“Jinyoung-ah! Hyung is here!” Jaebum would call softly and in less than a second, the room would open and reveal said boy. Jinyoung always has a bright smile on his face and eyes twinkling with an innocence just like any other 7 year old do. Except, he wasn’t quite 7.

“Jinyoung’s been with us for 10 years now.” Junhyeok told him when he walked him to the entrance of the hospital on the day the two met by the vending machine. “He was in a coma for 10 years and just woke up about a month ago. He believes he’s still 7.”

“What happened to him?” Jaebum couldn’t help asking. “And where were his parents?”

“They got into a car accident 10 years ago. His parents died and he survived, but just barely.” Junhyeok opened the door of the entrance and seemed to debate whether he should continue or not. “His grandparents stayed with him the first 3 years, but the pain of losing their son and seeing their grandson in a coma was probably too much to take. They died a month after each other.”

Jaebum processed the words that came out of his cousin’s mouth. “So… Jinyoung’s alone?” he asked, “I mean, he has no family that comes to visit him and take care of him?”

“None. His grandparents said that they’re not in contact with the other side of the family. We have no idea if he has cousins or uncles out there willing to take him in,” Junhyeok smiled sadly at him. “Which is a waste because anyone who’ll have Jinyoung in their life is fairly lucky.”

“Jinyoung’s 17, but he thinks he’s 7? Does he even know how to read yet?” Jaebum asked again and the sad smile on Junhyeok’s face says it all. “Why not? This is a hospital!”

“And people pay for treatments, Jaebum.”

“But--”

Junhyeok stopped him before he could complain any longer. “All the Doctors we could get loves him and are willing to give him free treatment, but we can’t give him everything. They have work too and has to sneak Jinyoung in their schedule. The hospital is already paying for his room and food.” he sighed, “I wish I could do more.”

Jaebum does, too, but they may be rich, but he’s still just a senior High School student who has University exams to worry about. Even then, how can anyone walk away from someone like Jinyoung?

“I’ll teach him.”

Junhyeok frowned at him. “What?”

“Doctors can give him treatments so he can… uh, get older? Learn his age?” Jaebum didn’t know how to convey the words. “I’ll teach him the other basics like reading and writing and counting. I know you want to, but you have other jobs to do, hyung.”

Junhyeok was still frowning, but he was thinking it over. “Why?”

Because he has to repay someone, somehow. Because he wanted to do something right for the first time. Because he wants to see someone happy because of him. Because he could see the kid Youngjae was in Jinyoung’s eyes. Because he wants another shot at being an older brother.  

Even though there were a lot of things running in his mind, Jaebum could only say, “Youngjae.”

Junhyeok understood. 

“Hyung is back!” Jinyoung raised his fist as a way of greeting. “Hi hyung! I did all the assignments you left me yesterday!”

“Did you?” Jaebum humored him, entering the room and closing the door behind him. “Why don’t I see it, then?”

Jinyoung immediately reached for the notebook on his bed while Jaebum sat on the couch by the door. He left Jinyoung homework on mathematics that the boy seemed to enjoy. Why? He had no idea. Who enjoys Math anyway? Jinyoung’ll probably hate it too, when he grows up… mentally, that is.

“Here, hyung! I did my best!” Jinyoung sat beside him, legs crossing under his body as he leaned over Jaebum’s space.

Jinyoung did fairly well. Jaebum was almost amazed at how the other easily picked up the things they tackled yesterday. Sure, there were some mistakes here and there, but they weren’t too major and he knew he could amend that with a few more explanation.

“Good job! You only made 7 mistakes!” Jaebum beamed at Jinyoung, but the other was frowning. “What’s wrong?”

“I… I wanted a perfect score!” Jinyoung started crying. This was probably the only thing Jaebum disliked about Jinyoung. The boy cries a lot. It’s like every time that he didn’t get his way or there was something wrong or when he’s upset, he cries as if that’s the natural reaction to it. Which is a huge difference for when he’s happy.

“Hey, that’s not bad. Most 7 year olds get this wrong, too! You’re actually more advanced than all of them combined!” Jaebum had put on his best encouraging smile, hoping that Jinyoung would get it and won’t be upset anymore. “Cheer up, okay?”

Instead of smiling, Jinyoung just teared up more. “B-but I’m not 7! I’m older! And I think like 7! I’m so stupid!” Then he ran to his bed and hid under the blankets like an overgrown lump. If Jinyoung wasn’t so upset, Jaebum would’ve ran over and tickled the hell out of the boy.

Although now, at least, he knows what’s really bothering Jinyoung. For the one week they started seeing each other, Jinyoung is overly childish or crying so hard. The poor boy must be confused on who he really is and that there’s no one there to guide him through it. Doctors and nurses can only do as much.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Don’t cry,” he moved to the bed and rubbed circles on the boy’s back. “You’ll get it right next time. Mistakes are fine, even when you’re 7 or even if you’re 17.”

Jinyoung’s head peaked peeked from under the blanket, his eyes wet with tears. It’s quite funny to see on a teenager, but Jaebum knew better than to say anything about it. “D-do you make mistakes too, hyung?”

Jaebum froze. 

The question was utterly innocent and spoken in such pure curiosity that Jaebum found it hard to look away. Oh, how many mistakes he’s already made through his years and he doubts Jinyoung should hear all of them. It might scare him to get older. 

“Yeah, yeah, I did and I learned from them,” too late though. “So you’ll learn from them, too.”

Jinyoung looked like he didn’t believe him at first, but the look Jaebum had on his eyes probably spoke for himself because the boy soon left the bundle of blankets and went back to the seat beside Jaebum.

“Ready again?”

Jinyoung huffed. “I always am, you know.”

Jaebum laughed and ruffled the other’s hair. “Tell you what, if you correct these mistakes you made from this I’ll buy you cookies. Kitten shaped cookies from my favorite bakery shop. How’s that, huh?”

At this, Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “I DON’T WANT TO EAT KITTENS!” 

Then Jaebum would laugh and explain that they’re not really kittens, but cookies just shaped like them. He assured him that no animals were harmed in the making of said cookies. It was only when Jaebum pinky-promised did Jinyoung exaggeratedly gave up and said he’d allow his little hyung to buy him cookies.

“Y-you brat!” Jaebum exclaimed then went and tackled Jinyoung, tickling him where he knew the boy was weak. “We’re just the same height, brat!”

Laughing, Jinyoung tried to push Jaebum off without success. “Yes, but you’re older hyung!”

No one mentioned just how much older Jaebum really is.

After lessons on reading, writing, science and math, the two of them goes went out to get some choco or ice cream. Jaebum taught Jinyoung how to use the selling box--”Vending machine, okay?” “Bending, hyung? Does it twirl, too?”--and how to tie his shoe lace. He taught him how to properly brush his teeth and how to punch, albeit a bit weak.

That was how their days went. The first part on studies and the second on Jinyoung getting to know himself and also getting to know each other. It doesn’t really change a lot because Jaebum found out that there are a lot of things that Jinyoung had missed out on like how to use the television and what mobile games are.

(Jinyoung was stuck on Snake for a whole one week before finally giving up and moving on to Bounce.)  

Jinyoung got to run around the hospital park with Jaebum and also eat kitten cookies while drinking choco inside his room. He was introduced to ramen with cheese and loads of greasy hamburgers.

All at once, Jaebum tried to give Jinyoung what he felt like the boy missed and all that he could give. There was no other better satisfaction than to see Jinyoung throw him his brightest smile before laughing out loud.

Before they knew it, another month has passed and Jinyoung’s birthday was looming close.

Before Jaebum knew it, he had forgotten about the pain he’s been holding and the burn of Youngjae’s hatred towards him.

Before they knew it, things were too late.  

When the month of September entered and cold autumn air started making its presence, Jaebum had to bundle Jinyoung in a scarf because the boy seemed to easily get sick. Not to mention the fact that he started became restless with his moods switching from one to another.

"His birthday is in September," Junhyeok told him with a smile that turned to a frown. "And that was also the month that the accident happened. I wonder if he's starting to remember now…"

On the second week, instead of switching from one to another, Jinyoung's mood just stayed sad and heartbroken that Jaebum has a hard time catching up with him. The doctors said that Jinyoung's probably remembering them through nightmares that he seems to get, but the boy won't tell them so they can't confirm anything. The only thing that seemed to make him any happier are Jaebum's visits.

"What if you had to stop, Jaebum?" Junhyeok may be his cousin, but it was obvious that to the older boy, his patients are equally as important to him as family are. "What would happen to him, then?"

Jaebum shook his head. "I'm not going to stop!"

"You say that now, but what  _ if _ ?" Junhyeok continued, his stance obviously guarded. He has probably thought about this a lot. "Jinyoung is fragile and his reliance on you isn't healthy if you'll just leave. And you will, you have to. There's College, remember?"

Oh. In the span of less than 2 months, Jaebum had almost forgotten his plans of studying abroad for University. Honestly, at the start of the year, he hasn't even thought about leaving., but what happened in the past 8 months had made him realize he had to, if he wanted to stay a little bit sane.

"I--I can stay." Jaebum was still the top of his class now that… _ he _ is gone. "I'll stay."

But Junhyeok shook his head. "Remember what happened to Youngjae, Jaebum? Jinyoung's reliance on you is almost as… loyal as Youngjae was to  _ him _ . He would be devastated if you were to leave. And you will, one of these days you will. You can't stay here in the hospital every day."

Jaebum almost had half a mind to suggest he could study to be a doctor or a nurse, but they both knew he couldn't. What happened with Youngjae was too much bear for him to even  _ think  _ about curing anyone else, Jinyoung was just an exception.

Sometimes, Jaebum forgets that Jinyoung's even a patient that's a year younger than him because all he sees is a 7 year old boy excited for kitten cookies and choco.

“Think about what you have to do, Jaebum. Think about Jinyoung and Youngjae, but, mostly, think about yourself,” Junhyeok reminded him before patting him on the back and leaving to go back to the nurse’s quarters.

This is why, when Jaebum knocked on Jinyoung’s door and the boy opened it only to envelope him in a tight hug, Jaebum returned the gesture. He doesn’t know why it’s even happening and he’s in a mess, so he let it happen and seeked sought comfort in the warm embrace.

Even when Jaebum thinks of Jinyoung as a 7 year old, he couldn’t deny that Jinyoung was 17 with his built and height. The warmth radiating from the other boy was comforting and he could inhale the faint smell of medicine in the boy’s neck. He couldn’t deny that Jinyoung is  _ not  _ a kid, even though he thinks like one.

It was only when Jinyoung let go of him that he realized they were hugging in front of the door, viewable by one who passed and anyone who even checked. It’s not that he’s embarrassed, but he knew this was a bit inappropriate for a hospital, no matter how innocent the touch was.

“Let’s go inside, okay?” he told Jinyoung who smiled briefly at him before going inside. He soon followed and took his favorite place on the couch. “So? Is there anything wrong?”

inyoung sat beside him and looked up at him, quiet at first. He opened his mouth and closed it a few times, as if continuously debating with himself over what he was going to say. “I… I thought you weren’t going to come, hyung.” his voice was weak and Jaebum wanted to reach out and pat his back but refrained from doing so.

Instead, he just asked, “Why would you think that? I always come.” 

Jinyoung nodded and bit his lip. “You were late today. I was counting.”

Oh. Jaebum was late because Junhyeok pulled him to the side to talk to him. Also, Junhyeok was right about the fact that Jaebum had become a huge part of Jinyoung and that him leaving… he didn’t even want to think about it. If Jinyoung was so hurt about him being late, he didn’t know what the boy would do if he never came back.

Suddenly, Jinyoung jumped up to stand and stood in front of him with his pinky-finger raised. “Promise me, hyung! Promise me!” he demanded.

“Promise you what?”

“My birthday… it’s in 2 weeks. I want you to come.” Jinyoung waved his pinky-finger in front of his face. “Promise me you’ll come!”

Jaebum frowned. “In two weeks? Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t even have a gift for you, yet!” His thoughts immediately planned where he could and what he should buy. Maybe the toy shop near the coffee shop? 

Jinyoung pouted, his pinky-finger still raised. “It’s on the 22nd. Promise me!”

Just as Jaebum was about to raise his pinky finger and make the promise, he realized what the 22nd was.

“Oh, Jinyoung! That’s my Dad’s birthday, too!” Jaebum felt his heart breaking at the realization of this. Every year, his Dad hosts a birthday party for his close friends and family held at their backyard. Also, every year, Jaebum hosts it just like he would be doing this year.

With Jaebum’s sudden exclamation, Jinyoung stepped back with his finger put down as well. He looked like he’d been struck, but was trying really hard not to cry. In fact, now that he thinks about it, Jinyoung has been crying less… actually, he hasn’t cried in the past week at all.

Struggling, Jaebum tried to put out some words to assure Jinyoung. “I-I want to come for your birthday. But. My Dad’s birthday means I  _ have  _ to be there and I already promised him months ago. I’m sorry?”

Jinyoung looked sad and his eyes were downcast, his fingers gripping his pants tightly. It was so obvious that he was trying not to show he was upset.

“Hey, I can still come?” Jaebum was trying to analyze exactly  _ how  _ he could achieve this. The party starts at 1PM, but he has to help at home in the morning so he can’t visit then. There’s the program and some special performances from his nieces and nephews. After the presentations, there’s food for snacks before the games start. Then dinner and drinks for the adults while dinner and play time with the children. If he’s lucky, dinner will be served at 7PM and will be done by 8PM and he could leave. But can he?

Jinyoung didn’t look impressed either, by the way he was looking warily at him. “It’s okay, hyung. You don’t have to force yourself.”

But Jinyoung was so dejected and it hurt to see him that way. “No, it’s okay! I’ll come, but I won’t be here until it’s time for your bedtime. Is that okay?” he asked, already calculating how long he’d take from his house to here. Will his parents even approve of him leaving early? Currently, Jaebum doesn’t really care.

“That’s too late though…”

Jaebum raised his pinky finger and had it on eye level with Jinyoung, “I promise.”  

 

Life outside of the hospital was fairly normal and boring, honestly. Jaebum wakes up a good two hours before he has to leave for school. He washes up, studies for the day and even do some occasional unfinished homeworks, takes a shower, gets dressed, eats breakfast with his parents and by 7:15, he’s out of the door on his bicycle.

School was dull in a way that all he does is study, socialize a bit, work on club duties and then leave. He has friends like Yeonghyun and Jaehyung to keep him entertained during lunch, but they’re both occupied with each other to really bother with him.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Jaebum?” Jaehyung had asked, peering at his sleepy form.

“Yeah,” he answered, waving him off. “Just a bit sleepy.”

Yeonghyun was the one who peaked at him next, “That doesn’t look like a bit, right Jae?”

Jaehyung nodded. “What’s really wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, okay?” Jaebum didn’t want them talking about the past, which he knew they would try to bring up sooner rather than later.

Yeonghyun had opened his big mouth and said, “After he die--”

“No.” he shot the other guy down, not wanting to hear it. “I’m fine. I’m okay.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Jaehyung countered.

“Sure-sure that you’re okay-okay?” Yeonghyun reiterated, although not making enough sense.

As firmly as he could, he answered, “Yes, I am.”

That was the end of it because Jaehyung and Yeonghyun had been friends with him for a long time (not as long as  _ him _ , though) to know that Jaebum won’t talk. They hated that about him and never forgot to remind him of it, but they didn’t really have a choice.

After school and after declining his friend’s and classmate’s invitations to hang out, he heads home to drop off his school bag and to change clothes. The same could be said with life at home. They eat dinner, talk a bit and then he’d help his Mom with the dishes. Sometimes, when he knew his Mom was tired from being at the hospital a lot, he’d offer to do it himself. 

But nothing was enough to have him distracted like the way Jinyoung distracted him. It’s not long before he’s out of the door and running towards the hospital immediately. 

The same could be said with life at home. They eat dinner, talk a bit and then he’d help his Mom with the dishes. Sometimes, when he knew his Mom was tired from being at the hospital a lot, he’d offer to do it himself. But nothing was enough to have him distracted like the way Jinyoung distracted him.

It was all about to change.

“Hey, Jaebum,” his Mom called him after he finished drying the dishes.

Hearing the importance in her tone of voice, he walked towards where she was seating on the couch. “Yes, Mom? Why aren’t you asleep yet? You have to wake up early tomorrow.”

She just smiled at him. “Your Dad’s birthday is in a week.”

“Yeah,” And so is Jinyoung’s birthday. He had already bought a gift yesterday: a box of their favorite kitten cookies and an mp3 player. “What of it?”

“The doctor said Youngjae can come home for the day,” she told him and even though there’s a tinge of happiness in her expression, the worry was as plain as day. “We have to bring him back at 8PM, but because he’s doing well, he hasn’t… seen…”

Yes, the doctor had been updating them that Youngjae has being doing well and hasn’t shown any signs of suicide (yet). This must be some sort of trial to see if Youngjae could do it without help.

Jaebum reached over and wrapped his Mom in a tight embrace. “Hey, it’s okay to get worried, Mom. That’s normal.” he whispered to her even though he doesn’t believe his words either.

“But what if--”

“Mom.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to see him like that again, Jaebum.”

“Me too, Mom. Me too.” Jaebum whispered, “I’ll look out for him, if you want. Try and see what he’s doing and where he is, just in case. Is that okay?” 

Immediately, her eyes brightened and that seemed like the best thing Jaebum has said. “Will you? Please? I know Youngjae is old enough to look after himself, but the last time he… Please?”

“Of course, Mom. I’m the one who suggested it, right?” Jaebum held her even tighter, wishing that everything would go alright if not for himself (because who is he who to deserve Youngjae’s forgiveness), but for his Mom and Dad who didn’t do anything.

Jinyoung was curled on his bed, giggling madly at the thought that a few days from now, he’d be older! But not really! Somehow? He doesn’t really understand how he should count his birthday, Junhyeok hyung told him to think however he likes for now.

“Park Jinyoung will be 8 and 18 soon…” he whispers to himself just as the giggling ceased and tears started to fall. “Park Jinyoung will be 8 and 18 soon and yet… where’s my Mommy? And Daddy?”

No one heard him cry, but he feels like they do and they just don’t bother caring about him.

Where was his Mommy and Daddy? Why did they leave him? Was Jinyoung not enough of a good boy for them to take him wherever they went?

That night, and like all the other nights before it, Jinyoung cried himself to sleep. His body tucked under the blanket while he curled into a small ball, his head barely on the pillow while he held his hands together--he didn’t have anyone else to hold it for him.

And that night, like any other night before it, he heard a boy band song in the background with the sound of the pitter-patter of the rain mixing with it. Then he felt his body get slammed as he heard screeching of car tires before he felt the whole image disappear into thin air. He won’t necessarily remember it in the morning, but he would be reliving the ache time and time again.

When morning comes, Jinyoung will feel the ache and dizziness, but he doesn’t mention this to anyone. He continues to pretend like everything is fine even though he could feel his heart breaking.

No one buys his lies, but it’s not like they can push him to tell, either.

“His treatment is going quite well,” Junhyeok told him.

Jaebum raised his eyebrows. “I can feel hear there’s a  _ but  _ after that.”

Junhyeok sighed and motioned for him to sit. “I just heard this. He’s working on the treatments, but he’s not doing well with talking. All the doctors are hoping that the 22nd would do him well.”

“Is there a chance… it won’t?” Jaebum didn’t like the thought of that.

“You have to be on your best behavior, Jaebum.” Junhyeok didn’t answer him and that answered his question. “If it doesn’t work then he might get stuck here longer than he should. That would help him mentally, but emotionally… no one’s really sure.”

“How about… what about what I told you? Was I right about that?” Jaebum asked and Junhyeok smiled sadly at him. He obviously didn’t want to confirm. “You watched him, didn’t you? I… I saw it. You should’ve too, if you watched him.”

“We watched him.” And that both didn’t and did answer his question.

Jaebum really fucked things up and he didn’t know if his life could even repay that.

The day before Jinyoung’s birthday, Jaebum brought him an old scarf of his for the boy to use. It was red and gold, the color of Gryffindor that Jaebum was so obsessed with when he was a child (even though various Sorting Quizzes told him he was a Ravenclaw or a Slytherin). It was still in good shape and he knew Jinyoung would’ve loved it, after all, he just recently started Harry Potter.

“Hyung! I’m Harry Potter!” Jinyoung jumped on the couch and waved his imaginary wand around, “Wingardium Levi _ o _ sa!”

Jaebum chuckled and made a mental note to buy the boy a pair of round frames, he really would pass as a young Harry. “Settle down young wizard, lessons have to start.”

But Jinyoung just giggled and sat on the couch, looking at him excitedly. “Did you get it hyung? Levi _ o _ sa not Levio _ sa _ ! That was  _ so  _ cool! I want to have a feather too. Can I have a feather, hyung?”

Chuckling, he tucked the scarf properly on the boy’s neck before putting the notebook in front of him. “Wizarding lessons later, Muggle for now.” he grinned when Jinyoung pouted before the other took the notebook from him and started reading.

Due to the party tomorrow, Jaebum decided to stay for another 30 minutes tonight, just to have fun with Jinyoung. He was planning to play Harry Potter with him and maybe a bit of eating the McDonald’s fries he bought.  

As usual, Jinyoung was responsive with his studies, learning fast for someone who is supposed to be 7 mentally. The doctors thought this might have something to do with his real age, Jaebum thought it’s just because Jinyoung is naturally smart.

Soon, studies are done and homeworks are checked so Jinyoung was free to point his imaginary wand at all the things in the room and scream, “Wingardium Levi _ o _ sa!” Then he’d go back to Jaebum and grab a bunch of fries to eat.

It was an amusing sight and it made him feel closer to the boy. It made his heart ache, too, because his own brother hates him now. Seeing Jaebum would probably make Youngjae angry and throw him out, but Jinyoung, he looks forwards to his visits.

When the boy was finally tired and Jaebum knew he should head back out, they both grinned at each other before enveloping in a tight hug. He didn’t know why it felt nice, but it did and he could feel himself holding him tighter. He didn’t want to let go and that worried him because,  _ why _ ?

“Bye, hyung.” Jinyoung whispered smiling at him. “See you on my birthday?”

Jaebum gulped and replied, “Bye, Jinyoung.”

When Jaebum let go and he stepped out of the room, he felt heavy. When Jinyoung waved at him and closed the door, Jaebum wanted nothing more than to rip open that door and go back inside. But he didn’t, because he didn’t understand anything.

_ Why _ ?

Morning on Jinyoung and his Dad’s birthday didn’t seem any special, except maybe from the fussing and running around his Mom was doing. Youngjae was back home and he was at his Dad’s study, talking to him since they didn’t get to catch up well.

“He’s here?” he asked even though the fact that there are 4 set of shoes by the door meant they’re finally complete again. It won’t hurt to be sure, after all.

His Mom smiled, she looked younger than the last time they talked. It was most likely because all of them were back at the house where she can fuss over them and make them eat. He knew that was all his parents wanted, both of them here and safe. Jaebum almost wanted to throw up at the thought that he was the cause of his parent’s problems. But that was for another day.

Immediately he went to his Dad’s study and knocked on the door.

“Come in.” His Dad’s voice was muffled, but he heard it clearly.

When he opened the door, he could feel his heartbeat go fast the moment his eyes connected with that of his brother’s. Youngjae, for the past months he hadn’t seen him, looked thinner and his eyes were darker, but the cuts on his arms were gone and so is the one on his neck. His brother’s eyes were cold and disinterested that makes Jaebum wonder if it’s only for him or for his Dad as well.

“Youngjae and I were just talking, Jaebum.” his Dad informed him, the smile obvious on his lips.

He wanted to reach out and hug Youngjae. He wanted to say all the apologies he’s been brewing up for more than 8 months. He wanted to get down on one knee and ask for forgiveness. He wanted to raise Youngjae’s fist and hit himself with it. But he didn’t.

Instead, Jaebum smiled and greeted his Dad, “Happy Birthday, Dad. Good morning, Youngjae. I’ll go back to the kitchen and help Mom prepare.” Then he bowed and forced his self to turn around, exit and close the door without his knees giving. 

When he doesn’t see his brother, he let himself wallow in guilt and regrets. But when he finally saw Youngjae again, he felt himself want to apologize and offer himself for his brother to do what he pleases. He doesn’t know which is worse and which is better right now. Both of them sounds extremely painful.

And yet, Jaebum knows he deserves it. 

Helping his Mom finish up the food for later managed to distract him, if only for a bit. The cake needed to be picked up from the store. Streamers had to be put up from all the corners of the house. Drinks needed to be chilled. Soup had to be stirred. There was so many things to do that Jaebum didn’t realize that time had flown. Before he knew it, it was already nearing the time he had to prepare himself for the party.

“Jaebum, thanks for everything,” his Mom kissed his cheeks then patted his head. “Now go and make yourself presentable. Wear that tie I bought you for your birthday last year.” 

“Prepare yourself, too, Mom.” He winked at her, making her giggle.

“Oh, son, when was I ever not presentable?” Never. Jaebum’s Mom was the perfect wife for a Company Director and he knew it. She was caring and knowing in household chores, but she was intelligent and beautiful as well. Not to mention, his parents loved each other so that’s probably a plus. “Now, shoo, hurry up.”

Shower took longer than usual because Jaebum still felt the sweat clinging to his skin after hours of manual labor. But he managed to clean himself up and dressed himself with the suit and tie his Mom had bought him. One look in the mirror told him he looked like a son all mothers wished to have. 

“Maybe I should dye my hair red...” Jaebum touched his black hair and remembered Youngjae’s dyed brown. In College, he will, most likely.

Due to being busy, Jaebum never saw Youngjae ever since he did at the study. But the nagging feeling at the pit of his stomach never made him forget. So when he saw Youngjae greeting the guests who were slowly coming one by one, Jaebum felt himself drown in nostalgia. It was like any other party they held at home where Youngjae would greet all the guests while Jaebum prepared to host.

It felt almost as if the past 8 months never happened.

Except, not really, because  _ he  _ was not there right beside Youngjae.  

Jaebum sighed and walked down the stairs, putting his best polite smile on his face. He knew that even if all he wanted to do was to just hug his brother and apologize, that won’t happen. At least, not anytime soon.

“Hi Nayeon! Welcome!” Jaebum patted his favorite cousin’s head. She gave him a toothy grin and a cheerful wave before running wherever she was going. He greeted a few more important and close relatives before moving to where the small stage was set-up. It was only 5 minutes before the program was supposed to start.

“You okay now, Jaebum?” He didn’t notice his Mom stand beside him on the side, a glass of water prepared just for him. “You always do great here, even if you manage to make a fool out of yourself sometimes.”

“Mom!” he heard himself whine, but mostly because the truth sounded embarrassing coming out from his Mom. He doesn’t even know  _ why  _ his Dad likes him to do this, Youngjae would do better with his shy smile and the crinkle in his eyes. He would charm everyone without even saying anything. Jaebum, on the other hand, well…

But his Mom just grinned at him. “Your Dad will be coming in with Youngjae. He said he wanted to have Youngjae by his side the whole evening because he missed his son. Who am I to disagree, right?”

He nodded, thankful that someone would keep their eyes on Youngjae. The alarm on his phone buzzed and it was time. After one last smile sent to his Mom, he went upstage and took the microphone. It’s the start.

A few hours and lots of entertainment later, Jaebum managed to get a glass of orange juice to drink. His Dad and Youngjae had come out earlier to say a few words to the guests of the party, but most of the time, they were together in the study. His Dad just smiles at him, not saying anything.

Engrossed in a conversation with his aunt regarding the opposing political parties, he didn’t notice when his Mom had tapped his shoulder behind him. He jumped from surprise, but managed to not spill his drink.

It was just a good fifteen minutes away from dinner wherein they’ll all sit outside on the backyard. Jaebum was confused why his Mom would look for her when they’d be seeing each other soon.

“Please call your Dad for me, son. They’re in the study… I... “ His Mom was holding her arm which means that she had probably injured it. Again. The knowing look on her face told him that she knew that he knew. “Please?”

“Just stay here, okay Mom? I’ll call Dad for you.” He was walking towards the room when he turned back and looked at her. “Don’t even think about carrying anything heavy!”

The run to his Dad’s study wasn’t easy due to people around and some of them wanting to greet him before he go. It took him 10 minutes before he got to the study and he knew his Mom would’ve probably done something she shouldn’t have.

He knocked. “Dad it’s Jaebum.”

“Come in.” Came the sound from the door.

When he opened the door, he was, of course, expecting his Dad and Youngjae in it. What he was a bit surprised about was that Youngjae was sitting beside his Dad while giving him his insulin shot. Jaebum had wanted to do that ever since he could remember, but he’s always been bad at it. Youngjae, however, was natural at anything Science.

“Is there anything wrong, Jaebum?” His Dad asked, Youngjae still beside him and tending to his shot.

“Mom, she… She injured her hand. Again.” Jaebum blurted out and knowing it didn’t make sense either, he repeated. “Mom got injured and she’s asking for you. She probably has something planned again, like, carrying your heavy cake…”

His Dad frowned and said, “I’ll go there immediately. I’ll just clean up--”

Youngjae shook his head, taking back the syringe he just used on his Dad before patching him up. “It’s okay, Dad. Don’t worry. I’ll clean this up for you.” The smile he sent his Dad was nothing compared to the smile he had 8 months ago and that pained Jaebum.

His Dad, though, seemed pleased with Youngjae’s smile so he stood up. “Walk me out, Jaebum. Youngjae will clean this up. I need to ask you something,” he walked to him and opened the door, letting Jaebum go first before exiting and closing the door himself.

“What is it, Dad?”

“Go on in and watch over him for a few minutes while I’m gone, will you? I know he’s trying his best, but… I don’t want to lose him.” His Dad said then patted Jaebum’s shoulders and left for wherever his Mom was.

First his Mom. Second, his Dad. Both of them are hoping that Jaebum would watch over Youngjae when neither of them  _ knows  _ that Jaebum  _ is  _ the reason his brother is this way. But, how could he say no when he has no right to?

So Jaebum went inside and closed the door, afraid to face his brother that has been ignoring him for a long time. He tried to keep his head down as he walked towards where he could see Youngjae was sitting. He stayed there, staring at his feet and now knowing what to say and how to even say it.

How do you apologize to someone for taking away their life?

“I--” he felt the lump on his throat tighten. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear that. But. I am.”

The silence was defeaning. Jaebum could hear his breathing and another one, more ragged, was that Youngjae’s? He could hear the tick-tock of his Dad’s table clock. The faint sound of people chattering could be heard through the walls. He could feel his heart beating fast and his blood rushing all over his body.

“I know I made a mistake and I’m trying to make ammends. I understand that--” Jaebum felt the tears stinging now. They could easily fall with the angle of his face directed to the floor. “I understand. I know you can’t forgive me for it.”

There was still no sound, no clue as to how Youngjae felt. Was his brother thinking about what he was saying? Was he getting angrier at him? Or worse, was Youngjae even listening? But no matter what, Jaebum thought that this was probably the only chance he would get at even being in the same  _ room  _ as Youngjae.

“I know that… I know it was all my fault. And I regret every single thing. And you hate me for everything.” It hurts to say the words directly. Thinking them was one thing, acknowledging them out loud in front of that person was not even an emotional pain. Jaebum felt ill and his whole body ached with pain. “But, I’m sorry. That’s all I wanted to say.”

The clock was ticking.

The noise from outside lessened, probably because dinner started and the guests are busy sampling their Mom’s excellent cooking.

Silence grew thicker.

Jaebum felt his hand get too cold that he had to repeatedly brush them against his pants.

Then when it was getting too much and the silence felt like Jaebum was being swallowed, Youngjae finally spoke, the first words in a long while that the boy had spoken directly to him.

In a ragged voice, Youngjae said, “Why don’t… you look at… me,  _ hyung _ ?” 

Jaebum stiffened. That wasn’t the cheery voice he heard Youngjae speak to his Dad. But it made him want to do exactly just that. It was scary because how long has it been since he looked directly at that face instead of sneaking glances? Too long.

Slowly, Jaebum moved his face until his eyes met Youngjae’s. When he did, he couldn’t help the gasp that fell from his lips.

Youngjae was still sitting where his Dad last left him. What’s different and alarming is the fact that Youngjae’s eyes are red and tears are running down from it. He was shaking from head to toe while he breathed raggedly, as if he just ran a marathon. One hand is clasping his chest and the other was gripping the chair.

“Y-Youngjae? What’s wrong?” Jaebum asked even though he knew there would be no answer.

For a second (a minute?) he stood there and watched how Youngjae hissed at every shudder and how his eyes were closing in what could only be pain. But why is he in pain? He was fine a minute ago!

“Don’t. Youngjae. Just--” Jaebum immediately ran out of the room and towards wherever he thinks his parents are. Some of the kids were still inside playing and he almost stepped on 6 of them before he even reached the door leading to the back. As soon as he opened the door, he yelled, “MOM! DAD! SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH Youngjae!”

The thump of what could have been a chair and hurried footsteps meant they were following so Jaebum turned around. He should be near Youngjae. He knew he should.

The way back to the study took less time than the travel out. The kids who were playing seemed to have moved somewhere else, making it easy for him to run and run. Afraid, he almost stopped at the door, but the fear overcame it and had him opening it in less than a second.

But he was too late.

Youngjae was on the floor, crouching as he tries so hard to remain upright. But the moment he saw Jaebum, all the will to do so seemed to have gone.

“Youngjae--”

Youngjae looked directly at him, his red eyes brimming with tears while his mouth was open.

And with one last shuddering breath, he says. “I wish you hell,  _ hyung _ .” Then his body fell limp on the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update, totally forgot that i haven't and that i needed to get this beta'd. i still kept forgetting so i tried to do it myself & got lazy halfway
> 
> so **warning** : un-beta'd.

“Jaebum, let’s eat dinner.” His Mom’s voice was heard at the other side of the door. He knew he should answer, he knew he should come down and eat. But he couldn’t. Not when they’re all mourning and yet none of them blames him. He couldn’t live with the fact that instead of screaming or looks of disgusts, he gets comfort and looks of worry.

Life shouldn't be  _ this  _ unfair. Right?

"Jaebum, you should eat."

He closed his eyes, tears not coming down any more due to the fact that he's cried way too many times the past week. His eyes were dry of tears and his heart too broken to continue hurting. His whole life felt meaningless now, but he's too much of a coward to end it.

Not like Youngjae.

Youngjae wasn't anything like him. Youngjae was everything Jaebum wasn't and everything Jaebum wanted to be. Youngjae was as brave as Jaebum was a coward. Youngjae was as loved just as Jaebum wasn't. Youngjae was perfect like the way that Jaebum was flawed.

Why did it have to be Youngjae that died and not Jaebum? Why was Jaebum the one that lived and wasn't  _ him _ ? If  _ he  _ was alive, then Youngjae would be, too. But no, it had to be Jaebum and now he was alone.

"Come down when you're hungry later, Jaebum. I'll put your food in the microwave oven. Okay?" Then he heard the shuffling of feet as they walked farther away from his door and presumably back down.

Jaebum wasn't going to go down later to eat and his Mom knew that. He doesn't understand why they wouldn't just stop from trying to make him eat. They shouldn't be letting him eat or want to make him eat or worry about him not eating at all. They should want him to stop eating and just let him rot in his bedroom alone until he died. Until he was nothing.

They don't and that's what hurts the most.

Jaebum laid down on his bed, his homework forgotten on the desk by the window. His clothes were scattered around his room and his once was a collection of photos on the wall were marred with black paint. He couldn't even take them off and rip them apart. He was  _ that  _ pathetic. All he could do was paint them black in hopes to not see them, but be continued to remind him of when things were still perfect. Back when he hadn't messed them up.

He stayed like that, unmoving for a few hours. The tick-tock of his bedside clock sounded like a countdown to nothing. But he had been counting them, counting the seconds until he knew his parents had finished dinner and should have been asleep. He's had a week's worth of practice to know when his parents are gone and it's safe for him to be down.

When it was time, he stood up and didn't mind that his body protested at the sudden movement. What is a small prickle of pain when compared to what had happened? Then he opened the door as slowly as he could before walking down the stairs until he almost reached the landing. But he saw it before they saw him.

The door of his Dad's study has been locked for a week now, ever since it happened. But tonight, exactly a week since then, it was finally opened and his parents were inside. On the floor. Holding each other. Crying their hearts out in agony.

"Why did he have to go?"

"It should've been me!"

His Mom shook her head and scrambled to wrap her arms around his Dad. "It wasn't your fault. Don't think that."

"But it is!" He was tearing up, his face red. "If only I didn't… If only I didn't let him…"

"You didn't know!" His Mom roared, as if she herself was trying to make herself believe it. "If I didn't call for you, it wouldn't have happened!"

"It was my syringe! On my birthday!" He was sobbing now. "Did he hate me that much…?"

"He loved you!" She countered, "If only I didn't call for you…"

Jaebum should've went inside and hugged them or comforted them, but he couldn't. He immediately fled upstairs and tried not to slam the door in anger. Then slumped by the door, hands holding his head as if it would keep him from blowing up.

His parents are blaming themselves when what both of them should be doing was to blame  _ him _ .

His Mom loved the both of them and cared for them. She cooked and cleaned and played with the two of them, showering them with unconditional love. She didn't care when they both admitted they were gay and just ruffled their hair, telling them to introduce her to their boyfriend. She smiled and laughed and hugged them whenever they needed it. She didn't do anything wrong. She shouldn't be blaming herself. She didn't deserve it.

And his Dad. He was always away because of work, earning to give the both of them everything they will ever need and want. He was gone during the weekdays, but he makes sure he was always there in the evening to eat dinner with all of them. He never worked overtime or during weekends if he can help it, opting to stay at home to play some games or take them out to the mall. He didn't even bat an eyelash or twitch his muscles when the two of them admitted they were gay, he just patted their shoulders and told them that he would beat up their boyfriends if they hurt them. He was the perfect Dad anyone could ever ask for and his actions showed them how much he loved them. He didn't do anything wrong. He shouldn’t be blaming himself. He didn't deserve this.

They both didn't deserve to have a son who might as well have killed his younger brother with his own hands.

Jaebum didn't deserve to have their care and worry and love.

 

"Jaebum, let's eat dinner." She knocked on the door and was mildly surprised when the door pushed open under her knuckles. Her son always locks it so she didn't understand what this meant. Pushing it open wider, she peaked inside. "Jaebum?" 

The bed was neatly made and the whole place was clean.  _ Too  _ clean. She entered, wondering where her son was. Jaebum definitely came home earlier, before she went out to buy some groceries for their dinner. So where was he?

She faced the bed and saw a piece of paper on it. Usually, she doesn't mess with her sons' things, but with what happened with Youngjae… She picked it up and opened the piece of paper, reading the contents. Without even finishing it, her eyes widened and the tears immediately fell.

"Dad! Dad!" She screamed, turning to the closet and opening it. It was empty. She turned to his drawer, opening everything one by one. It was empty. She fell on the floor, weak and sobbing.

His husband immediately appeared, kneeling beside her. "What's wrong? Do you need to go see the doctor?" But instead of speaking, she just handed him a piece of paper. Confused and nervous, he read it already having an idea what could have happened.

> _ Dear Mom and Dad, _
> 
> _ I'm sure that when you read this, I'll already be gone. I took everything I could with me and someday, I might come back and take the others. It won't be anytime soon, though. _
> 
> _ I'm sorry I had to do this and you had to find this way. I don't hate you. In fact, I love you guys with all my heart. Please don't look for me and if you do, please don't acknowledge me. I can't do this right now. I can't face the truth and reality. _
> 
> _ I hope that someday, you'll understand everything. When you do, I hope that  _ you  _ won't hate me for everything I did. _
> 
> _ Love, _ _  
>  _ _ Jaebum _

 

Jaebum didn't move very far. He still had to finish his High School for a few more months. But if things went the way he wanted them to, he would be gone before the end of this month. If his parents looked for him, it wouldn't be too hard. If they just check the school, they would've found him immediately.

But they didn't look for him.

They did, however, find him. Jaebum knew because his rent at the apartment was paid and his bills were paid. He was thankful and he knew that if he really did want to live on his own, he could tell them and they'll stop. But he needed all the money he could get right now since his salary from his part-time job goes to his fund for College.

Jaebum desperately hopes that he would get accepted to his school of choice.

When he applied for this months ago, just like Junhyeok said, it was to run away from everything that had happened here. Now, it was more than just running, it was hiding from the truth and the past.

He couldn't stay at home and get reminded of how he and Youngjae used to run around and play there. He couldn't walk the same road and get reminded of how the two of them used to chat of useless things on the way home. He couldn't visit the same park and not get reminded of how he and Youngjae used to meet  _ him  _ there back when they were all young. He couldn't see the view of his hometown and not get reminded of all the years they spent together.

Jaebum couldn't take to see anything that would even remind him of  _ him  _ and Youngjae. Not even his parents.

Jaebum was a coward and he was going to go into hiding, hoping that this would make him forget. Going far away, out of the country seemed like the best choice for his sanity.

He would've gone to Junhyeok and asked for his cousin's help, but he didn't want to visit the hospital and get reminded of Youngjae was jailed there for the last remaining part of his life.

And Jinyoung. 

Jaebum felt himself want to tear up at the thought of the boy's name. He couldn't even imagine how much the boy had probably felt hurt at the fact that Jaebum never showed up, on his birthday of all days! Not to mention, he never ever came back after.

But what could he do?

Jaebum can't go back and see Jinyoung without getting reminded of Youngjae. Young, innocent, looked-up at his brother Youngjae. The Youngjae that Jaebum hasn't hurt yet.

It was better this way, Jaebum disappearing from the boy's life. 

When he got back at his apartment one night, he saw an envelope waiting for him. It was the answer to his future.

> _ Dear Mr. Jaebum Im, _
> 
> _ We are pleased to inform you that you have been granted early acceptance at Harvard University for your course, Public Relations. We have included the information you will need to make the process of moving here faster. _
> 
> _ Congratulations and see you soon! _

 

Jaebum felt himself breathe and feel happy in a long while.

 

Jinyoung woke up to a shuddering breathe, his body shaking and his hands sweating. He felt disoriented and confused, as if he just lost a good chunk of his life to nothingness.

_ Oh _ .

That wasn't a dream, that was the truth.

With one last deep breathe, he sat up and removed the blanket on top of him. It was probably still too early for his nurse Junhyeok to check up on him. It was still dark outside, after all. Luckily, he left the lights open last night so he didn't have walk blindly.

Just as he was about to open the door, he paused as if just remembering something. He smiled to himself, "Happy Birthday, Park Jinyoung that no one loves." Then he opened the door and faced the world.

 

Junhyeok arrived with a bag full of assortment of sweets like candies and chocolate bars. He also had a neatly wrapped box wrapped in pink, what Jinyoung claims as his favorite color. The smile Junhyeok sent him was really bright just as he took him in a tight hug. 

"Happy Birthday, Jinyoung!" Junhyeok greeted him, "I'll bring you a cake later for lunch, okay?"

Jinyoung nodded, already excited at the prospect of a cake. Will Junhyeok hyung place candles? If he does, how many candles would Junhyeok hyung use? Eight? Eighteen? This made Jinyoung's happiness lessen because he must be confusing people just like the way he was confusing himself, as well.

"Now be a good boy and eat your candies in your room. We wouldn't want the Dentistry Department Interns to be coming here and trying to use you as practice, do you?" Junhyeok laughed at Jinyoung's horrified gasp. He knew his hyung would use that as a threat!

"You said you wouldn't mention that again, hyung!" Jinyoung whined, but only received a wink before Junhyeok ran to the nurse's station. He pouted, but the prospect of lots of candies brightened his day.

Lots of nurses stopped him as he walked towards his room. They gave him small wrapped presents or bags of candies before ruffling his hair and running wherever they were needed. He had a small number of people who liked him enough to remember his birthday and that seemed to bring his mood up.

Dumping all the gifts on his bed and the candies on the couch, Jinyoung felt lighter. Who knew candies and gifts weighted like a bunch of rocks? Definitely not him.

Since it was his birthday, the Doctors had given him a free pass for the day. Treatments and interviews were all set for tomorrow so he had the whole day to do whatever he wanted. Or nothing at all. How should he spend another 14 hours before his Jaebum hyung would visit?

Munching on a Mars bar, Jinyoung grabbed one of the boxes wrapped in white with a bow on top. He was debating whether he should open it carefully or just open it when he though that, who would stop him? So he eagerly ripped the wrapper and opened the box. 

It was a new set of coloring pencils from one of the nurses who gives him his shots every other day. They looked really nice and he was really excited to try them out on his coloring books later. He would remember to thank him for it tomorrow!

The next present was wrapped in dark blue with lighter blue polka-dots. It looked pretty, but he knew the present inside it is probably more important. Like what he did with the first present, he ripped it open and found small cars inside. With glee, he took one out and let it slide on the couch.

He ripped open the presents one by one until he had a small helicopter with a remote control, winnie the pooh socks, and a collection of robot coloring books. Junhyeok hyung's gift was a robot, like the one he watches on TV and it even walks! This was the best gift he's received so far (he's still excited about Jaebum hyung's so he's not making decisions, yet) and he can't wait to thank his nurse.

Carrying the robot on one hand and his half-eaten Mars bar on the other, he went out to look for his nurse. He usually sees his nurse on the station, but it was just being manned by one person today. So he turned back and went to search on the other side of the floor.

On his way, he saw two small boys walking hand in hand. The first boy looked extremely sad, mouth turned into a frown while the other one looked pretty. Jinyoung would've moved and ran away if not for the fact that the second kid looked worriedly at the other one. He was the one tugging his friend's hand tighter as they walked together.

"Gyeommie, please do this? Don't hurt your Jackson hyung anymore?" the first boy said, looking worried. "Hm? You need to get better."

"I won't get better." The frowning boy answered.

Jinyoung frowned as well. Here's someone worried about you and you'll just be not nice to them?! How dare he! But before he could say something, maybe scold the boy and be nosy, he heard the frowning boy speak again with a small pained voice.

"I'm a freak, Bambam. You shouldn't be friends with me." Then the frowning boy tugged his hand free and ran away, his short legs taking him as far as he could go.

"Gyeommie, wait!" Then the other boy was off as well, his slightly wobbly legs trying to catch up with his friend’s.

Jinyoung stood there, his robot and chocolate in hand. He saw how the girly boy, Bambam, looked when the frowning boy, Gyeommie, called himself a  _ freak.  _  He looked pained and worried that Jinyoung was so jealous of Gyeommie at the moment. Here is a real young boy, not unlike Jinyoung, and he has someone who really cares about him.

It made him realize that Gyeommie was wrong. He wasn’t a freak, Jinyoung is.

When Junhyeok finished his morning tasks and lunch was nearing, he went out of the hospital to grab a small chocolate cake from the bakery near them. He bought one candle, not wanting Jinyoung to be confused. As soon as it was boxed and ready, Junhyeok hurriedly went back to the hospital to bring his charge the cake.

"For Jinyoung, Junhyeok hyung?" Jackson, another nurse, appeared beside him.

"Yeah," Junhyeok smiled as he took out the cake and unwrapped the candle. "Youngjae is out today, isn't he?"

"Yup, which is why a good chunk of my schedule is free," Jackson grinned then helped Junhyeok with the lighter. "I could come with you, if it's okay. I want to meet Jinyoung too, he seems nice."

"He is." They finished lighting and Junhyeok was pleased with the cake. He looked at his friend and colleague, "You should come. Jinyoung would love having new friends."

So the two of them headed to Jinyoung's room with the cake. Junhyeok carried the surprise while Jackson brought paper plates and forks for them to use. Jackson knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Jinyoung promptly answered, a bit muffled by whatever candy he probably had in his mouth.

Jackson opened the door as Junhyeok started singing.

"Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!" Junhyeok sang and Jackson joined, "Our beloved, Jinyoungie. Happy Birthday to you!"

"Blow the candle, Jinyoung!" Junhyeok urged, placing the cake in front of Jinyoung while Jackson prepared the camera. "And don't forget to make a wish!"

Jinyoung was a bit surprised that Junhyeok chose to use only one candle so as not to confuse him. It was touching and he felt the tears forming in his eyes so he closed them to make a wish.  _ I wish Jaebum hyung won't leave  me. I wish I will get better.  _ The he opened his eyes and blew the candle.

Jackson took a photo and Junhyeok cheered while Jinyoung smiled at them with teary eyes, "Thank you…"

Junhyeok placed the cake on the table before moving to wrap Jinyoung in a tight hug. "It doesn’t matter if you're 8 or 18 now, you're still  _ you _ , Park Jinyoung. Okay?" He whispered and it made Jinyoung really cry, the tears flowing freely because his hyung knew exactly what was bothering him.

When Jinyoung finished crying, Junhyeok gave him a small smile as he waved to where Jackson was standing and watching them with a huge smile.

"Jinyoung, meet Jackson Wang. Or Jackson hyung to you. He's a nurse as well. Jackson meet Jinyoung, our resident trouble maker. The two of you would definitely get along well," Junhyeok looked at Jinyoung. "Is it okay if Jackson joined our celebration? We have a huge cake too…"

Jinyoung leaped up and wrapped Jackson in a hug, too. "Thank you! And nice to meet you, Jackson hyung!"

Jackson didn't even bat an eyelash or looked surprise, he wrapped the boy in a tight hug too. "Nice to meet you too, Jinyoung. The pleasure is all mine, I assure you."

Junhyeok beamed at where he sat.

After that they sat together and cut the cake, sharing the slices between the three of them. Jinyoung was eating the cake with a rapid pace that Jackson had to get a glass of water when he almost choked. They stayed close together and talked and teased and laughed.

Jinyoung enjoyed it a lot.

Sadly, when the cake was finished and lunch break was done, Jackson and Junhyeok stood up and waved good bye at him. They promised to go back after their shift to spend some time with him for his birthday.

 

Jackson looked thoughtfully at Junhyeok as they sorted through the documents needed. They've been looking for records that dealt with Multiple Personality Disorder for the thesis they have to work on. Instead of ruffling through the folders, Jackson was just standing still. 

"What is it, Jackson? I know that expression." Junhyeok said, not even looking up to continue his search. "And please continue looking even if you're thinking."

Jackson nodded, checking the ones on his side. "I just wonder..." he paused. "Is Jinyoung happy?"

Junhyeok didn't even pause. "He's enjoying himself, but he's not entirely happy, no. He's sad."

"Over?" Jackson asked again, taking out a folder to check the document. 

"Losing his childhood and teenage hood. Losing a good 10 years of his life. Losing his parents. Losing the only chance of experiencing growing up. Losing himself?" Junhyeok sighed, "I don't know either, but I can feel his sadness when he pretends everything is fine."

Jackson just nodded. "Maybe he needs someone, hyung."

"He has Jaebum, my cousin." Junhyeok paused too, looking at Jackson. "And I'm not sure enough to say that Jinyoung has Jaebum forever."

"Why is that?"'

"Because," Junhyeok returned to searching, "Jaebum looks like he's losing himself too."

 

As promised, Jackson and Junhyeok visited him for one before they had to go back to reading the documents they found earlier. Jinyoung excitedly played cars with them and they showed him how to fly his helicopter. They even shared some of the candies and chocolates while Jinyoung promised the nurses he's going to brush his teeth later.

"Or else the Dentists Department Interns will come here to--"

"I get it, hyung!" Jinyoung whined.

That was a whole two hours ago and Jinyoung was tired from playing, coloring and even studying. Jaebum hyung should be here any moment to bring him his present, food and himself. That was what he had promised, after all.

So when the time was nearing, Jinyoung went to shower and change into his pajamas. Then he brushed his teeth and combed his hair. Then he sat on his bed, eagerly waiting for the door to open and reveal his favorite hyung in the world.

The clock stroked 9 o'clock. Jinyoung was fidgeting with excitement. Jaebum would be here any second now.

Fifteen minutes passed. Jinyoung continued fidgeting. Jaebum must've been held up and he would be here any moment now.

Thirty minutes passed. Jinyoung was worried. Did Jaebum forgot that they agreed on 9 o'clock? Or maybe Jinyoung remembers wrong and his hyung actually said 10 o'clock?

The clocked stroked 10 o'clock. Jinyoung was cold and nervous. His hyung would come now, right? Any moment now?

Thirty minutes passed. Jinyoung was disheartened. Did Jaebum hyung not want to see him?

Another thirty minutes passed. Jinyoung was losing hope. The door wasn't opening and the night was getting deeper and it was only his birthday for one more hour. Will Jaebum hyung really not show up?

When the clock stroked 12 o'clock and it was officially September 23, Jinyoung felt a lone tear fall from his eyes as he went under the cover of his bed.

Jinyoung closed his eyes and let the nightmare take over him.

Jaebum hyung didn't come.

When Junhyeok heard about what happened, he knew he should be worried about his cousin and his aunt and uncle, but he couldn't help but be more worried about one Park Jinyoung. He knew the promise his cousin made with the boy, that's what the boy had been talking about for days now. And he knew that Jaebum didn't keep it, especially not after what happened.

As soon as he could, an hour earlier from his shift, he was already at the hospital. Jackson, too, was there and looked ill. Jackson was Youngjae's nurse and the two weren't close since Youngjae never talks to anyone, but Jackson has always cared too much about people.

"You okay, Jackson?" Junhyeok asked, sitting beside his friend.

Jackson smiled sadly. "Are you okay, hyung?" His eyes were red, proof of him probably crying himself to sleep. Jackson had always felt too much.

Junhyeok shook his head. "I'm shaken, but I'm more worried about someone else."

Jackson blinked. "Who?"

"Jinyoung." Then he stood up and walked towards the door. Jackson, unsurprisingly, followed him.

"Jinyoung?"

"Remember Jaebum? My cousin? The one I said was all that Jinyoung has?" Junhyeok could see the door of Jinyoung's room and he was anxious to see how the boy was doing. Did he sleep at all?

"Yeah…" Jackson looked confused, "What does this has got to do--?" his eyes widened, "Did Jaebum promise to see Jinyoung yesterday?"

Jackson has always been smart. Or just good with people. "Yeah," Junhyeok confirmed as they reached the door. "And he most definetely never fulfilled that promise."

When Junhyeok knocked on the door, he wasn't expecting any response. But instead of the usual  _ Come in!  _ that Jinyoung sends his way, the door opened to reveal the boy they were looking for.

He was smiling, a lollipop on his mouth. "Good morning, Junhyeok hyung and Jackson hyung! You're early today!" 

Junhyeok didn't know what to say because even if Jinyoung was smiling, he could see the pain in the boy's face. He must've been crying. And the bags under his eyes were evident from not sleeping well. The smile on his lips never reached his eyes. He wanted to say something, say anything, but he didn't know what. Because…

Jinyoung was obviously trying not to remember.

"Nothing, I just wanted to check if you brushed your teeth," Junhyeok smiled, "Did you?"

"Of course! Wouldn't want those Dentist Department Interns near me, rightI? Not even if they bribed me with more chocolates," Jinyoung answered, his voice not as bright as it usually was. "Have a great day, hyungs!"

Junhyeok nodded, "Have a great day, too, Jinyoung."

When Jinyoung closed the door, Junhyeok turned around and Jackson followed him again. They didn't speak, but it was obvious that both of them were thinking.

Of what, neither knew exactly which.

Jinyoung knew what Junhyeok and Jackson wanted when they came to him. They probably knew that Jaebum wouldn't come because he wasn't worth it, wasn't that important, wasn't important to  _ him _ . They knew Jaebum would show Jinyoung the truth and they were worried he was hurt. He didn't want to show them and get them worried, it was their job after all.

Jinyoung wasn't important to anyone because he wasn't important in the first place.

The key, he knew, for people to let it go was to act as normal as possible. It was lies, of course, because everyone saw how Jaebum makes Jinyoung happy with his every visit. It hurts because, what if Jaebum never visits again? Did Jinyoung become too tiresome for him?

Treatments were hard when Jaebum wasn't there giving him thumbs up or just being there. He hasn't gone to one without him before and it was harder to prove he was fine. But he does his best, doing everything and answering honestly. Maybe if he became normal, maybe if he started thinking like an 18 year old, maybe Jaebum would come back.

Maybe.

As soon as it finished, he sat on the waiting bench with a bottle of water. He felt tired to the bones and his mind felt fuzzy, he just felt like he wanted to lie down and maybe never get up ever again. Will someone even care if he just disappeared?

The thought that no one would care, that no one would ever notice hit something in Jinyoung and had him tearing up. He couldn't help the tears that fell because he wasn't important, wasn't cared for and wasn't loved. Who cares if he cries?

"Are you okay?" Someone asked and Jinyoung opened his eyes, thinking it was one of the nurses. It wasn't because the small voice belonged to the boy he saw yesterday. That same boy was looking at him with concern, hands clasped tightly behind his back. "Are you okay, Mister?"

With those eyes looking at him the same way the boy looked at his friend, Jinyoung couldn't help the sobs that overcame his body as he slumped forward and wrapped his hands around the boy's shoulders. He was just  _ so  _ tired.

Surprisingly, the boy wrapped his hands around him and rubbed small circles on his back. "It's okay, Mister. Things won't be fine, but you'll be okay." the boy whispered, over and over again as if it's a mantra. As if he's said this numerous of times already.

It took them longer than a minute as Jinyoung sobbed and the boy whispered encouragement. But when Jinyoung's tears eased, so did his arms and he was soon face to face with the boy again. He blinked, not knowing what to say.

"I'm Kunpimook Bhuwakul, but everyone calls me Bambam. I'm 7!" the boy smiled at him.. "What's your name, Mister?"

He smiled as well. "I'm Park Jinyoung. I'm… 8--wait, 18."

Bambam looked at him thoughtfully. "No one I know has two ages."

"I'm 18, but I was asleep for 10 years so my mind… it's still 8," he said, smiling sadly now. "I'm a freak, you see."

Immediately, Bambam frowned. "No! You're not a freak! Being different doesn't mean you're a freak!"

Surprised, Jinyoung's eyes were round as he looked at Bambam's stance. He looked defensive and worried, all at the same time. How can someone like him have so much feelings?

Just as Bambam was about to say something else, one of the doors opened and out came the boy that Jinyoung saw with Bambam yesterday. He was wearing the same 6th floor uniform that Jinyoung has and obviously just finished a treatment as well.

"Gyeommie!" Bambam immediately jumped and latched on the boy, "How was it? Are you okay? Are you tired? Do you want water? Or choco? We can have choco shake!"

The boy, Gyeommie, smiled at Bambam. "Choco shake!"

Bambam frowned, "You didn't answer my other questions!"

"They were too many!" Gyeommie laughed.

Jinyoung felt his heart constrict. He was never going to have that, not now and not ever. He was never going to have someone who cares for him like Bambam waits for Gyeommie. He was never going to have someone who will wait for him and tell him he's not a freak like Bambam is to Gyeommie. He was never going to have someone, at all.

Just when he was about to stand up and leave the two friends who were talking rapidly about who knows what, he felt a tug on his shirt. It was Bambam who was holding Gyeommie's hand while the other clung to his shirt.

"Are you busy, Jinyoung?" Bambam asked, his eyes staring at him. "Gyeommie and I are about to go down to the 3rd floor to get Choco Shake before my parents come and get me. Do you want to join?"

Jinyoung does, he really does. Not just because there was someone who finally  _ asked  _ him to come with them, but the fact that he wasn’t being treated like a kid. He was being asked as if he was normal, as if he wasn't a freak. And he would've, he really would've just said  _ Yes, please!  _ If not for the fact that Gyeommie, Bambam's friend, was frowning at him.

So what if Bambam wanted him there? This Gyeommie obviously didn't looked pleased at him, at all.

Not having any choice at all or wanting to be pitied, he shook his head and stood up. "I have to go," he said and his heart broke at how Bambam looked saddened by this. "Nice to meet you, Bambam." Then he bowed to Bambam and Gyeommie before walking away as fast as he could until he realized he was running.

No one likes Park Jinyoung, it seems.

 

It's been days since Jinyoung's birthday and Junhyeok still looks at him as if he's worried he was going to start crying. He doesn't, though, because that would only prove to everyone how much of a kid he is, how much of a freak. So he smiles at Junhyeok and waves at Jackson as if there wasn't anything wrong with him. As if there wasn't something missing in his life that he would never be able to get back.

One day, a week after, he was feeling too suffocated being stuck in the room with nothing but treatments and consultations to pass the day. He decided to go down and walk around the hospital park even though he didn't have anyone to go with him now. Jaebum hyung certainly didn't show up again after all.

He had wanted to play in the slide or use the swing, but he was too big for it. Having no choice, he sat on one of the benches and closed his eyes. He cleared his mind from thoughts that were eating him up. He let the chirp of birds and rustling of people walking by lull him to peace.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, he felt someone sit by him. He didn't mind it because this was for all the patients so everyone had a right to use all the benches. He would've ignored the stranger too, until it moved and sat closer to him that their sides were touching. It was a boy.

"I'm Kim Yugyeom."

Jinyoung opened his eyes and immediately turned to his side, surprised that he saw Gyeommie sitting there. The boy was fidgeting and was looking down at the pathway instead of at him. Was he even talking to Jinyoung?

Yugyeom continued, "I'm 7 years old and my only friend is Bambam. Everyone else ran away the moment they found out that I was a… freak."

Jinyoung watched him. "I'm Park Jinyoung and I'm a freak, too." He didn't know if that was encouraging, but it was the truth. It seemed to be right, though, when Yugyeom finally looked up and flashed him one of the cutest smiles he's ever seen.

"Want to go play at the sand box?" Yugyeom asked, standing up.

Jinyoung frowned. He was too big to play in the sand box.

Yugyeom saw him hesitating, but the boy was too good for his age. "No one else is too old or too young, Jinyoung. Let's both be freaks together!" The he reached his small hand and tugged on Jinyoung's bigger ones. "Come on!"

Jinyoung couldn't help but laugh as he let his hand be tugged and for him to stand up. Soon, they were running towards the sand box with Jinyoung being dragged by a determined 7 year old.

That afternoon they built sand castles and sand cars and sand caves until they were both too dirty and messy. Their clothes were messy and they were both sweaty, but he couldn't care less. They were joking and teasing and pouting all the time.

Jinyoung thought that, for the first time, he didn't feel like he was lost.

For the first time since he woke up, he didn't feel like he's a boy in the wrong body. He didn't feel pressured to shake off his 7 year old then persona and pretend to be 17. He felt normal, as if  _ he  _ was normal.

When they were both exhausted and the sun was setting, Yugyeom and Jinyoung walked back to the hospital together. They were holding hands and Yugyeom didn't seem to mind that Jinyoung was taller, that he had to reach up.

Then, when they were riding the elevator, Yugyeom gasped and said. "Jinyoung! Promise me you won't tell Bambam I called ourselves freaks! He'll kill me! He'll cut off my head and feed it to his pet dog! Promise me!"

Jinyoung laughed because he doubts Bambam would actually do that, but he still did. "I promise, Gyeommie!"

The smile Yugyeom threw his way told him that this was a start.

Soon, Bambam visited and was only too pleased to see that Yugyeom and Jinyoung had become friends. He tackled them to the ground and hugged them really tight that Jinyoung had almost believed Yugyeom's claim on Bambam killing them. Soon, they ended up rolling over and over on the floor until it became a tickling match.

Then they went to the 3rd floor and Jinyoung was introduced to the magic of Choco Shake.

That was how their story began. 

It was the story of how Park Jinyoung found friends in the form of 7 year olds Kunpimook Bhuwakul and Kim Yugyeom. That it didn't matter if he was really 10 years older than them, and he could just  _ be  _ himself was a really great plus. They became the most troublesome trio that the 6th floor had ever met as they sneaked and pranked all the nurses, doctors, patients and guests they could find.

It was the story of how Park Jinyoung was given a chance to grow up properly with his Bambam and Gyeommie.

Maybe, just maybe, Park Jinyoung wasn't a freak.

 

"Oh hey, why don't we name ourselves?" Bambam asked, eyes sparkling in mischief. "Something cool that would make people scared!"

Yugyeom snorted, "What do you suggest, exactly?"

"The Golden Trio? Super Peace Busters? The Three Musketeers?" Bambam started listing off every name he could think of.

Then suddenly, one of the nurses they liked pranking walked by them.

"Oh, what are you guys plotting now?" He asked them warily, "I swear I need some rest from our resident trouble making trio!"

Suddenly, Bambam's eyes sparkled as he looked at Gyeommie and Jinyoung.

And that was how  _ Resident Trouble Making Trio  _ was born. 

(Jinyoung wasn't a freak, it turns out he was  _ the _ King of Pranks.)

“Are you sure you have your handkerchief with you?” Bambam asked, taking the contents of Jinyoung’s bag out one by one. Again. For the nth time in 5 hours.

“Yes, I’m sure. You placed it in there, remember?” Jinyoung just answered, exasperated. They were already going to be late if they don’t leave in 10 minutes. Sure, Bambam’s car could probably get them there fast, but…

Bambam looked at warily, “If you’re sure…” Then he placed the bag back in Jinyoung’s hand before looking around. “Where’s that brat?” He meant Kim Yugyeom, of course.

Jinyoung jerked his head towards the bathroom. “Probably trying to see if his tie is straight or not. It’s probably as straight as he is, though.” He snickered, laughing at his own joke. They all know Yugyeom’s gay, just like Bambam. He’s just the one who’s not sure.

The other boy didn’t look impressed at his joke. “KIM YUGYEOM! GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE! WE’RE LEAVING IN 5 MINUTES!” It was a good thing that Bambam’s condominium is soundproofed or else their neighbour would have probably kicked them off… except that Bambam’s Dad  _ own  _ this place. Bambam’s just plain lucky, he guess.

“Yeah, yeah, calm down, drama queen. I’ll be there in--” There was a bang from the bathroom which only and usually meant that Yugyeom hit his foot on the door. Again. “FUCK!”

“KIM YUGYEOM! DO NOT CURSE!” Bambam screamed, stomping his way towards his best friend. (Or boyfriend, as Jinyoung likes to call it. He values his life, though, so he never says it out loud.)

“IT HURTS LIKE FUCK, OKAY?!”

“DO NOT CURSE!”

Jinyoung sighed.  _ There they go again. _

It took another 5 minutes for Bambam to calm Yugyeom down and scold him for swearing twice. Then he helped the other boy (gone were the days that Jinyoung was the tallest, his growth spurt seemed to have stopped at age 19), fix his tie (it really was crooked) before they finally went down to ride Bambam’s car.

“Buckle up everyone!” Bambam screamed with glee from where he sat in front.

Yugyeom rolled his eyes. “Stop talking as if you’re the one driving the car, Bambam.”

Bambam glared at him and Jinyoung snickered.

Bambam and Yugyeom being just senior students in High School didn’t have a driving license. In fact, Bambam was the only one among the three of them who could get a driving license since Yugyeom and Jinyoung were still technically patients of the 6th floor Psychiatry Ward. Except, Bambam’s Dad didn’t want him to get a license until he was in College. Sucks for him. Cheers for Yugyeom and Jinyoung because they could use Bambam’s chauffeur as much as they want.

Huffing, Bambam said, “Meanies! See if I ever let you ride my car again!”

Which, of course, was a huge lie. Other than the fact that the three of them had been best friends for years, they all knew Bambam won’t ever abandon the two of them. Just like they won’t abandon Bambam, even if they’re not in their right mind, they knew they wouldn’t.

“Nervous for your big day, Mr. Park?” Bambam’s driver, but actually his Uncle, asked him through the front mirror. He was smiling slightly just as he turned his view back to the road.

“I’ll be fine, Uncle.” Jinyoung said, nudging Yugyeom. “As long as my brat and drama queen doesn’t do anything else to make us late…”

“Hey!” Bambam protested the same time Yugyeom said, “Don’t slump me in with him!” Then the two of them started complaining about each other.

Bambam’s Uncle chuckled and winked at Jinyoung while he made a show of sighing. If Jinyoung doesn’t stop them, they’ll continue this conversation right until they reach the venue and he’s not really up for it today.

“Honestly, stop fighting and just date already!” Jinyoung said the magical words that he knew would keep them shut up for at least 15 minutes. That was enough for them to arrive at the venue and then Jinyoung won’t see them for another 3 hours since his seat is in front.

Like all the time that Jinyoung used it, Bambam and Yugyeom immediately shut up. They were both now looking in the window, not speaking another word to each other or to anyone else. Well, that went well. Now Jinyoung can get nervous without hearing screaming around him.

Honestly, Jinyoung couldn’t believe how fast time had flown. It’s as if the three of them were just kids (mentally, in his case) who wreck havoc in the 6th floor Psychiatry Department. Now Yugyeom and Bambam were about enter their final year of High School while Jinyoung is on his way to his College graduation.

Ten years ago he wouldn’t even have imagined getting out of the hospital and living a fairly normal life with friends. But it did, it happened eventually as Jackson took him in and helped him get settled.

With the help of Junhyeok, he was able to get discharged and should only just visit once in every two weeks. Yugyeom arranged it so that his visit is on the same day too, having time to mess around with the nurses, doctors and patients they were able to befriend at some point. Then Jackson took him in and had him enrolled in the same school as Bambam and Yugyeom that also caters to special cases.

At first it was awkward studying with a bunch of kids who are all shorter than you, but they all warmed up to him after Bambam had threatened them. Soon, he had befriended all of them and managed to make them like Yugyeom again, too.

Sadly, their time together didn’t last long since Jinyoung was moved a grade up due to his advanced learning. Bambam and Yugyeom stayed friends with him and Jinyoung was thankful for it because moving a grade up continued again. And again. And again. It didn’t stop, not until he reached 1st year of High School wherein he had to do it normally.

It didn’t matter that Jinyoung was in High School and his two best friends were still in Middle School, they still played around and continued to be a menace to the whole school. Even when Jinyoung made few friends in High School, he didn’t let go of the two because he knew he’ll never find anyone else as loyal as them. 

Not like he wanted anyone else, really.

So, yeah, he’s stuck with these two idiots who are obviously in love with each other the same way they’re stuck with him. Except not for a threesome, he doesn’t want them  _ that  _ way. And now he’s going to graduate College and get a job and be responsible. Jackson said he’d still help him, but Jinyoung knows he has to take responsibility. He was 28!

“We’re here.” Bambam’s Uncle pulled up in a full parking lot. “Congratulations, Mr. Park. Please behave, Bambam and Mr. Kim.”

The two rolled eyes, as if they’ve ever behaved all their lives. Soon, the three of them were walking out together, sides stuck to each other as they braved the huge place where the ceremony would take place.

“Stop being nervous, Nyoungie.” Bambam bumped his shoulders with Jinyoung, eyes twinkling with mirth and concern.

“Yeah, don’t be nervous, Nyoungie.” Yugyeom added, bumping his arms with Jinyoung’s shoulders since he was too tall. “We’re here with you.”

Bambam nodded and confirmed, “We’ll always be here with you.”

What more does Jinyoung need?

 

“Dude, I know you graduated College and all that shit--” Yugyeom winced when Bambam kicked his shin, “But you need stop being lazy and help us with homework.” 

Bambam rolled his eyes. “What this idiot meant to say was… that you need to stop watching dramas after dramas and come eat with us for lunch. Like, right now.”

Ever since his graduation a few weeks ago, Jinyoung has locked himself in his room at Jackson’s apartment. Sure, he’s sent applications to all the major Communication companies he knows and a few in the middle, but he hasn’t heard anything from them. Not a phone call. Not an email. Not even one to reject him and told him he’s no good.

Would it take too much time to even bother telling him?

But that was it, wasn’t it? He wasn’t worth anyone time. They won’t care for a 27 year old recent graduate who has issues and mental problems when they can have mentally healthy 22 year olds. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been trying to battle your way through your life, they still won’t want you.

Jinyoung wonders if everything he did is even worth this.

Jinyoung rolled on his stomach. “Maybe I should just go back to the hospital and become a full-time patient again? Do you think they’ll take me?” he asked them.

Yugyeom was the one who grunted and Bambam was the one who stomped his foot, Jinyoung was sure. But he didn’t need to look to see the worried expressions on their faces. He hates to disappoint them when they’re the only one who even cared for him. But what can he do, when he’s nothing but a failure?

“Stand up, get dressed and we’re going out. Now.” Bambam kicked his legs and Jinyoung had to stop himself from groaning in pain. Even though Bambam is probably a teenage girl at heart, it doesn’t mean his kicks or punches doesn’t hurt.

Pouting, Jinyoung stood up and pushed Bambam’s foot away. He huffed on his way to the bathroom, hating the smug grin on Bambam’s face and eye-rolling Yugyeom was sporting. It was time for some revenge, needed or not.

“I’m going to go and get dressed, just like you said.” Then, dramatically, he paused just when he was about to enter the bathroom. He turned to them and looked at the two of them. “While I’m away, I don’t want to see you guys making out or exchanging bodily fluids okay?”

As soon as he slammed the door, he heard spluttering and general disbelief. That would shut them up.

It turns out that when Bambam said  _ lunch,  _ he meant a buffet. Jinyoung should’ve expected this, really. How many times had Bambam dragged the two of them inside high-end restaurant that they couldn’t even dream to pay for? It didn’t matter if Yugyeom only wanted Choco shake for lunch or if Jinyoung just wanted cheese pizza, Bambam will still bring them somewhere else that they can’t even name the food.

“A buffet?” Yugyeom asked Bambam in disbelief.

“Yup, a buffet.” Bambam answer smugly, not even the least bit apologetic.

“I can’t afford a buffet.” Jinyoung complained, mentally counting the remaining allowance he has. Will it get him through the week?

Bambam raised an eyebrow. “Who said you were paying?”

“Who said I wasn’t?” Jinyoung immediately retaliated. He’s thankful for everything that Bambam does for them, really, but he isn’t a kid anymore in all the sense of the word. He can’t let Bambam pay for everything when  _ he _ ’s the kid.

It looked like Bambam was expecting that by the way he sighed. “First of all, I took you to a buffet because idiot here--” he jerked his thumb to Yugyeom. “--is a growing boy and growing boy needs food. I thought that maybe if I feed him enough, he’ll grown ten feet.”

“Shut up, Bam!” Yugyeom huffed, crossing his arms across his chest.

“And you don’t need to feel indebted, Nyoungie. You can repay me by buying me all the latest Saint Laurent when you get your first pay.” Bambam smirked, “How’s that?”

Jinyoung debated, he really did, but Bambam had a point. Except, will Jinyoung even get a  _ first  _ pay in the first place?

Bambam was about to say something, but Jinyoung’s phone, the one he received as a birthday gift from Jackson four years ago rang. He frowned and took it out. No one ever called him other than Bambam and Yugyeom so…

“Answer it, dumbass!” Bambam and Yugyeom both screamed.

Jinyoung snorted at them. “Boyfriends,” he muttered under his breath before he answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Is this Mr. Park Jinyoung?”

“Uh, yeah. This is he.”

“Congratulations, Mr. Park Jinyoung! I am Mr. Lee from Orange Communications. We’re pleased to inform you that we’re taking you in for our Internship Program.”

Without knowing, Jinyoung felt the tears coming as he confirmed his acceptance to the man on the phone. Bambam and Yugyeom were cheering beside him.

Maybe, just maybe, Jinyoung wasn’t useless after all.

When Jaebum saw Jae running to his desk, he knew he won’t be able to finish the press release he was writing. So he locked his desk computer--he doesn’t want a repeat of what happened before--and waited for Jae to reach him.

“What do you want?” Jaebum asked, already feeling tired even though it’s only 9:10AM. “I have a press release to finish.”

Jae snorted and rolled his eyes before sitting on the chairs in front of Jaebum that were meant for clients. “We… will have a new intern. Next week.” he said, as if it was the most interesting thing in the whole world.

Jaebum raised an eyebrow. “We get new interns every year, Jae. That’s how we got in, too, remember? Internship then regular employee then--”

“But--” Jae interrupted him as if he was already expecting this lecture. He probably was, Jaebum always love giving lectures. “He’s 27. Just graduated College. 27, Jaebum!”

“So? Maybe he took a second course or something.”

If glares could kill… “I wouldn’t be here and telling you this if he’s not something interesting, would I?” He still would be, really. Jae thrives on gossip, it was why they were in the PR industry after all.

“Do continue your story, then.” Jaebum was already planning his next tasks as soon as Jae leaves. He needs to finish this press release then have a meeting with a client for their future plans. Then he’s going to meet with SMEnt’s representative to see if they’ll want to get a PR Agency for their subordinate Woollim Ent. Then he has to--

“IM JAEBUM, WILL YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO ME?!” Jae had roared, now face to face with his own boss. “The intern has some sort of mental problem, but not enough to not be able to study. He just graduated College 7 years late. Now, he’s going to be an intern that will be assigned to you, you ass twat!”

Then he hmph-ed and left Jaebum’s office with his head held high. Of course it doesn’t matter that he had just yelled at his boss or called his boss an ass twat, Jae never cares about this. Plus, he knows Jaebum won’t report him or make a huge deal out of it.

So? It doesn’t matter if he’ll be assigned to an intern, it just meant he might get promoted or earn a raise. It would be worth it to baby sit a 27 year old recent graduate. If he’s useless then he could just give him really low grades later so that he won’t be promoted to a regular employee. At best, he’ll be stuck with the boy for 3 months.

But wait. 

Wait.

Fuck.

Mental problem? 27 year old? Graduated late? Jaebum knows someone who fits all that category. Someone he hasn’t seen nor heard nor thought about for nearly 10 years. In fact, Jaebum had been trying so hard to forget him that he can’t even remember the boy’s face anymore.

“It can’t possibly be you Park Jinyoung, right?” Jaebum whispered to no one in particular. And for the first time in 10 years, he felt the walls he built around himself shaken. He had tried so hard to forget everything that just a little reminder felt heavy.

When Jaebum received the letter of acceptance from Harvard ten years ago, he immediately made arrangements to leave the country. Due to his parents help in paying the rent and bills, all his pay from his part-time job was used to buy a one way ticket to Massachusetts, USA. He had asked his teacher’s help to get a diploma for HS and then packed everything he needed.

In one month, he was an official graduate and ready to leave the place he grew up at. His parents had no idea and won’t have any idea until he left wherein they would receive the letter that explained his decision. By then, he would have already arrived at the dorm and unpacking.

Jaebum knew his parents would be heartbroken, especially because of what happened with… But he had no choice. Staying at home and watching them suffer because of what he did hurts more than the fact that they aren’t even mad at him. He can’t stay here where could see Youngjae in everything, in every place and every person.

So he left and went to somewhere he could stay in peace. Or as peaceful as one who has nightmares of everything that happened that night repeat over and over again. Who could ever forget how Youngjae looked and how he sounded when he said his last words?

_ I wish you hell, hyung. _

For all the years he studied, Jaebum would hear those words over and over until he forgets how to breathe. Whenever he became too happy, flashes of that night would be replated until he remembered he had no right. That was how Jaebum had lived his life even after he finished University and was offered a job at a PR firm.

Honestly, after working there for 4 years, Jaebum didn’t know what exactly he was working for. He was promoted and promoted and promoted until he was holding a whole department all by himself in just 4 years. Everyone were jealous of him, but no one could get close enough to find dirt.

So when Jaebum was offered to move back to Korea to handle a department of their sister company, he had no idea why he said yes except for the reason that he didn’t feel alive anymore. Years of living alone and having no friends do that to a person. Before he could regret the decision, he was already on the airplane back home.

“Lunch, Jaebum! Time to eat lunch!” Yeonghyun had come barging in just before the clock struck 12. He was grinning in front of Jaebum’s desk, brightly colored tie distracting anyone who would look at it from what they were doing. He was sure that was a road hazard.

“I have work, Yeonghyun. You can go eat with your boyfriend.” Jaebum waved, hoping calling Jae his boyfriend would make the other guy happy. It did, if the huge smile was of any indication. He didn’t, however, leave the room.

“Do you think Jae likes me, boss?” Yeonghyun asked, leaning close to him as if this is the answer to all his questions. “Do you? Do you think he’ll be my boyfriend?”

“Yes.” Jaebum answers, which is always his answer anytime the other boy asks. “Jae likes you.”

Yeonghyun pouted, as usual. “Stop playing with my feelings, Jaebum!”

That, also, is his usual response.

Jae and Yeonghyun were Jaebum’s High School classmates and friends. When he left for Harvard, he told them only because he knew they’d bombard his phone and social media accounts with questions.That would defeat the purpose to be secretive on his plan.

When he got back to Korea and started work, he was surprised and gobsmacked like the two when they saw each other at the welcome party. The company was being secretive so Jae wasn’t able to get the name of their new boss. Imagine how pleased he was when he said it  _ must  _ be fate that they’re all working together in the same company.

“It’s like High School, only better! We earn money!” Yeonghyun sing-songed in Jaebum’s new office. Jae had started humming to the song, obviously stolen from Legally Blonde the Musical.

That was how Jae and Yeonghyun started controlling Jaebum’s office life. Jae would always come in the morning to gossip about all of Jaebum’s subordinates even if he doesn’t listen. Then Yeonghyun would barge in to bring him to lunch since Jae saved them a seat. The afternoon is his sanctuary because Jae and Yeonghyun actually seem to work during this time. Evenings, though, is a compromise with Friday being Jae and Yeonghyun’s day to drag him out while he has full reign over Monday to Thursday.

And maybe nothing really changed between their friendship as the two are still more outgoing than he is. There is, however, a change between Yeonghyun and Jae’s relationship. The two of them obviously like each other but is too chicken to admit anything.

Their confidant, unwillingly, is Jaebum. No matter how many times he urged them to confess, none of them listens and just think that he’s lying to them. What would he gain from lying in the first place?

So, the two being stubborn basically means that Jaebum is forever doomed to be the only bridge between their love life. Even if it meant third-wheeling on “dates” to the theme park or dinner “dates” at fancy restaurants. Sometimes, he wonders why he even keeps them.

“Lunch. Now!” And Yeonghyun has resulted to being childish. 

Time to give up. “Fine, fine.” He stood up and cleared his desk, locking the desktop and picking up his wallet. “Where are we going this time?”

The smile on Yeonghyun’s face was scary, but Jaebum won’t ever admit that.

It turns out that Jae’s gossips were useful to some point because it stopped Jaebum from protesting or being too surprised when their CEO called for him. Like what Jae had said, they have a new intern and it would be assigned to him to mentor for the next 3 months. He would have the right to grade him and decide whether he’s worth keeping.

“Here’s his resume and school record.” The CEO handed him a thick folder. “His treatment records are in there, too. You might want to read it because we actually do like this kid. He just needs to prove he’s sane enough for the job.”

The moment his CEO mentioned  _ treatment _ , Jaebum felt himself shake from fear. It couldn’t possibly be… Jinyoung, right? The last he knew of, Jinyoung wanted to be an idol and not a PR Agent.

But that was 10 years ago.

“I will do my best, sir.” Jaebum bowed and then left, waiting until he was in the safety of his own office to open the folder. If it was who he fears it is, better be in private to break down rather than risk having someone see him.

When he got in, he  closed and locked the door for good measures. He doesn’t really want to explain to Yeonghyun and Jae why he was shaken up over the new intern. Explaining who Jinyoung was to them would mean explaining the other parts of his life he wanted to burry and forget.

After checking under his desk and inside the cabinets (he wouldn’t put it past Jae), he finally sat on his chair and stared at the folder. He wanted to postpone it, maybe work on some of the reports he had to go through, but he knew he won’t be able to stop thinking about it. About the folder that holds his future and possibly his past.

Jaebum closed his eyes and opened the folder. Did he want to know? He could still close it right now… But damnit, he needed to know if everything he built for the past 10 years is in danger!

Eyes opened.

Lips gasped.

 

> **_Name_ ** _ : Park Jinyoung _ _  
>  _ **_Age_ ** _ : 27 _ _  
>  _ **_Birthday_ ** _ : 22 September _
> 
> **_Note_ ** _ : Has psychological problems. Please see Record of Treatments at page 4 for full history. _

 

Just like that, Jaebum knew he could lose everything.

When Jaebum went to sleep that night, heart heavy, he fell asleep with thoughts of kitty cookies and Hogwarts scarves. He felt the clench in his heart at the thought that after 10 years of running, he has to face the truth.

When Jaebum dreamt, he heard Youngjae’s voice and saw Youngjae’s face and felt Youngjae’s pain. However, he could feel a small tug at the back of his head about a boy who stayed awake the whole night to wait for a person who never came. He felt the tears and hurt and betrayal.

Not for the first time ever, he woke up in the middle of the night. The bed was too big and too cold. The room was too quiet and too dark. His senses were overloading, but there was one thought that stood above them all.

Jaebum felt alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for any questions, nagging or to remind me to update: find me in twitter @pettynyoung


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter wouldn't be here without my beloved ate jess so, thank you!!!!! ♥  
> hopefully the next chapter won't take a month to update even though everything is literally finished.  
> please tell me what you think! ^^

Jinyoung was in a panic. His tie wouldn’t straighten out, his shirt still looked crumbled, his pants didn’t match his tie, and his shoes weren’t shiny enough! Why is it, that even after a week of planning what to wear, his clothes don’t go the way he wants them to?

“Nyoung, you look fine, stop fidgeting.” Bambam seemed to have read his mind, reassuring Jinyoung the moment he stepped out of his room to show them what he looked like.

“I look horrible!” Jinyoung whined. He was up four hours earlier than when he needed to leave, and the food he had eaten was starting to feel as though it wanted to come back up.

Yugyeom snorted, not even looking at him as he played on his phone. “You’re right. You always look terrible, Nyoung.”

“Shut up, Gyeommie.”

They glared at each other. Bambam sighed loudly besides them, and then hit Jinyoung’s head. “Style your hair! Now, shoo!”

Jinyoung grunted in pain and at the unfairness of the world. “Yugyeom started it, but of course, I’m the one who gets punished!” He then stood up and went back to his room, locking himself in. Who knew what Bambam would do if he got his hand on Jinyoung’s hair? He shuddered, not even wanting to imagine it.

After Jinyoung left, Jackson entered the living room with a tray of hot chocolates and plates of toasted bread. He placed it on the table, to let Yugyeom get his fill of Jackson’s toast.

“Is Jinyoungie doing okay?” Jackson asked, sitting on one of the solo chairs by the right. “Junhyeok wanted to be here, but he has a shift at the hospital tonight.”

Junhyeok was Jinyoung’s closest…friend? Person? Family? He would’ve taken Jinyoung in, but Junhyeok was about to start his Doctorate in Psychology, the year his young charge was allowed to leave the hospital. Jackson had offered his apartment and Junhyeok just visited him.

“Hard to be one of the best psychology doctors in the country, I guess.” Bambam shrugged, taking a cup and sipping it before gagging. He proceeded to add three sugars, before stirring it and taking another sip.

“Will Junhyeok-hyung join the dinner celebration for Nyoung’s first day tonight? We already ordered all of the food,” Yugyeom asked, worried. They knew, Yugyeom especially, how hard it was on Jinyoung that he didn’t see Junhyeok anymore. He also knew that Jinyoung felt like Junhyeok was starting to leave him and Yugyeom didn’t like seeing that, no matter how much of a brat he was to Nyoung.

“You mean  _ I  _ ordered.” Bambam corrected him, but looked at Jackson for answers, too.

Jackson smiled sadly. “Hopefully.”

Jinyoung came out just in time to stop the conversation. He looked nice in his black slacks and white long sleeves. He got rid of the tie, probably annoyed at it. If Bambam wasn’t into tall brats, he would have been smitten.

Luckily, Yugyeom was there - munching on his toast with all of the seriousness in the world, making Bambam want to kiss him - to remind him. Unluckily, there were people around and he didn’t want his feelings to be found out. Sucks to be in love with your childhood best friend, really.

“How do I look?” Jinyoung asked, twirling a little to show off.

Yugyeom snorted. “You look fine. Now drink some hot chocolate and brush your teeth.”

Jinyoung pouted, but did just that. Bambam followed, finishing his cup so that he could take a photo of all of them. He’s never told anyone, but he prints the photos he takes and keeps them in a photobook. He’s sappy and soft-hearted like that, unbeknownst to his friends.

After a few minutes of fussing and more photos, Jinyoung finished preparing and was ready to face adulthood. Bambam and Yugyeom waved good bye to Jackson as they grabbed Jinyoung by the arms and dragged him out of the apartment.

“Bye, Jinyoungie! Good luck!” Jackson cheered from the door, waving back at the three of them.

As soon as Bambam and Yugyeom unceremoniously dumped Jinyoung in the back of the car, he crossed his arms and pouted. He didn’t understand why he needed to be dragged out or why he had such annoying friends. Maybe he should start making friends his own age...except, what was his true age again?.

“You’re going to do amazing, Nyoung.” Bambam assured him.

“Just don’t mess things up.” Yugyeom warned him.

“Everyone will love you!”

“Don’t be too talkative.”

“You’ll be everyone’s favorite intern!”

“Bring your boss coffee every time he looks like he needs it.”

They continued like that for the rest of the ride. Bambam was giving him encouragements, while Yugyeom gave him tips. Jinyoung doesn’t know which one of the two he’s thankful for and which one is just annoying. Currently, he feels a little of each for both of them. This just makes Jinyoung want to bang his head on the window until they arrive or until he passes out, whichever comes first.

Jinyoung is positive Bambam would freak out if he even so much as scratches the window, though.

Fortunately, he didn’t need to start using his magic words (i.e. “Your boyfriend.” “Stop flirting.” “Don’t make out.” “Get a room.”) as Yugyeom received a call from his cousin. This shut Bambam up, because Bambam knows Dowoon, Yugyeom’s cousin, only calls when there’s something important.

“Hello, Woonie?” Yugyeom answered, humming. “What? No, I didn’t! We didn’t!”

Jinyoung really wanted to listen. Dowoon was very entertaining, in ways that Yugyeom and Bambam never were - aka he studies - and if people thought studying wasn’t fun, then meeting Yoon Dowoon would definitely change that, in ways they’d never be able to forget. He’s also younger than Yugyeom, but in the same year as them; and he had an early admission to KAIST.

“Okay, fine. We’ll go directly back to school. Yes, with coffee, too.” Yugyeom snorted, but then it turned into a grin. “That’s great, I’m sure Nyoung would love it.”

Jinyoung immediately perked up at the sound of his name.

Once Yugyeom said goodbye and ended the call, he had Bambam and Jinyoung’s full attention. He grinned at the both of them, “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you both liked my cousin better than me.”

Jinyoung didn’t miss a beat. “I like him better.”

“Nyoung!” Yugyeom whined, then looked at Bambam. Jinyoung did, too, because Bambam just sat there. Did Yugyeom notice the implication of Bambam’s silence?

“Anyway,” Bambam noticed they were staring. “What did Dowoonnie want?”

Yugyeom looked crestfallen for a second, obviously waiting for something. He did recover fast, but Jinyoung still felt the urge to hit Bambam. How could two people understand each other so well, but never realize that the other feels the same way back?

“Ms. Song wants us to be on time for homeroom. She said she’s not giving us special treatments, just because we’re best friends with Jinyoung.” Jinyoung grinned; he loved Ms. Song and she adored him. “And Dowoon said he’s coming to Nyoung’s party later, with a gift. Wouldn’t tell me what, though.”

“Just him being there is good enough for me!” Jinyoung announced, laughing until he realized the car had already stopped. Then he felt his whole body turn cold. Did that mean…?

“We’re here, Mr. Park.” Bambam’s Uncle announced, turning to give him an encouraging smile. “Good luck on your first day!”

Jinyoung gave him what he hoped was smile and not a grimace. “Thank you!”

Yugyeom gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Go, Nyoung. Do great. We’ll be waiting for you at home when you finish.”

Bambam gave him a  _ fighting! _

Before Jinyoung knew it, the door was unlocked and he was out of the car, watching them drive away. He was finally alone, and he didn't like it.

The company was situated on the sixth floor, which felt ironic to him; it seemed like he’d be forever stuck on the sixth floor. The guard pointed him to the right elevator and then wished him good luck, as well. He probably looked like he needed it.

The sixth floor looked dull and brown, probably because it was a PR Firm. Jinyoung wasn’t expecting something colorful, but he wasn’t expecting gloomy at all. The faces of the two people who greeted were nothing but friendly, though, as their lips spread into huge smiles. Should he be scared?

“I’m Park Yeonghyun! Nice to meet you, Mr. Park.” The tall guy reached for his hand and shook it. Jinyoung’s hand looked tiny compared to his. “We’re under the same supervisor.”

“I’m Park Jae. Nice to meet you!” The shorter guy, the one whose height was the same as his, shook his hand as well. This time, his looked ugly compared to Jae’s pretty ones. “I hope we’ll have lots of fun working together!”

Jinyoung didn’t know how anyone could have fun when you’re working in a dull and brown place like this. But, then again, he chose this line of work, so he shouldn’t be complaining.

“My name, as you know, is Park Jinyoung. I’m very pleased to meet you, Mr. Park and Mr. Park.” He gave them a deep bow, hoping they’ll be nicer to him. He needs people to like him, after all.

After a few pleasantries and introduction to the company, the two of them led the way to his desk. It was just outside of his Supervisor’s office, they said.

“Supervisor Im has a conference call with the big bosses from US, so he’s busy right now. He’ll be done in about an hour or two, so you have that time to prepare yourself.” Jae’s eyes twinkled and Jinyoung felt a little bit afraid.

“Do you want a tour?!” Yeonghyun suddenly asked from behind Jinyoung, his loud voice amplified inside the office. A couple of people working on the other side of the room didn’t even look up, as if they were used to this.

“Um, sure? Thank you.”

Yeonghyun led the tour office, while Jae whispered in Jinyoung’s ears about the people they met. They went to different departments, and while Yeonghyun told him about what they do, Jae told him about who is who and what is what. Jinyoung didn’t know how to react to both of them, so he thanked Yeonghyun and raised an eyebrow at Jae.

This seemed to please them, though.

“I like this kid, let’s keep him, Jae!” Yeonghyun announced at the end of the tour, when they were both back at Jinyoung’s desk. “Please?”

“He’s not a dog.” Jae said, at the same moment Jinyoung said, “I’m not a dog.”

Jae turned to him, eyes wide. “Yes, Yeonghyun. I agree with you. We’re  _ definitely  _ keeping this one!”

Jinyoung wanted to protest. He wanted to stomp his feet and whine and pout at the two of them. He wanted to reiterate that he  _ wasn’t  _ a dog or any other kind of pet to be owned. He was ready to do it, too. Until the door of his Supervisor’s office opened and the man himself stepped out.

Jinyoung was frozen to the ground, his face blank of any emotion, because he didn’t even  _ know  _ what to feel.

His Supervisor faced him, face blank. “Good day, Mr. Park. Welcome to our team. I’ll be your Supervisor for the duration of your training.” The man gave him his hand, “I’m Im Jaebum. It’s nice to meet you.”

Jinyoung didn’t know what or how to feel at that exact moment, because there are two things that registered in his mind:

  1. This was his Jaebum, the one he’s been waiting for for 10 years.
  2. His Jaebum doesn’t remember him.



Jinyoung’s heart broke, the same feeling he had when he realized that Jaebum wasn’t coming ten years ago. The same way it broke, the moment he realized Jaebum wasn’t  _ ever  _ coming  _ back  _ to him.

Today it broke because Jaebum’s hand, the one he was so acquainted with 10 years ago, was small and rough. It broke, because Jinyoung realized another thing.

  1. This was his Jaebum, but he wasn’t _his_ Jaebum.



Jaebum felt himself stiffen the moment he saw Jinyoung’s entertained face turn blank. He could tell the exact moment that Jinyoung had recognized him, as his face had always been expressive. That, or Jaebum had always been good at reading the boy’s expressions.

He hasn’t seen the boy in a long time and yes, he forgot what he looked like, but now that he’s seen him…Jaebum wasn’t so sure he forgot, after all. It feels like those eyes and those high cheekbones haunted his dreams night after night.

“Good day, Mr. Park. Welcome to our team. I’ll be your Supervisor for the duration of your training.” Jaebum gave him his hand for a handshake and hoped that Jinyoung wouldn’t notice, “I’m Im Jaebum. It’s nice to meet you.”

He could tell the brief struggle in Jinyoung’s mind, no matter how brief and blank it was. It wasn’t long before Jinyoung gave him his hand as well, and shook Jaebum’s firmly.

Jaebum mentally felt a sigh of relief, because he’s always planned, ever since he saw Jinyoung’s name on that file, to ignore the boy. Pretend the past never happened and retend he never spent hours locked in a room with the boy. He had always concentrated on how  _ he  _ was going to approach him, the boy, Jinyoung, that he overlooked how Jinyoung might react.

Would Jinyoung talk to him? Would Jinyoung approach him? Would Jinyoung envelope him in a tight hug? Would Jinyoung finally ask him about what happened ten years ago, when Jaebum never showed up? Would Jinyoung even  _ recognize  _ him? Surely, for someone like Jinyoung, he wouldn’t be able to resist?

What Jaebum didn’t expect, though, was for Jinyoung to recognize him  _ and  _ pretend he didn’t. He wasn’t expecting Jinyoung to take his hand and shake it, and he definitely wasn’t expecting the warm smile the other sent his way.

“Good morning, sir. I’m Park Jinyoung. It’s very nice to meet you.” Jinyoung let go of his hand, “I hope you’ll take care of me.”

Jinyoung said it the way everyone says it. He said it the way Jaebum himself said it on his first day here. He said it the way Jaebum’s new subordinates did when they were introduced. He said it the way everyone did when they were in the same circumstances; but, for some reason, Jaebum’s throat tightened and he felt the burning reminder of his past.

For some reason, Jaebum thought Jinyoung meant it in a different way.

“I hope Jae and Yeonghyun showed you the place, since I wasn’t able to,” Jaebum nearly forgot about the other two watching them. Did they notice anything?

Jae pouted at him. “What do you take us for, boss? Of course we did!” Yeonghyun nodded excitedly beside him.

“Okay, good. Now you’re both excused.” Jaebum pointed to the door, “Do your work. I need that press release from you, Yeonghyun. And I need that proposal from you, Jae. At 12 o’clock on the dot.”

They both rolled their eyes and Jaebum had to stop himself from teasing them again. Jinyoung was there in the room, he remembered, and this seemed to do the trick. Luckily, the two bowed to him and then waved at Jinyoung, before leaving the room, ready to complete their tasks.

Jaebum opened the door to his office and made Jinyoung go in first, before following after him. He then sat on his desk and waited for his heart beat to lessen. Ten years ago, Jaebum was always locked in a room with the boy in front of him. Except, ten years ago, Jaebum wasn’t 28 and scarred for life. Things were different. 

Jinyoung was fidgeting on the spot, his fingers tightening on his slacks. It seemed that his actions hadn’t change and Jaebum wasn’t sure whether to smile at this or hurl.

“You will get a list of things to do every morning at 8 o’clock, so I expect that you’ll be here before that time. It’ll be different each day since I have to test your skills in all tasks. You’ll have different deadlines and I expect you to finish them within that time frame. Understood?” Jaebum spoke and he noticed how hard his voice sounded.

Jinyoung nodded. “Understood, sir.”

“You have a 15 minute coffee break in the morning and in the afternoon, then a one hour lunch break. I trust that you’ll always be on time.” He continued, his voice hardening after every letter he spoke.

Jinyoung nodded again, “Understood, sir.”

“Good,” Jaebum pointed to the door. “You will find the list of company policy and expectations on the bookshelf outside my office, near your desk. Read them and memorize them, if possible, before lunch time. You will be given an oral exam in the afternoon, before you get briefed on all the tasks. Understood?”

Jinyoung nodded and bowed. “Understood, sir.” Then he left the room.

If Jaebum didn’t know any better, it felt almost as if the boy wanted to flee the room. It must’ve been confusing for him; but, no, Jaebum doesn’t care. Jaebum doesn’t care if he made the boy uncomfortable. Jaebum doesn’t care if he gave too many tasks for today, or if the exam was too extreme. He doesn’t even care if he just scared Jinyoung away.

No, Jaebum doesn’t care, because he doesn’t care about Jinyoung at all.

The harsh beating of his heart and cold hands was because he was surprised by Jinyoung. That was all. Nothing else.

 

Jaebum hated this.

When he left his office to get some coffee, the boy was buried in the books Jaebum had instructed him to study. He had almost forgotten how good the boy was at studying, always reading, even when he was a child.

The thought made him freeze and he barked at Jinyoung, not wanting to see his face.

“Get me a coffee. One cream and one sugar. Now.” Jaebum then went back in his office and shut himself in.

Seeing Jinyoung like that, it reminded him of the hours being locked inside the boy’s room, while they solved math problems and read stories. He doesn’t know how to pinpoint it, but the thought made him want to throw himself off a bridge. It made him remember what he did, and that’s the last thing he wanted to remember.

Fifteen minutes later, Jaebum heard a tentative knock on the door. It was Jinyoung and he was carrying a tray of coffee. He was shaking a bit, but not enough to splash anything on the tray.

“Here’s your coffee, sir.” Jinyoung said, placing the cup on Jaebum’s table with a small, tentative smile. “Is there anything else you need, sir?”

“No, thank you. You may leave,” Jaebum turned to his coffee. Jinyoung left, closing the door softly.

The coffee tasted wonderful, just exactly how he liked it. It’s a relief that even if Jinyoung was 17 mentally, he knew how to follow instructions.

The door suddenly opened and Jaebum paused, cup in mid-air.

Yeonghyun and Jae bounced inside his office, even before the clock struck 12. They also had a helpless Jinyoung between them, squished with no choice in the matter. Jaebum could tell he wouldn’t like where this was going.

“Lunch. Now!” Yeonghyun announced.

Even before Jaebum could make any excuses, Yeonghyun was already by his side and holding onto his arm. If his past experiences were anything to go by, then Yeonghyun wasn’t likely to let go until he came with them. Sometimes, he hated how he really had no other friends, because these ones sucked.

“Okay.” Jaebum stood up, eyeing Jinyoung’s form. “Is Mr. Park joining us today?” He didn’t know how, but the way he said it, it felt even crueler than he intended. He heard the venom in his voice and he knew his face didn’t look pleased.

He wasn’t fooling anyone, because Jinyoung saw it, too. Jinyoung understood, because no matter how many times Jaebum pretended he didn’t know the boy, the boy knew him; and the boy probably saw the one thing that he hadn’t seen before - anger, hatred?

“It’s okay, Mr. Park and Mr. Park. I have to study for an exam later, I’ll just buy a sandwich to eat at my desk,” Jinyoung wormed his way out of Jae’s reach. “Have a nice lunch, sir Im.” The bow he gave Jaebum was stiff, and the way he left the room was even more so.

Even though Jae and Yeonghyun could sometimes be stupid, they weren’t stupid enough to not notice the weird exchange. Jaebum was bound to be asked questions.

It hadn’t even been a day and Jaebum was already this shaken. What would happen in the next three months?

Jaebum didn’t want to find out, but he knew he would.

 

Jinyoung’s first day ended worse than he thought it would. He honestly didn’t know how much worse it could get, but he knew he would find out in the upcoming three months.

But the biggest surprise, mostnotably, was Im Jaebum himself.

“You okay, Nyoung?” Bambam asked the moment he entered the room. Yugyeom was with him, drinking a Choco Shake from their favorite place.

Jinyoung smiled sadly, not knowing how to tell them, because they didn’t even know about  _ that  _ part of his life.

They met ten years ago, the day after his birthday, and the day after Jaebum abandoned him. He didn’t tell them what had happened, but he knew they probably had some ideas. He didn’t know how to tell them that the man he trusted and cared for, who had left him, was back; and he didn’t even remember him.

( _ or he’s pretending not to remember you _ , Jinyoung’s thoughts whispered. He ignored it).

There were so many feelings overflowing through him, after just one day at work.

Jaebum didn’t recognize him.

Jaebum was harsh towards him.

Jaebum, most probably,  _ hated  _ him.

Jinyoung didn’t know how to continue living with that, because even though Jaebum had left him and broken his promise, he didn’t hate him. Even though Jinyoung was hurt and broken, he never hated Jaebum. Ten years later, Jinyoung knew he still cared and still wanted Jaebum’s attention.

What was he supposed to do? This was a day that all the people he cared for, no matter how few, were supposed to celebrate with him. They were happy for him and why should he ruin their happiness, just because he’s hurting over someone who doesn’t even remember him?

Determined, Jinyoung squared his shoulders, pasted a smile on his face, and went out to meet his  _ family _ .

 

Bambam and Yugyeom were standing by the food table where everything was laid out, as if they were in a buffet. It was filled with different kinds of food, from Korean to Italian. Jinyoung really hoped that Yugyeom would go into ravishing mode and eat all the leftovers. He knew it would be pointless to depend on Bambam, who is more likely to take photos of the food, than eat them.

Then there was Jackson, who was busy with the music, even though Jinyoung didn’t understand why he even  _ needed _ it. It’s not like the dinner party was even much of a party, with only them; but he was there, by the stereo, playing hardcore rap and hip hop songs that Jinyoung wouldn’t be caught dead listening to.

Dowoon did come, just like Yugyeom had said that morning. He even bought Jinyoung some office supplies that he used to manage his tasks. Jinyoung loved them, all having kitten stickers pasted on each of them. Dowoon must’ve thought about this a lot because the two of them weren’t too close, but the care wasn’t any less important.

Last, there was Junhyeok, who Jinyoung was afraid wouldn’t come since he hadn't seen him in three weeks. It seemed like Junhyeok knew this fear as well, because the moment he came through the door, the elder man enveloped him in a tight hug. Jinyoung had wanted to cry, because just earlier this afternoon he thought his life was, well, useless; but maybe even if Jaebum didn't remember him (would Jaebum remember Junhyeok? Didn’t they use to talk?), it’s going to be okay.

“I brought you cookies!” Junhyeok announced, not even caring that there were heaps of food on the table. He held the plastic bag and Jinyoung’s eyes grew wide.

“Is that what I think it is, hyung?” Jinyoung asked, staring at the plastic bag.

Junhyeok grinned as he opened it. “Kitties!”

Everyone laughed. Jinyoung snatched the plastic bag and started eating it. Bambam, on the side, was complaining that Jinyoung was choosing to eat peasant food instead of the buffet  _ he  _ had specifically ordered for them. But there was a smile on his lips, so Jinyoung knew the younger didn’t truly mind.

Tomorrow, tomorrow he’ll worry about Im Jaebum. Today, he’ll just appreciate the people who care.

 

Jinyoung could feel it the moment he stepped inside their department’s office. He didn’t even need to look around and see to confirm that everyone must be looking at him. The stares were boring through his skull after all.

Hurrying, Jinyoung managed to get inside the office to Jaebum’s smaller one. The moment he closed the door, he felt himself sigh at the near escape. He didn’t stop shaking, because he knew that he may have ran away from the people who hated him, but he had to face his Boss that hated him too (if not more).

Jinyoung braced himself and knocked on Jaebum’s office. “Sir? It’s me, Jinyoung. Good morning!” He paused and waited for Jaebum’s grunt, before going to his desk. That was as much acknowledgment as he would get.

Breathing deeply and forcing the prickling in his eyes to stop, Jinyoung set to do his work.

It’d been a month since Jinyoung started working as an intern in the PR Firm and a month since he found Jaebum again. It’d been a month since he felt that Jaebum hated him and a month since the other staff started hating him, too.

The result of the hatred from his boss was what made the staff hated him, as well. Since Jaebum never praised him or said he did a good job, the other staff members thought he was useless.

_ He must be doing a horrible job if Boss Im hates him so much,  _ he heard some say.  _ Maybe he just got in because of money or influence or something. He probably doesn’t even know the difference between press release and news!  _ someone else piped up.

Thus, everyone hated him, too.

Jinyoung’s used to people hating him, he’s lived the last 10 years hating himself, after all. Then Jaebum hated him, though, and that’s probably the only thing that hurts the most. He’s only bothered by the others, because he could see them watching him and sneering behind him and excluding him from everything.

Only Yeonghyun and Jae still talked to him and invite him for lunch or the occasional dinner. Jinyoung always rejects, because he knew Jaebum won’t like it and he’s already displeased his Boss enough; coming with him for meals would probably be too much.

Due to his depression, Jinyoung had avoided Bambam and Yugyeom ever since week two. He knew that one hour, or even one minute in their presence, would be enough for them to notice his different demeanor and even less to analyze that it’s because of work. Bambam would probably be mad and tell his Dad to ruin the company Jinyoung’s working at (and knowing Bambam’s Dad, he probably would because he cares for Jinyoung and Yugyeom like sons, too). Yugyeom would be mad and  _ too mad _ could bring the two of them back to the hospital.

So, instead, Jinyoung made excuses and made sure he was busy everyday. On weekends, he went to the Media Library near the park to research some cases, hoping his new knowledge would impress Jaebum.

Every week he hoped, and every week he lost.

 

Today, Jinyoung was trying to be optimistic since he had a bag of kitty cookies to get him through the day. Jackson had taken it home this morning, saying it was bought by Junhyeok after their shift. He told Jackson to tell Jinyoung it was for good luck, even though he hadn’t told the older boy anything.

Jinyoung could tell Jackson knew.

Probably Junhyeok, too.

And maybe Dowoon.

Also, Bambam, even though he hadn’t said anything.

...Jinyoung hopes Yugyeom doesn’t find out.

 

Concentrating was one of Jinyoung’s week points because he couldn’t sit for four hours straight and that’s what this task entails. He was asked to read the whole report for SME, to make sure it was foolproof and proofread. It was a huge task and he didn’t understand why it was assigned to him.

With a huge bite from a kitty cookie, he started his work.

Hours later, when Jaebum had told him to bring it to him to check, Jinyoung knew why.

“It’s not supposed to have any comma here!” Jaebum had yelled, his voice booming inside the small office. Jinyoung thought the others from the department probably heard him, too.

“Sir, that’s not--” It wasn’t a comma, it was a slight smudge of ink from printing it and rushing back to the office to hand it in time. No one had wanted to let him use the printer in this department, and seeing as Yeonghyun and Jae were gone, he had no choice but to accept defeat and run down towards the nearest printing shop.

“I don't need excuses, Mr. Park! We don't tolerate idiocy in this office!" Jaebum had slammed down the whole report and stared at Jinyoung. His eyes were burning, of what, Jinyoung had no idea. All he knew was the clear hatred in those eyes.

Jinyoung knew explanations were not welcome, no matter how true they were. His Boss was set on hating him and no amount of truth could make him change that. So, he just stood there, eyes downcast and heart breaking as he felt,?more than saw, Jaebum glaring at him.

"Get back to sorting the records, Mr. Park." Jaebum finally said. "Try not to make stupid mistakes this time. Surely a university graduate knows the difference between 2004 and 2014. Dismissed. Get out of this office.”

Jinyoung bowed lowly, before leaving the office. Since the files were in the storage room at the other side of their department, he knew he had to be brave and face them, pretending they didn't just hear his supervisor's harsh words. He knew he had to pretend it didn't bother him, so that they won't have more ammunition against him, but it was so hard.

The moment he stepped out of the confines of Jaebum's office, he felt the judging eyes watching his every step and heard the hushed conversation of others. He knew that the moment he stepped outside, they would talk about him.

Jinyoung didn't know what to do anymore.

 

When Jae arrived with Yeonghyun, a new contract signed, he wasn't expecting the cold air in the office and the sneers of his co-workers. He saw them staring at the storage room as if it offended their whole humanity.

He went beside Yeonjoo, who was just at his right. "Hey, what happened?" he asked. Yeonghyun turned to listen as well.

"Boss Im just showed that stupid intern where he belongs, which is the storage room. He's in there, sorting out the papers. I'm not sure if he's even qualified to tell the dates from each other." She smirked, "Were 17 year old smart enough to tell the dates, Jae?"

Jae frowned at her, tugging at Yeonghyun as they walked towards the room. Jinyoung had locked it, probably not wanting anyone to see him there. The storage room was as dark as the office is lighted, the ventilation there had failed around a year ago and the dust collected. The two of them were worried.

"Let's just check up on him later, after everyone leaves." Yeonghyun told him.

Jae nodded. "Okay."

 

As soon as Jinyoung closed the door of his office, Jaebum closed his eyes and fought the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. He felt the pain pinching his heart and the reminder that Jinyoung was here. Jinyoung had been here.

Jinyoung was eating the kitty cookies that Jaebum had loved and bought for him.

When he saw this, he felt the anger rush through his body and had let him act offensively. He couldn't help the burn of anger,  as he was reminded of the past - his past - that came with the image of those cookies.

Jaebum hated it all.

 

Jinyoung locked the door of the storage room, not caring if anyone else might need to come in and knock. He knew he might get reprimanded for it later, but he honestly didn't care right now. All he needed was the assurance that no one would see him at his most vulnerable state.

At the silence the locked room provided him, Jinyoung was able to cry his eyes out. He made sure nothing dripped on the papers and that he double-checked them before placing them in the right year. It wouldn't do well to prove to the others he really was stupid,woukd it?

"I'm fucking 17 years old mentally, not 7!" He hissed to himself, as if he needed to remind himself of the truth. "I may be 27 and just graduated College, but I'm not 7 and still stupid!"

Jinyoung hated this. He hated that he's questioning himself, too. He hated that he has to constantly remind himself  _ again  _ of the truth, just because others didn't understand it. He hated that he's doubting the decisions he made at trying to live a normal life.

_ Maybe I should've just stayed in the hospital…  _ He couldn't say the thoughts nagging in his mind out loud, because if he did, he knew it wasn't fair to him.

Junhyeok had told him once that if the pain was too overwhelming, all he had to do was to think of happy things. Jinyoung had nodded and assured him that he will.

Jinyoung had, at that time, tried to think of his parents when they were still alive. He tried to think of the time when they all played around, under the rain, or when they went to the beach during summer. He tried to think of the dinners they had or the breakfasts they shared.

Nothing came to mind, but the blurry images that were made up of red, blue and yellow.

He had cried then, told Junhyeok that he probably didn't even knew what happiness meant. Then he paused and saw the scarf by his bedside table. He remembered the kitten cookies and math homework. He remembered chocolates and walks in the parks. He remembered Im Jaebum and realized that, yes, he did know what happiness meant.

But now, locked in a storage room with piles of paper to sort, Jinyoung couldn't summon the energy to remember Im Jaebum's face when he played with him and made him smile. All he could see was the burning eyes and the hatred that was clear in Im Jaebum now.

How could he imagine  _ his  _ Im Jaebum, when in reality,  _ that _ Im Jaebum doesn't exist anymore?

All Jinyoung could do was think of the good times he had with Bambam and Gyeommie, playing pranks on other people. He thought of going to school together and being the  _ Resident Trouble Making Trio  _ with the three of them. He remembered being introduced to Dowoon, Gyeommie saying he was the smarter but less cuter version of him. He saw images of enjoying the past ten years of his life.

It wasn't as strong as the thoughts of  _ his  _ Im Jaebum, but it worked fine. Longer and harder, but fine all the same.

Jinyoung couldn't stop the bitter laugh that escaped from his lips at the thought of what Boss Im would say if he found out Jinyoung called him  _ his  _ in his mind.

For some reason, he didn't want to find out.

When Jinyoung had come out of the storage room 6 hours later, he wasn't expecting anyone to still be there. He had waited until he heard the last scraping of chairs being pushed and murmured good byes, before he wiped the drying tears on his cheeks and got out. So, he was mildly taken aback when he saw Jae and Yeonghyun sitting in front of the storage room, as if guarding it.

"W-What…" Jinyoung didn't know what to ask.

Jae smiled at him. "We were worried, you know. We didn't know if you were okay and there’s no spare key to the storage room."

Yeonghyun snorted, "Either that or they didn't want to lend it to us."

Jinyoung continued staring at them. "Why?"

"Because you're my puppy!" Yeonghyun had announced and pinched Jinyoung's cheeks. "My puppy!"

Jinyoung had pouted, while Yeonghyun continued laughing.

Jae watched the two of them by the side, trying to think of what to do. He knew he couldn't let this go along. It'd been a month.

It was time to talk to Jaebum.

 

Jinyoung knew he didn't have much time until he had to hide from Bambam and Yugyeom. They had, after all, arranged it so that Jinyoung and Yugyeom's monthly check-up were on the same day. If Jinyoung weren't dead bent on trying to get better (and knowing he owed Junhyeok and Jackson and Bambam and Yugyeom to do so), he would have tried to skip it. As it happens, he didn't have a choice.

"You're still alive, Nyoung!" Bambam welcomed him back in a tight hug, the moment Jinyoung opened the door. "How dare you become too busy for your own best friends!"

Jinyoung didn't miss the way Yugyeom hovered by the doorway, as if he wasn't sure if he was welcomed to come in. Due to Yugyeom's mental illness, his other friends had abandoned him, other than Bambam, and Jinyoung knew this made the boy nervous that other people would leave him, too. It pained Jinyoung that he had been the one to bring this fear to Yugyeom now.

"Work trumps snakes and ants, you see!" Jinyoung announced, trying his best to not sound forced. He let go of Bambam's hug and went for Yugyeom, standing on tip toes to wrap his arms around the boy's shoulders. "I'm here, Gyeom. I'm not going away."

This seemed to please Yugyeom enough for him to return the hug. "You got shorter, Nyoung!"

They all laughed and that moment, Jinyoung knew they were going to be alright.

The drive to the hospital wasn't long because Jackson lived close to it, seeing as he worked there. Bambam and Yugyeom told him stories about their teachers and their classmates that Jinyoung knew. They told him about the cafeteria food and surprise quizzes. It was like Jinyoung hadn't ignored them for the majority of two weeks.

"You were the one who got his ass kicked by Woonie!"

"I swear, Kim Yugyeom, you should stop calling your cousin Woonie!"

"You call me Gyeommie!"

"You call  _ me _ , Bammie!"

The thought made him feel ill.

Yugyeom's doctor was always free first, so Jinyoung had some time alone with Bambam, before he had to go in for himself. Usually they spend the time talking about how Bambam had feelings for Yugyeom, but he didn't know if he should confess. This time, it wasn't about that.

"Yugyeom had tics the other week." Bambam informed him, eyes staring right in front of him.

"He hasn't had one in three years!" Jinyoung was surprised, but he had an idea where this was coming from. It almost made him want to run. He looked down at his lap, suddenly very nervous.

"I don't think I have to explain. I think you already know why, Jinyoung." Bambam finally looked at him, eyes really sad. "You were ignoring us for two weeks and I think it took it’s toll on Yugyeom by the second week. The first week it was okay, you know? We knew you were really busy, but… by the second week, he was starting to get restless."

Jinyoung didn't know what to say except for, "I'm sorry."

"Don't say that." Bambam glared at him. "It was so hard to watch him get the tic and not know what to do about it. It was always you who helped him through it, while all I did was watch until he finished. He was so worried about you that he got too stressed and… He's going to have more treatments next month if this continues."

Jinyoung felt ashamed because he was being selfish. Yugyeom, who had been nothing but nice and true to Jinyoung, had worried about him, when all Jinyoung did was run away from them. He knew Bambam wasn't blaming him, because most likely, Bambam was blaming himself. He always did, when it came to Yugyeom.

Someday, he hopes he could find someone who can love him the, way Bambam loves Yugyeom.

After their check-ups, Yugyeom wanted them to have lunch together, but Junhyeok had arrived and announced he wanted to talk to Jinyoung. The two didn't want to go, but knowing they didn't have any choice, they weaseled a promise from Jinyoung that they would go out next week. Just the three of them, like old times.

"Why did Bambam and Yugyeom feel they needed to make you promise?" Junhyeok asked him the moment they were together in this office. He eyed Jinyoung.

"They felt the need because I've been MIA for two weeks now. Yugyeom's tics came back." Jinyoung added the last one sadly, because the doctor confirmed that his stress over his friend was the reason for it. "Did Jackson hyung tell you I was acting weird?"

Junhyeok smiled and didn't answer, which meant Jackson did. "Did something happen? In the office? With Bambam and Yugyeom?"

Jinyoung shook his head. "Bambam and Yugyeom had nothing to do with this."

Humming, Junhyeok asked, "So, what happened in the office?"

Jinyoung didn't know what to do, because wouldn't Junhyeok remember Jaebum? If Jinyoung told him about Jaebum, Junhyeok would remember and then, what? What if Junhyeok agreed with Jaebum that Jinyoung's stupid and should be hated? Where would that leave him?

The look in Junhyeok's eyes told Jinyoung that he wouldn't let him go unless he got the truth (or partial truth) out of him. It was a look he was introduced to years before and would probably, hopefully, still be known to him for years to come.

So, Jinyoung told Junhyeok what he knew he should say, minus the name.

"My boss at work hated me the moment he laid eyes on me." He started, and found out that admitting to someone about what has been happening, hurts just as much as experiencing it. He told him about the glares and burning eyes. He told him about the criticism at work and how the other staff had been alienating him. He told him everything, every single detail from day 1 until the end. All except for Jaebum's name.

"I say your boss is an utter shit," Junhyeok simply said. Frowning, he added, "He probably has problems he's pushing onto you."

"So? That doesn't change anything, hyung." Confiding in someone, Jinyoung realized, breaks down your barriers and makes you feel everything you've been ignoring. It's painful and at the same time, a breath of fresh air.

Junhyeok didn't say anything for a long time and it frightened Jinyoung a bit. "It doesn't, but it will remind you that you aren't at fault, Jinyoung. You shouldn't take it to heart, because if he doesn't want to  _ see  _ you, then you'll move on. There'll be other companies who would love to take you."

_ Who would ever want to take  _ a mentally  _ 17 year old mentally like me? _ Jinyoung asked himself, but knew better than to say it out loud. Instead, he said, "I'll try, hyung. Thank you."

Junhyeok smiled. "Now, go. I'm sure Bambam and Yugyeom are really just at the Choco Shake shop waiting for you."

Jinyoung laughed because, yes, he's sure Bambam and Yugyeom are at the Choco Shake shop, waiting for him so that they could go out to lunch. He stood up and waved at his hyung. "See you, hyung. Remember to visit me at Jackson hyung's, okay?"

 

Junhyeok stared at his phone for a whole minute, before sighing and giving up. He shouldn't, and wouldn't, because even though he would love to give Jaebum a piece of his mind, no good would come from doing so.

The moment Junhyeok heard where Jinyoung would be interning, he felt his hands go cold. Even though he hadn't been in contact with Jaebum for years, he heard from his mom and dad where the other was working when he came back. There was a chance Jinyoung wouldn't even be in Jaebum's department, but there was a chance their paths would cross.

Junhyeok didn't know how Jinyoung would take it, seeing Jaebum after ten years, since the other broke his promise and never came back again. He didn't know if the boy could take the pain and the reminder of his past.

On the other hand, he also wasn't sure of how Jaebum would react. He wasn't at his uncle's party when everything happened, but he saw his cousin the day of the burial. He was a wreck and was obviously, at some point, blaming himself.

Junhyeok was afraid Jaebum would push his pain onto Jinyoung.

Sadly, it turns out he was right.

 

Bambam and Yugyeom weren't waiting in the Choco Shake shop, they were just outside of Junhyeok's office. The moment Jinyoung came out, the two of them took him in their arms and squashed him.

"You guys are too tall." Jinyoung complained, feeling like a sandwich right now.

Yugyeom raised an eyebrow at him. "You sure you're just not really short, Nyoung?" Bambam giggled beside him.

"I'm surrounded by giggling giants!" He exaggerated and no one minded him, the nurses and guests already used to their antics. It's weird how comfortable he is in the hospital, as if it was his home. He's sure he's the only one who thought like this, because Yugyeom sees the hospital as a reminder that he's not like everyone else and Bambam sees it as a place that wanted to take his best friends away from him.

"Where are we going?" Yugyeom asked Bambam while he maneuvers Jinyoung to enter the car first, pushing down on his head so he won't hit it. "Can we get Choco Shake on the way?"

Jinyoung poked his head from the car angrily, "How about a no, Kim Yugyeom?"

Yugyeom glared at him. "How about you shut up, Park Jinyoung?"

"You have no respect for older people!" He mocked pouted, before smiling when Yugyeom entered the car and sat by his side. Bambam sat in his usual seat in front, smiling at them through the front mirror. "Hey, guys?"

Bambam and Yugyeom immediately turned to look at him.

Jinyoung smiled back. "Thank you."

 

Due to a fantastic weekend of eating until they were too full with Bambam and Yugyeom, then a Sunday with Jackson playing around and making horrible jokes, he was full of hope come Monday. Maybe he didn't need the approval and like of his co-workers and boss, maybe he didn't need them at all. So, he went to work with a fresh attitude.

Only to be broken the moment he saw his desk full of sticky memos, more than 50 of them. Yeonghyun and Jae were there, trying to hide some of the ones they already took out behind their back. Jinyoung turned to look at the rest.

_ You're stupid! _

_ Get out of here! _

_ This is not for people who get special treatment! _

_ You don't know anything! _

_ You don't belong here! _

Jinyoung could feel the tears wanting to fall from his eyes, but he didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing him break down. So, he silently took each of the memos, reading the writing on them and feeling something in his gut twist at every single one of them. He hid them in his bag to read later, and maybe burn.

"Don't feel--" Yeonghyun had wanted to say something, but Jae stopped him and shook his head.

"It's okay, Mr. Park." Jinyoung assured him,?even though his own voice was breaking. He looked at Jae and bowed.

"You know what to do, Jinyoung." Jae told him, as he jerked his head towards the door.

When he went out to go back to the storage room, no one would look him in the eye. They were all looking in the other direction and he felt even weaker, but he still walked with dignity. Even if they were acting like children, Jinyoung wouldn't stoop to their level and show them they won.

They didn't.

As soon as he slid down, he couldn't help but wonder…

_ Did one of the messages on the memo come from Jaebum hyung? _

Jinyoung wasn't so sure he wanted to know.

"We need to ask him, Jae! Now!" Yeonghyun didn't look too happy and Jae understood him, he really did. He wanted to know the answer for himself, but he wasn't entirely sure that Jaebum would give it to them. "Come on! We can't let this go on! They're bullying Jinyoung! Bullying!"

Jae nodded. "I know, Yeonghyun. I was there, remember? But will Jaebum even…" Answer.

In all the years they've known Jaebum, back in high school and at work, there was no one Jaebum had treated like shit. In high school, he was the beloved student council secretary that everyone trusted and loved. Everyone from all groups and years loved him, especially the teachers. He had treated everyone, even the most nasty, with utter respect and kindness they probably didn't deserve. When they saw Jaebum again, ten years after his brother's death, they both thought he'd be different, but he was still the same. Jaebum was more closeted, but he definitely treated everyone with respect and kindness that they didn't deserve. However, Jinyoung, sweet and nice Jinyoung, he treated like utter shit.

"Would Jaebum even answer, Yeonghyun?" Jae asked, looking at his best friend. "Do you think, even if he does, he'll be telling us the truth?"

"No. He won't, but we'll have something at least. I just can't stand and watch Jinyoung be bullied…" Yeonghyun always had the softer heart between them, most likely because he used to be bullied back in middle school. Jae knew Yeonghyun hated that part of his life the most.

"I know, Yeonghyun. I know." Jae patted his back, then almost jumped when the door suddenly opened, revealing a confused Jaebum. "Would it hurt to knock, Jaebum?"

Jaebum raised an eyebrow. "This is  _ my  _ office, Jae. In case you forgot. What are you doing here with your boyfriend? No making out in my office!" He laughed, but was surprised when both Jae and Yeonghyun didn't laugh or sputter out in defense. "What's up?"

Yeonghyun was skittish. "We have a question, Jaebum. It's a very simple question that we're hoping you'll answer truthfully. Because, honestly, I can't just stand not knowing the answer to it."

Jaebum turned to Jae, who just nodded in agreement with his best friend. "Okay, this sounds serious. Fire away. You didn't lose the contract on Woollim, right? We need that because they have to pay a lot - Okay. Go on."

Yeonghyun frowned at him and Jaebum was confused for a bit. It was extremely rare for him to be quiet and when he was, it's usually not because of something good. Jae decided he had to take things in his hand.

"What's up with you and Jinyoung?" Jae asked as nonchalantly as he could, hoping his question sounded curious and not nosy; but the moment he heard the name  _ Jinyoung _ , Jae saw the shift of Jaebum's face from confused to stiff. There was nothing else to describe the expression he was sporting besides stiff… and guarded. Was there more to this than they could've imagined?

Jaebum took two, maybe three minutes to answer. Yeonghyun was already openly glaring at him now. "Why are you asking?" he huffed, voice sounding extremely forced.

Jae shrugged. "Well, you're Mister-Everyone-Deserves-My-Respect and Mister-I-Love-Everyone, so I'm wondering what Jinyoung did to warrant your extreme hate."

"What's it to you?" Of course, Jaebum decided today to be stubborn. Jae hated a stubborn Jaebum.

Yeonghyun was the one who answered this time, probably having a hard time keeping quiet. "What's it to us?! We have to listen to our co-workers saying nasty things about him, just on the basis that you dislike him! No one talks to him! And today, today we arrived to his desk covered with hate messages! From everyone in the office!"

Jaebum's expression faltered for a second, only a second, before it turned to indifference. "It's not my fault that he doesn't deserve my respect. It's the other’s choice to do whatever they want. They're old enough to decide for themselves."

Jae saw how Yeonghyun looked really angry, so he said, "You have no idea how much people in this office look up to you, do you? If you deem Jinyoung good enough, they'll treat him okay. But, for the first time ever, you treat someone like  _ shit,  _ so they immediately assumed he's the worst! Your opinions  _ do  _ matter!"

"Well, he doesn't deserve it." Jaebum retorted, hands crossing in his chest as if it will protect him from his two friends. "If he does, I'll be nicer to him. But he doesn't. End of discussion."

This time, Jae wasn't able to intercept in time to stop Yeonghyun's outburst. "WHAT THE FUCK DID JINYOUNG EVEN DO TO YOU?!" Yeonghyun yelled. "THERE BETTER BE A FUCKING REASON, IM JAEBUM!"

They didn't hear the door open when Jaebum yelled back, "PARK JINYOUNG IS AN IDIOTIC AND STUPID INTERN THAT ONLY GOT IN BECAUSE OF HIS MENTAL SHIT. HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HERE. HE'S STUPID. HE'S SHIT. HE'S A FUCKING KID TRYING TO PLAY ADULT. HE DOESN'T BELONG  _ IN  _ OUR WORLD. HE DOESN'T BELONG  _ IN  _ MY WORLD. I WON'T  _ EVER  _ LIKE HIM, OKAY PARK YEONGHYUN? NOW GET  _ OUT _ ."

They all didn't hear the door close either.

 

Jinyoung didn't want to come out of the storage room and face everyone, but he knew he didn't really have any choice. He already finished sorting out the papers and found the report from 2004 that his boss was looking for. If he didn't hand it in immediately, that would give his boss new ammunition against him.

"You can do this, Park Jinyoung. You can do it!" Jinyoung whispered to himself, giving himself a mental pat on the back. He opened the door and braced himself forbthe judgmental looks they were bound to give him. However, they weren't, as they seemed to be busy listening to something…

From Im Jaebum's office. Was that his name being screamed?

_ Shit.  _ Hurrying, Jinyoung ran towards the office and closed the first door. There was still one door separating him and Im Jaebum. From the sound of it, Jae and Yeonghyun were the ones inside it.

Although muffled, he could hear some of the conversation.

"What's it to us?! We have to listen to our co-workers saying nasty things about him, just on the basis that you dislike him! No one talks to him! And today, today we arrived to his desk covered with hate messages! From everyone in the office!" That was Yeonghyun's voice. So, Jinyoung  _ was  _ right, everyone hated him because Jaebum hated him.

The next voice was obviously Jaebum's. He couldn't mistake that voice. "It's not my fault that he doesn't deserve my respect. It's the other’s choice to do whatever they want. They're old enough to decide themselves."

Jinyoung knew, of course. He told himself countless of times that Jaebum hated him, he had told himself just less than a minute ago, didn't he? But hearing it directly, with that voice he connected with his childhood, was more painful than he thought it would be.

This time it was Jae who spoke. "You have no idea how much people in the office look up to you, do you? If you deem Jinyoung good enough, they'll treat him okay. But, for the first time ever, you treat someone like  _ shit,  _ so they immediately assumed he's the worst! Your opinions  _ do  _ matter!"

Hearing for yourself that Jaebum hated you, but hearing that you're the only one Jaebum hates, is painful in its own way. The first felt like his guts were being twisted, while the latter felt like his heart was being stabbed continuously.

"Well, he doesn't deserve it." Jaebum had paused, before continuing,  "If he does, I'll be nicer to him. But he doesn't. End of discussion."

"WHAT THE FUCK DID JINYOUNG DO TO YOU?! THERE BETTER BE A FUCKING REASON, IM JAEBUM!" It was Yeonghyun and Jinyoung could hear the anger laced in the man's voice. It was ringing in his head.

What had Jinyoung done to deserve Jae and Yeonghyun's support for him?

He needed to end this. He needed to stop this conversation before he hears something else that he wouldn't like to hear. So, he opened the door, prepared to bow down and maybe kneel to apologize.

"PARK JINYOUNG IS AN IDIOTIC AND STUPID INTERN THAT ONLY GOT IN BECAUSE OF HIS MENTAL SHIT. HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HERE. HE'S STUPID. HE'S SHIT. HE'S A FUCKING KID TRYING TO PLAY ADULT. HE DOESN'T BELONG IN _ OUR _ WORLD. HE DOESN'T BELONG IN _ MY _ WORLD. I WON'T  _ EVER  _ LIKE HIM, OKAY PARK YEONGHYUN? NOW GET  _ OUT _ ."

But Jinyoung was too late.

He closed the door, turned around and ran out of the room. He didn't care if the other staffs saw him because, so what? They heard everything anyway. He didn't care if Jaebum would hate him even more for leaving in the middle of a work day with his things half done.

So what?

In Im Jaebum's eyes, Jinyoung was just a kid, trying to fit in their world. He had a feeling that no matter what he does or what he tries to prove, Jaebum's view on him won't ever change.

For some reason, that hurt much worse than the twisting in his guts or the stabs in his heart.

Jinyoung was only able to hold his tears until he got out of the building and onto the busy street. People were walking in fast footsteps, passing by him and paying him no mind. In no time, he felt the first few tears fall until he couldn't hold it in anymore.

Jinyoung was useless to the only person he wanted to impress.

The way home was quiet as he hailed a cab and gave Jackson's address. His thoughts were a mess the whole ride back, flitting from one memory to another. He tried clearing them out, trying to think of happy thoughts the way Junhyeok had told him to.

_ PARK JINYOUNG IS AN IDIOTIC AND STUPID INTERN THAT ONLY GOT IN BECAUSE OF HIS MENTAL SHIT. _

It wasn't working. No matter what he did, he could still hear him.

_ HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HERE. HE'S STUPID. HE'S SHIT. HE'S A FUCKING KID TRYING TO PLAY ADULT. _

The voice kept ringing in his head, reminding him of the truth of who he is.

_ HE DOESN'T BELONG IN  _ OUR _ WORLD. HE DOESN'T BELONG IN  _ MY _ WORLD. _

_ NOW GET  _ OUT _. _

It was a reminder that he could do without, because no matter what he does, he felt like  _ he _ 's the one who needed to get out. Get out of Jaebum's life for good because it seemed like ten years wasn't enough.

The moment Jinyoung arrived in their apartment and his hand was on the doorknob, he knew what he needed to do. He really should've done it years ago and hadn't let the positivity of his doctors and teachers get to him. He never should've believed them.

In the end, it didn't matter if Jinyoung had finished college or gotten an internship. In the end, all that mattered was that he was 27 when he graduated, and he was still 17 years old mentally. In the end, he was still a teenager pretending to play adult and fit in a world he didn't belong in.

So,?Jinyoung embraced the reality of him being a 17 year old and ignored the words of everyone telling him he  _ isn't _ . What do they know? They weren't him and they certainly weren't the ones questioning his whole self and his whole self-worth. They weren't the ones out there, doing their best to do something they weren't sure they were ready for, but was told they should be. They weren't the ones who were hated because of his mental problem and was called shit and stupid and idiotic. They weren't the ones whose only bright memory of his otherwise stormy life was crushed with just a few words.

They weren't the Park Jinyoung that Im Jaebum hated.

Like any teenager, Jinyoung could only think of one thing, of one solution.

Jinyoung needed to give up.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this didn't take a month this time! last chapter next before i become busy writing a long fic for jjp's anniversary
> 
> **note** : this chapter is un-beta'd.

_“Why don’t… you look at… me, hyung?”_

“Y-Youngjae? What’s wrong?” Jaebum felt himself shiver, the words so familiar on his tongue.

_Youngjae hissed at every shudder and his eyes were closing in what could only be pain._

“Don’t. Youngjae. Just--”

_Youngjae was on the floor, crouching as he tries so hard to remain upright. But the moment, he saw Jaebum all the will to do so seemed to have gone._

“Youngjae--”

_“I wish you hell, hyung.”_

"NO! Youngjae, NO!"

Before Jaebum could start crying and fall hopelessly on the floor, he felt someone tap his shoulder. The moment he opened his eyes, he saw not the face of his parents, but the face of the taxi driver he rode on the way back home.

"Sir, we're already here." The driver said tentatively, "You were whimpering in pain just now so you might want to drink a warm cup of milk before bed, sir."

Jaebum smiled weakly. He looked for enough bills to pay and added some extra to pay the taxi driver for what he had to witness. "Thank you, sir." A warm cup of milk sounded nice, but he knew he didn't deserve to have a good night's sleep. Not like he had _had_ any, anyway.

"Thank you, too, sir. Have a good night’s rest!" The taxi driver gave him a short salute before Jaebum went out of the car and closed the door. It didn't take long before he was alone in the road, only the few passerby for company.

_Time to go home, Im Jaebum._ He walked up the stairs to his building. _Wherever home is…_

The walk from the entrance of the building to the elevator didn’t take long. Nobody here tries to talk to him except for the small nod of welcome from the guard by the door. He had managed to stay here for years without knowing anyone and he knew he should keep it that way--he would keep it that way. In less than a minute, the elevator arrived and he got in alone.

Jaebum lived in a small, but expensive apartment just a few kilometers away from work. He could’ve gotten a car, but he doesn’t trust himself to drive without wanting to slam the car to his nearest possible death.

Im Jaebum is only living to punish himself and dying feels like his only possible salvation.

_“I wish you hell, hyung.”_

But he can’t die. _Shouldn’t_ die.

Jaebum is living his own version of hell where he loved everyone except for the person he had once cared for. He could treat everyone nicely except for the one person who had accepted him for who he is. He could talk to everyone else except for the one person who brought him joy.

As Markn as he arrived in his floor, which is ironically the 6th floor, he walked slowly to his apartment and opening it with his keys. He welcomed the dark and cold room, it makes him sad the first few years, but he’s used to it now--used to the truth that he’ll forever be alone.

_“I wish you hell, hyung.”_

Jaebum turned on the lights. “It’s okay, Youngjae. I’m in hell.”

As he made himself a simple dinner of ramen, he couldn’t help but think back to today’s events. He didn’t really want to be reminded of them, but it was hard not to when he could feel the weakness seeping in his bones.

_PARK JINYOUNG IS AN IDIOTIC AND STUPID INTERN THAT ONLY GOT IN BECAUSE OF HIS MENTAL SHIT._

The thing is, Jaebum didn’t really mean to include Jinyoung in all his problems. He didn’t mean to push his hatred of the past on the boy. However, the _boy_ is his past. He doesn’t have a choice but to hate on the boy or else everything he’s built up for ten years would just be for nothing.

Jaebum knew he went too hard when he brought up his _mental shit_. Jinyoung never asked for it, never asked to be in that accident. He never asked to lose ten years of his life in a coma only to find out he still thinks like a 7 year old when he’s really 17. He never asked to lose his parents.

( _Like you never asked to lose_ him _and_ Youngjae, a small voice in his head reminded him.)

_HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HERE. HE'S STUPID. HE'S SHIT. HE'S A FUCKING KID TRYING TO PLAY ADULT._

Jaebum knew Jinyoung was still 17 mentally. It had only been 10 years, after all. So, why would he be working now? Why had he already finished College?

(“Why is he making my life miserable?” Jaebum whispers to himself.)

_HE DOESN'T BELONG IN OUR WORLD. HE DOESN'T BELONG IN MY WORLD._

Whenever Jaebum sees Jinyoung in his pressed suit and pants, all he could see is a boy pretending he belonged in a world he shouldn’t. All he could think of is the times Jinyoung asked him to play house or pretend he was a wizard.

He could only see the times they spent inside the boy’s room, studying or playing. Or he could just remember the times they walked in the hospital park and pointed to plants or flowers. He could only see the times they drank choco or ate kitty cookies.

Jaebum doesn’t see the way Jinyoung tries to hard in working on his tasks, hoping Jaebum would praise him. He doesn’t see the way Jinyoung carefully dresses himself, hoping that he won’t stand out too much. He doesn’t see the way Jinyoung tries so hard to fit in, to not be seen as a kid, hoping that he’ll be treated as an equal.

Jaebum doesn’t see the way Jinyoung’s suffering into trying to be someone he’s not.

In Im Jaebum’s eyes, Park Jinyoung will always be that kid he first saw in the vending machine. He will never grow up, never change and never be accepted in Jaebum’s life.

_I WON'T_ EVER _LIKE HIM, OKAY KANG YEONGHYUN? NOW GET_ OUT _._

Jaebum felt the pain prickle in his eyes as he yelled it out loud.

He may hate Jinyoung now, but he was pretty sure his 18 year old self thought the boy was his life. His salvation. So, yes, once upon a time in his measly life, he did like the kid--cared for him, even.

More than what he did for his only brother, it seems.

_“Good morning, sir. I’m Park Jinyoung. It’s very nice to meet you. I hope you’ll take care of me.”_

The moment Jaebum sees again after ten years, he felt himself go stiff.

It was hard, very hard, not to push the boy away at that very moment and lose everything he built up. But he tried his damnest not to do anything, not to say anything and not to show anything that would even give the boy a clue that Jaebum remembered him.

It was a good thing that Jinyoung didn’t say anything because Jaebum knew that the boy didn’t forget him. He could see the realization on the boy’s eyes and then saw it go dim, as if he had worked out everything that had happened.

But seeing Jinyoung there, alive and breathing, hurts more than Jaebum was aware it could.

Ramen was done and a bit soggy since Jaebum’s thoughts were elsewhere. He used his pot holder and brought the food to the table, then he grabbed chopsticks, spoon and a glass of water before sitting down.

“Thank you for the food.”

Sometimes Jaebum doesn’t understand why he persists on eating on the table when he’s the only one ever there. Whenever he eats at home, he eats on the table and stares at all the space in front and beside him--all empty. He had pushed away everyone that matters and kept the persistent ones at an arms length.

This was Im Jaebum’s punishment.

He that loved everyone and wanted everyone to love him is finally alone with no one to rely on.

When Jaebum had finished washing his face and changed clothes, he was now on his most comfortable pajamas and shirt. He turned off the light and went to bed, going under the warmth the bed covers offer him.

Jaebum usually stays awake for an hour more before he falls asleep. He knew he should go directly to sleep, since he comes home late and goes to work early, but he can’t help it. All the thoughts swarming in his head comes back the moment his body knows it needs the rest.

_“I wish you hell, hyung.”_

The ghosts of Jaebum’s past comes back.

It was always the same thing, the same memories that make their way into his eyes as if he’s seeing them all over again. It was always the same memory replaying and replaying until Jaebum just wants to jump off his window.

_“I like you, Mark!”_

Jaebum felt himself whimper as the memories start to play. They always do.

_“What? B-but Bum, I’m dating Youngjae… I’ve loved--”_

Every word memorized and clear in his mind.

_“Youngjae doesn’t love you! I do!”_

Every color of that day burned forever in his eyes.

_“Bum, please, no. Youngjae will. He will, I believe him.”_

Every feelings raw in his heart.

_“Why can’t you just love me? I’ve loved you my whole life and yet you just... “_

Every pain embedded in his veins, flowing like his blood.

_“Bum, I’m sorry. I need to go. I promised Youngjae I’ll come to his performance.”_

Every anger flaming as if years never passed.

_“You promised me you’ll talk to me!”_

Every choices made and wanted to take back.

_“I did! And I’m saying no!”_

Every chances lost just because things were too late.

_“You can’t! I’ll make sure you don’t--”_

Every expression on his face that should be forgotten, but can’t.

_“Stop. You’ll regret this someday, Bum. You know you will, so stop.”_

Every regret bleeding through wounds that are never seen and will never heal.

_“I wish you hell, hyung.”_

And the ending, the one that tops them all.

Those words that Jaebum will forever hear and will forever remember as he tries to live by them. This is, after all, the only payment he could give to his only brother, to Im Youngjae.

Living and suffering is the only thing he can offer Youngjae because his brother suffered more than Jaebum could ever imagine. A punishment made by himself is the only thing he can think of that would even make sense.

Because, unlike Jaebum who had chosen this punishment, Youngjae never chose to live as if he’s dying and suffer as if it’s the only reason he’s breathing. Unlike Jaebum whom everyone loved but no one _loved_ , Youngjae had chosen to be _loved_ while he loved and yet, that’s the only important one of all. Unlike Jaebum who selfishly tried to take was not his, Youngjae was patient and was rewarded with something he didn’t particularly wanted but ended up needed.

Unlike Jaebum, Youngjae is dead and all because of his brother.

Unlike Jaebum who grew up and finished school and got a job, Youngjae never graduated High School or gotten into an entertainment company or had gotten married.

Jaebum had robbed his brother of so many things that he won’t ever be able to repay because there was no price in robbing Im Youngjae’s happiness. There is only regret, pain and suffering as Jaebum tries to fill the gaps of Im Youngjae’s life.

And that, most probably, is why Im Jaebum hated Park Jinyoung,

Unlike Jinyoung who received Jaebum’s time and patience, Youngjae received selfishness and jealousy. Unlike Jinyoung who received Jaebum’s love and care, Youngjae only got hatred and neglect. Unlike Jinyoung who Jaebum treated as if he’s the moon and sun, Youngjae was treated as if he was dirt and hell personified.

Unlike Jinyoung who grew up, Youngjae never did.

When Jaebum’s tears finally dried up and the shaking of his body had subsided, he would close his eyes and welcome the darkness with nothing to show. He would slowly feel sleep creeping in as the whole day events finally tire him out. Finally, he would give in and let sleep take him.

Except, he knows that the moment he falls asleep, he won’t be able to get some rest at all. The moment he becomes unconscious from this world, another opens up.

The moment he fell asleep, he was brought back to the memory of Im Jaebum, Im Youngjae… and Mark Tuan.

 

**[Rewind.]**

**[Press Play.]**

 

There was a knock on the door.

“MOM! SOMEONE’S KNOCKING!” A 7 year old Jaebum screamed from where he sat in front of the television, watching one of his favorite shows.

The knocking continued.

Jaebum elbowed his 5 year old brother who was drawing beside him. “Youngjae, answer the door. I think Mom’s probably in the shower or something.”

Youngjae stared at him. “I thought Mommy said I shouldn’t answer the door ‘cause I’m too young?” he asked just as another round of knocking came.

“I’ll give you my drawing pad if you open the door,” Jaebum offered him the blank drawing pad. His uncle had given them these just last week when he came to visit. However, Jaebum doesn’t like drawing while Youngjae is quite obsessed with it so his is almost used up.

“Okay, hyung!” Youngjae snatched the drawing pad with his small hands and clutched them to his chest as he ran towards their front door. Since he was still too short, he couldn’t peak through the hole that his parents use. “Who’s there?”

A pause and then, “I’m Mark Tuan, your new neighbour. Mom baked brownies to give to you. They’re really delicious so you should taste them!” The voice was as high as Youngjae, even more, so the one on the other side of the door must be a kid like them.

“Okay. Wait!” Youngjae reached up and twisted the knob, opening the door for little Mark Tuan.

Mark Tuan was a bit taller than Youngjae and has a pretty set of smile that was currently directed at him. He was pretty and it was on the tip of little Youngjae’s tongue until he realized that boys probably won’t like to be called pretty. Immediately, Youngjae liked him.

“Brownies?” Mark Tuan offered the box he was holding with that bright smile and equally bright eyes. “What’s your name?”

“Im Youngjae.” Youngjae took the box and peaked inside. There were 8 pieces of delicious smelling brownies waiting to be devoured. “Thank you for the brownies!”

Mark laughed. “No problem, Im Youngjae! I have to go help Mom with unpacking boxes. See you around?” He waved and then ran back to the house on the left that used to be empty just a day ago.

Youngjae padded back to the living room and placed his now drawing pads on the table. Then he sat on the couch and opened the box of brownies, mouth watering at the thought of eating them. Jaebum smelled the delicious treat and turned to look at him.

“Where did you get that?” Jaebum asked, taking one from the box.

“From the new neighbours, hyung. Let’s eat them!” Youngjae handed Jaebum another one. “I’ll give Mom and Dad two each then I’ll have the remaining 2.”

Jaebum frowned as he looked at his two brownies. “Why can’t we just eat all of them? Four for each of us?” he asked.

“That’s not nice, hyung!” Youngjae replied, hugging the box to his chest. “I’ll go up and give Mom their share so she can give it to Daddy.”

Youngjae was sad and really heartbroken because his hyung had promised to walk home with him, but Jaebum suddenly said he has to study at school for a quiz bee. So what? Youngjae was 5! He needed someone to walk him home or else those big bad evil guys could come and…

Youngjae yelped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. _This is it. I’m going to die! Mom and Dad won’t see me graduate. Hyung won’t ever be nice to me. I will just--_ Youngjae had to stop his mental cries when he saw who owned the hand on his shoulder.

“Are you alright, Youngjae? You were shaking.” It was Mark Tuan and he had on a red and gold scarf around his neck, making him look cute. “Do you want a scarf?”

“N-no, I’m okay.” Youngjae bowed. _Wow, way to go and make yourself look stupid, Im Youngjae!_

But if Youngjae did look stupid, Mark never said. Instead, the boy just smiled and took Youngjae’s hands in his. “This will make it easier for you. It’s warmer and you have someone to walk you home.” Mark said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “”Where’s your brother?”

Mark had never met Jaebum, Youngjae was sure, because Jaebum was almost always away from their house busy with his friends or at school busy with school work. There are only a few times that the two of them even have time together.

“He had… something at school.” Youngjae didn’t want to admit that his brother chose school over him. It had always been Jaebum good at everything while he leaves behind his brother. Youngjae has always been alone.

As if reading Youngjae’s mind, Mark held tighter on his hand. “That’s okay. I’ll walk home with you. I don’t really have much friends here.” he smiled at him, that million won smile directed just at him. “Is that okay, Youngjae?”

It was more than okay. “Okay!”

 

Before long, it has become a tradition to walk together in the mornings and in the afternoons. Mark always has something sweet with him like brownies or cupcakes and Youngjae eagerly eats it all. They’ve become really good friends and Youngjae is very happy.

“Hey, Jae, how old are you?” Mark had called him Jae since Youngjae sometimes stutters and says just Jae instead of _Youngjae_.

“I’m 5, Mark!” Youngjae raised his hand up, all fingers out.

Mark laughed, “I’m older than you and I had no idea! I’m already 6, Jae.”

Youngjae’s face crunched up. “Does that mean I have to call you _hyung_?” Youngjae has only called one person hyung, and that’s Jaebum. For some reason, he hates the word because it reminds him cold afternoons walking alone and being abandoned for other friends during lunch.

Mark, as if having read Youngjae’s mind, just shook his head. “Nah, you can call me Mark while I call you Jae. Is that okay?” he held Youngjae’s hand again, tighter.

“Yes, Mark.”

Youngjae knew he couldn’t hide Mark for long and that they have to cross his brother’s path at point or another. They were, after all, neighbours and schoolmates. Youngjae wanted to postpone it as much as he could, but 3 months was all he had.

“Youngjae, I thought I told you to--” Jaebum had come marching into Youngjae’s homeroom, hands on his hips. He wasn’t the only upperclassman who visited, though. “Youngjae?”

Youngjae and Mark were busy coloring this book Mark brought. They were so engrossed with it, in fact, that they didn’t see Jaebum come in. By the time they did, Jaebum had been eyeing their close form too much for Youngjae to deny they weren’t _that_ close.

“I’m Jaebum. Youngjae’s brother.”

Right then and there, Youngjae knew he had lost Mark, too.

For years, Jaebum had always wanted everything that Youngjae had, too. He was always the perfect, son, friend and student so everyone gave him whatever he wanted--even if it meant taking it away from Youngjae. He doesn’t really mind because all he wants is to have his brother, his only brother, love him.

But the twinkling eyes and foolish grin wasn’t directed at him, it was on Mark who was watching Youngjae.

Youngjae was 5, Mark was 6 and Jaebum was 7. It was the day Youngjae had lost his best friend.

 

Jaebum always wants Mark near him. At first Mark still sneaks out and walks Youngjae to and from school with baked sweets in hand, but then Jaebum saw them and started demanding his time.

Losing Mark happened slowly.

When Youngjae was 6, Mark was 7 and Jaebum was 8, they all played together and ate together. Youngjae knew that the only reason that he’s even allowed to spend time with them was because Mark won’t come unless he was there.

Then came when Youngjae was 7, Mark was 8 and Jaebum was 9, where their times spend together were lessened. More like, the time he gets to spend with Mark and Jaebum was because their parents said he’s too young to go with them alone. Therefore, he was stuck at home while the two went to ice cream shops and elsewhere.

It took another 2 years wherein Youngjae was 9, Mark was 10 and Jaebum was 11 for him to realize that things will never be the same again. The two had a circle of friends that doesn’t include Youngjae because he was a _kid_. Youngjae didn’t realize how much he hated that word.

By another 3 years where Youngjae was now 12, Mark was 13 and Jaebum was 14, their lives were far apart. The two were in student council together while Youngjae befriended a boy named Sungjin hyung who introduced him to the world of dancing.

Markn, when Youngjae was 14, Mark was 15 and Jaebum was 16, Youngjae never talks to the two anymore. Whenever Mark tries to talk to him, he goes as far as he can or pretends he’s running late for something. Whenever he sees the other boy, he does the same, too. With Jaebum, it was easier, because his brother never notices him anyway.

“Sungjin hyung!” Youngjae draped himself all over his best friend’s back. “Let’s go watch Higashino Keigo Mysteries? We’re in episode 4 now, right?”

Sungjin hyung rolled his eyes and was about to agree since he did like those dramas, too. However, he saw a glowering upperclassman behind Youngjae. “Oh, sorry, Jae. I have to go. I, err, I have to help Mom wash the dishes or something. See you tomorrow!” then he ran away, leaving his confused best friend behind.

Youngjae was about to run after him when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Confused, he turned around and saw someone he hadn’t expected--Mark Tuan.

“Jae?” was the first thing out of Mark’s mouth. He looked confused, as well.

Youngjae cleared his throat, looking around for his brother, he was bound to be near them. “That’s me.”

“You were Jae only to me.” Mark said, still looking confused with the crease on his forehead.

Youngjae shrugged. “I’m Jae, now.” I’m Jae, the one you didn’t pay attention to.

Mark looked hesitant and Youngjae had no idea why. “Err.. do you have… err… time… to…?”

“YOUNGJAE! WE HAVE TO GO NOW!” It was one of Youngjae’s friends, Dahyun. They promised to practice that duet they had for the February showcase.

“Hey, I have to go now. If you’re looking for my brother, I have no idea either. Bye--” Youngjae was about to make a quick escape, he was so close, too. But Mark’s hands on his shirt stopped him. “Huh?”

Mark stared directly at him, all hesitation lost. “I love you, Im Youngjae. Will you go out with me?”

Stunned, Youngjae could only run away.

 

Youngjae honestly thought that was the end of it. He really did. There was no way Mark Tuan was serious about loving him because, how could he? They’ve never spoken to each other for years and Youngjae was pretty sure Mark had never even looked his way for years (he was sure because Youngjae always looked Mark’s way).

He was wrong, though.

Whenever Mark sees him, the older boy would always say, “Hey Youngjae! I love you!”

When they see each other in the hallway, “Hi Youngjae! I love you!”

When they see each other in the cafeteria, “Eat well, Jae! I love you!”

Everyday at every time Mark could, he would always tell Youngjae, “I love you!”

At first Youngjae thought it was a prank by his brother, but the frown and glare he sent his way was no lie. There was no other explanation, really, but that what Mark is saying is the truth. Youngjae was even more confused.

“What do you mean why?” Mark looked affronted when Youngjae cornered him one day and demanded an explanation. “Why I love you? Why I chose you? Why what? I’ve always loved you, Jae. For years. Even when you were 5 and I was 6.”

“B-but you were with hyung--”

“It’s always been you, Jae.” Mark’s sincere expression and the pain laced in his voice told Youngjae that it was true. All true.

So what was Youngjae to do? For years he watched Mark get taken away from him, talk to everyone but him and now he’s here, about to become his. Youngjae has always _liked_ Mark, even when they were apart. But. Will that be love?

“I don’t love you, Mark.” Youngjae said, his voice firm. Mark’s hopefuly expression fell. “But I do like you too and I hope that… I hope that you’ll be okay to wait, until I’ll finally love you.”

It didn’t need any answer because Markn, Mark was throwing himself at Youngjae and hugging him tight as if he was the world.

Youngjae had no idea that he was Mark’s world.

The days following might probably be the best in Youngjae’s whole life. Even better than the first time Mark went home with him back when they little kids. It was like this missing part of his life has become complete that he doesn’t even care what it entails.

Mark spends most of his time with him now. They go to school together and eat lunch together. Mark would wait for his vocal practice to be finished while working on some homeworks in his classroom. Then they’d grab something to eat at the nearby restaurants before heading home together.

“I love you, Youngjae.” Mark would always say before they separate ways, “Goodnight.”

Youngjae haven’t said it back. Not yet. Sometimes he still wonders if maybe Mark was just messing with him, but every time he’s proven wrong. Every time Mark says those words he could feel the truth and love flowing with every letter.

Mark loves him.

Youngjae wants to tell him he loves him, too.

“Hey, Mark?" Youngjae was curled up in Mark's lap while the other was reading Harry Potter. He saw his brother pass by them earlier, fists curled up in obvious anger. However, he was not the point of this conversation. "Mark?"

Bookmarking the page he was reading, Mark stared at Youngjae. "Yes, Jae?"

Youngjae blushed at the nickname and not because Sungjin hyung, his best friend, teases him about it. He doesn't know why, but the stupid nickname sounds like it's so important if it's coming from Mark. Probably because it's Mark. "About Jaebum hyung…" he didn't really know where to start, now that he remembered his brother. "Why did you suddenly leave me for Jaebum hyung those years ago?"

Mark's eyes saddened. "I didn't mean to do it, Jae. At first I was nice to Bum because he was your brother. Then he dragged me to meet these people and it seemed impolite to not talk to them, you know? Bum introduced me to more and more people like Jaehyung and Yeonghyun that I didn't know anymore how to stop talking to them? Then, before I know it, you were already too far away from me…"

Youngjae held his breathe. The view from Mark's lap was beautiful, only because he could see all the raw emotions. "You never came back for me." he said quietly because it was true. Mark was his first friend, the first person who liked him not because he was Im Jaebum's brother.

"I'm sorry, Youngjae-ah. We all grew up and you became cuter--" Mark winked at him, making Youngjae blush. "--and had friends your age. I didn’t want to push because of our already huge gap. It seemed like you didn't want to talk to me, too."

"I was mad at you, Mark. For choosing Jaebum hyung over me like everyone else." he admitted, the tears threatening to fall. It was the first time he had ever said this out loud to anyone. His fears. "Why that day, though? Why did you suddenly…"

Mark beamed. "Why did I suddenly admit I loved you?" Youngjae hummed in confirmation. "Because you were there. I had so many plans prepared to confess when suddenly, suddenly I saw you there and you were happy with Sungjin and I just--I wanted to be part of that happiness."

This seemed to appease Youngjae, the smile bright on his lips. He stood up and faced Mark. "You love me, Mark?"

"Of course, you know that," Mark laughed. "I love you, Youngjae. Always."

"Then come watch me at the showcase this Thursday, Mark?" Youngjae was performing last. He had a duet with Dahyun at the beginning, but the finale was his. He wanted Mark there to witness one of the greatest moment in his life.

Without any hesitation, Mark smiled. “Of course, Jae.”

 

The day of the showcase creeped in slowly that Youngjae has more and more time spent practicing while Mark is left to wait for him. The older doesn’t mind as he waits patiently for his boyfriend because he knows how important this was to Youngjae.

“Tomorrow, Mark. See you tomorrow? I’ll save you a seat right in front!” Youngjae excitedly told him when they parted at 11PM the day before the showcase. “You’ll come, right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Mark promised, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek before pinching it. They laughed before waving good bye, separating to go back home. Just as Youngjae was about to open the door, he called, “Jae?”

Youngjae looked at him, his eyes droopy. “Yes, Mark?”

“I love you, Youngjae.” Mark smiled, “Goodnight.”

_Tomorrow,_ Youngjae thought. _Tomorrow I’ll tell you the same thing, Mark._

“Goodnight, Mark. See you tomorrow.”

 

When Mark woke up, one of the first things he noticed was that his phone was ringing. Groggily, he answered it without checking who was calling.

“Hello?”

“M-Mark…” Jaebum’s sobbing voice sounded a hundred times shaky than it usually is.

“Bum?” Mark rubbed his eyes and checked the time. It was already 11:41 AM. The showcase starts at exactly 3PM and he needed to get up to prepare himself if he wants to get there on time while still looking presentable.

“M-Mark… I-I n-need… I-It... “ Jaebum couldn’t form any proper words and it’s just confusing because… Jaebum never shows any other emotion besides happy.

“Is there something you need, hyung? Are you alright?” Mark had stood up and opened his closet, taking out the outfit he chose to wear for today’s events. It wouldn’t do well for the boyfriend of the lead performer to look like a nerd, right?

“M-Mark… I… C-Can you come and t-talk to m-me?” Jaebum was stuttering that Mark had to pause before the words processed. “P-Please?”

“Bum? Now?” Mark counted the time and if Jaebum wasn’t too far, he could go talk to him for 30 mins or an hour and he’d still have enough time to go to Youngjae’s performance.

“Y-Yes… I-I need your help…”

“Where are you, Bum?” Mark sincerely hopes that Jaebum is somewhere near. Perhaps the cafe in front of his house.

“A-at school…”

Damn. Jaebum was at the other end of the city, a whole 30 minutes ride away from his house and then an hour ride from there to where Youngjae’s showcase was held. There won’t be enough time.

“I’m going to Youngjae’s--” There was a sob from Jaebum. “Showcase. Aren’t you going, Bum? He’s your brother…”

“Just fifteen minutes, please. I’ll be waiting.” Then Jaebum hung up.

Mark decided to leave a voice mail to Youngjae who was probably having last minute practice. “Hey Jae? Jaebum said he needed to talk to me about something so I’m just going to check up on him. I’ll be there! Good luck! I love you, Youngjae.”

It was only when Mark was dressed and about to walk towards the bus stop that he realized Jaebum wasn’t crying anymore when he said those last words.

 

Mark arrived at their school at 1:45PM because his Mom had insisted that he needed to help her cook lunch and eat it with them. He needed to leave at 2PM if he wants to arrive at Youngjae’s Showcase and watch the start.

Jaebum was sitting on the bench that he and Youngjae used to frequent. The older’s head was bowed and his back looked tense. Mark wonders what was wrong.

“Bum?” Mark sat beside him on the bench. “Are you okay?”

Jaebum didn’t say anything for a minute and Mark could hear the time ticking by. It won’t be long before he needs to go and he has to. Sadly, Youngjae is more important than… well… anyone, really.

Before Mark could tell Jaebum that he had to leave in 10 minutes, the other finally faced him. “Bum?” he’s never seen Jaebum’s eyes blaze as if on fire. He’s always looked kind and was always exactly that.

When Jaebum finally spoke, it was words Mark never thought he’d hear from the older boy. “I like you, Mark!”

Mark was speechless and a minute probably passed before his mind could even form anything coherent. Jaebum was still waiting. “What? B-but Bum, I’m dating Youngjae… I’ve loved--”

Before he could finish, Jaebum interrupted him with words he didn’t want to hear. “Youngjae doesn’t love you! I do!”

“Bum, please, no. Youngjae will. He will, I believe him.” Sometimes Mark questions it, whether Youngjae ever will. It was obvious Youngjae likes him enough, but will he ever get around to loving him? It’s been months...

This time, Jaebum held onto his shoulders and forced Mark to face him. “Why can’t you just love me? I’ve loved you my whole life and yet you just... “ Now, Jaebum was tearing up. Jaebum looked horrible crying, but Mark could only see the tears.

It was already 5 minutes past 2PM. Mark needed to go so he tried to push off the older’s hands on his shoulders. “Bum, I’m sorry. I need to go. I promised Youngjae I’ll come to his performance.”

The tears were still there, but now Jaebum looked angry as he shook him. “You promised me you’ll talk to me!”

Mark was getting angry as well. “I did! And I’m saying no!”

“You can’t! I’ll make sure you don’t--” Jaebum was about to lean in, obviously about to force a kiss on Mark. However, Mark has had enough.

Mark slapped Jaebum. He hasn’t done it in a long time and he doesn’t really regret it. “Stop. You’ll regret this someday, Bum. You know you will, so stop.”

At Jaebum’s shocked face, Mark pushed him off and stood up.

It was 2:12 and he needed to run.

So he did.

That was the last time Mark had ever run and had ever rode a bus.

At 2:36PM, the bus Mark’s riding was hit by a tanker truck on the left side--which is where Mark was sitting. He was crushed even before he could process what was happening.

Mark never got off the bus.

Mark never got to watch Youngjae dance, not even once.

Most of all, Mark never heard Youngjae say the words he’s wanted to hear all his life.

 

Jaebum couldn’t attend the funeral because Youngjae was there.

He sat on his bed the whole time, staring off into space and watching anything that would catch his attention for a very short minute.

Guilt was eating him up in a way that he never thought was possible.

Jaebum was the reason Mark died and he knew it.

If only he didn’t call Mark to meet him…

Obviously, he wasn’t the only one who thought so.

“YOU KILLED HIM!” Youngjae had come bursting the day after the funeral. He looked thinner than he usually was and his eyes were brimming with tears, red and bloodshot. His brother had never looked at him like this. “YOU CALLED FOR HIM AND--YOU KILLED MARK!”

Jaebum bowed his head. “I did. I’m--”

But before he could finish, the door had slammed shut. Youngjae was gone.

It was the last time they ever saw any other kind of emotion in Youngjae’s face. From that moment on, Youngjae never smiled or cried. Ever since all Youngjae had was a blank face void of any emotion as he continued living, ignoring everything around him.

Ignoring Jaebum as if he never even existed.

“Jaebum-ah, I’m worried about Youngjae…” His Mom told him one day as she cooked their dinner. His Dad was in the office, but he’ll be home to eat dinner with them. She looked at him sadly, “He never eats properly. He never sleeps properly. It’s like he’s just.. living, but not really.”

“I--” Jaebum was about to apologize, about to go down on his knees and ask for forgiveness. But, he realized, that it’s Youngjae he really needed to talk to. “I’ll go check up on him and ask him if he wants some brownies, Mom.”

His Mom smiled. “Go bring him some brownies, Jaebum.”

Jaebum took three brownies from the batch his Mom just made and piled them up on a plate. He took a glass of water as well and placed them all on a tray. He knew he was trying to bribe Youngjae, but he really needed to see his brother.

It was funny how a year ago Youngjae was the one who sought after Jaebum’s attention and now it was the other way around. Jaebum is now the one sneaking glances and opening his mouth only to close it again, afraid Youngjae won’t like what he’ll say.

Jaebum carefully walked up the stairs, hoping he doesn’t spill anything. Youngjae’s room was closer to the stairs and he was thankful because he doesn’t know how much long he can hold his arms up. Youngjae has always been the stronger and sportier one between them.

Jaebum knocked. “Youngjae? I brought brownies.”

No answer came. It wasn’t the first time.

“Youngjae?” Jaebum knocked again.

There wasn’t any answer, Jaebum was already anticipating that. He pressed his ears on the door to hear anything. Maybe Youngjae was asleep?

However, he wasn’t anticipating the loud thud of something hard hitting the floor. As if it’s wood.

“Youngjae? Are you alright?” Jaebum felt himself starting to panic. He couldn’t help it, but it’s there. He knocked again and tried the handle, but it was locked. “Youngjae?!”

“Jaebum, is everything alright?” His Mom called from the first floor.

Jaebum didn’t answer. Instead, he ran towards the cabinet where all the keys of the house were kept. He took Youngjae’s and ran back, fitting the key in the hole. It took him longer than it should, but he finally got it open.

The sight that welcomed him was something he won’t ever forget.

“MOM! CALL THE AMBULANCE! NOW!”'

 

**[Pause.]  
** **[Forward.]  
** **[Press Play.]**

Bambam slid on the seat beside Yugyeom, handing him a choco bar and handing another one to Dowoon who was sitting beside his cousin. The two immediately opened theirs and started eating it in the same manner. It would’ve freaked other people out at how in tune and in sync the two are, but he’s used to it.

“Any plans for the afternoon?” Bambam asked, looking at his watch. “School will be out in a few.”

“Band practice?” Dowoon answered then nudged his cousin. “Yugyeom hyung should come watch me. I need pointers on how to flop my legs around as I play the drums.”

Bambam giggled. Yugyeom snorted.

“Shut up, Woonie.” Yugyeom finished his choco bar, folding foil perfectly. Dowoon, not surprisingly, followed. “We should go out. Get some shake.”

“Eat tteokbeokki!” Bambam excitedly agreed.

“I have dance practice, hyungs.” Dowoon grinned, “I can just take a rain check and go tomorrow. The two of you can have your date.”

Bambam spluttered while Yugyeom immediately denied, “This brat! We’re not dating!”

Dowoon shrugged, “If you say so, Gyeomie hyung.”

Just as Yugyeom was about to answer, a student tapped him on the shoulder. “Mrs. Jo said he needs to discuss with you something regarding your report for tomorrow. Now. She’ll be in her office.”

Yugyeom nodded then turned to Dowoon. “We’re not done yet, Woonie. But in case the meeting will take too long, see you tomorrow, brat! Wait for me, Bambam?”

Before Bambam would nod, Dowoon had answered for him, “When has Bambam hyung not?”

Yugyeom didn’t have enough time to question him as the student impatiently tapped his foot, waiting for him. He stood up and followed with a long-suffering sigh.

“Aren’t you ever going to confess to him, hyung?” Dowoon had now faced Bambam, his familiar looking eyes staring directly at him. “It’s been years! It’s hard to watch the two of you dance around each other.”

“We’re not--”

“Yes, you are, hyung.” Of course, Dowoon would interrupt him. Yugyeom’s cousin is probably smarter than everyone in their year combined. He may only be young, but they all knew Dowoon thinks three steps ahead of everyone.

Knowing defeat, Bambam just sighed. “I can’t help it, Woonie. Gyeomie doesn’t seem… to like me, anyway. He likes me as a best friend, sure, but he treats Nyoung exactly the same! Sometimes he treats Nyoung more special, even!”

Dowoon cocked an eyebrow. “Really, hyung? That’s not how I see it. I think Gyeomie hyung likes you back, has so for years. Both of you just don’t want to confess to each other.” he smiled, “You should, hyung. College is just around the corner and even if you’re going to the same one, your courses are different. New people and all that.”

Of course Bambam has thought of that, he’s always thought of that ever since he found out what course Yugyeom was planning to take. Yugyeom wanted to be a Psychologist, which isn’t much of a surprise considering. Bambam, however, wanted to take Fashion Design. Their classes are in different buildings and the only same ones are probably the minor subjects.

Bambam knew that he and Yugyeom were bound to be separated.

“What are you planning, hyung?” Dowoon prodded again, eyeing him. “Time is ticking.”

Yugyeom stepped in the classroom and saw that only Bambam was left inside. “Dowoon already left for band practice?” he asked, going to his desk to pick up his bag.

It was only when he was beside his best friend that he saw Bambam’s eyes, staring on the black board. Bambam had smiled to him, but it wasn’t the usual bright one that lights up his whole face and make him look like an idiot. Yugyeom liked that face.

“Are you feeling sick? Should we just go home? We can eat tomorrow.” Yugyeom asked, placing a hand on Bambam’s forehead and making the other flinch. “Maybe we should just go home today…”

Bambam snapped his eyes on him, looking panicked. “No! No, it’s okay. We should go. Now.” then he grabbed his bag hastily and stood up. “Let’s go, Yugyeom?”

Yugyeom frowned at him, but grabbed his bag anyway. “Okay, Bambam…”

Usually, on the way to wherever they were planning to eat, the two of them would be bickering about useless things like homework and the show they watched last night. However, instead of leaning back and talking to Yugyeom, Bambam just sat quietly in the front. Yugyeom was frowning the whole time while Bambam’s Uncle looked at them worriedly.

“We’re here.”

When the car pulled up, Bambam still got out first and opened the door for Yugyeom like a habit. Yugyeom was frowning and Bambam looked confused, they were both quiet on their way to the diner.

Instead of tteokbokki like Bambam suggested, they ended up in a burger restaurant with prices that Yugyeom can only dream of. Bambam, however, sat them and ordered for the both of them--already knowing which burger Yugyeom would love.

“How’d you know I like that?” Yugyeom asked, his face still scrunched up in a frown.

“Because.” Bambam answered simply.

Not satisfied with the answer, Yugyeom asked again, “How would you know I like that? We haven’t really talked about which one I like...”

“Because.” Bambam repeated, drinking his water.

Yugyeom kicked him under the table, causing Bambam to almost throw up his water. Yugyeom didn’t really care. “Tell me!” he demanded.

Bambam sighed and said, “You’re my best friend.”

Yugyeom shut up this time and not because he was happy with the answer. It was just that Bambam said it so sadly, like he was so tired of the title he held. It was the way Bambam was looking everywhere but Yugyeom and his hands fidgeted, something that never happened when they were together.

Suddenly, Yugyeom was afraid. Very, very afraid.

Bambam managed to get out of the dinner unscathed, but the conversation wasn’t even anywhere near boisterous like usual. He, however, had no control over that. It was hard to talk to Yugyeom when all he can think is how he looks nicer than usual or how he would love to lean over and kiss the hell out of him.

_“Time is ticking.”_

Dowoon’s warning rang in his ears, reminding him that they only have a few months together and then College. They might get to share dorms (if Bambam had his way), but classes and studying will be spent with coursemates.

Bambam might lose Yugyeom.

As soon as Yugyeom was dropped off outside his house, Bambam asked his uncle to bring him to Jinyoung’s. It was still 5:30PM so he might not be there yet, but he would wait as long as it means he might get to talk to someone and help him through this.

When Bambam rang the doorbell, he was expecting Jackson to answer it. He didn’t expect to see Jinyoung wearing casual every day clothes to answer. Wasn’t he supposed to be in the office?

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the office?” Bambam had asked, curiousity getting the better of him.

Jinyoung shrugged and let him in, not bothering to answer. “Later. Close the door first, I’m making ramyun. Knowing you, however, I’m sure you already ate something fancy with your boyfriend.”

Bambam had closed the door and was about to follow him when he stopped mid-way, hearing the word _boyfriend_. He didn’t know why, but his heart clenched as if he was aiming for something he’d never get.

(Which was a huge probability, really.)

Jinyoung who heard Bambam stop following, turned to look at his friend. “Bambai?” he called. Seeing the sad look on his face made Jinyoung turn off the boiling water and grab Bambam’s hand, leading him towards the couch. “Come on, talk to me.”

The moment Bambam did, he flopped his head on Jinyoung’s shoulders. “Nyoung!” he wailed, not caring if he sounded like a complete idiot.

“You sound like an idiot, Bambam.” Jinyoung relaxed his shoulders, knowing this would probably take long. “But what’s making you an idiot right now?”

“Dowoonnie… he told me... “ Bambam bit on his lip. In forever, he had never admitted out loud that he has feelings for Yugyeom. It’s not like he needed to because everyone seemed to know anyway, everyone except Yugyeom, of course. “He reminded me that soon… soon Yugyeom and I will be separated.”

“Okay. What of it?” Jinyoung rubbed soothing circles on Bambam’s hand, knowing the boy likes it. It was soft even though Bambam is a dancer as a hobby. A lot of lotion, most likely.

“How can I… how can I tell Yugyeom that I-I lo- _love_ him?” The words were hard to say not because they weren’t true, but because Bambam knew what they entail. It means he’s fallen for his best friend, someone who probably doesn’t see him that wat.

“Do it just like that,” Jinyoung chuckled softly, “Minus the stuttering, of course. You need to be a bit convincing, of course.”

Bambam frowned. “Yugyeom might reject me and then we won’t be friends anymore!”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and was very disappointed that Bambam couldn’t see it, it could probably describe his feelings right now. “Trust me, I know that Yugyeom would never not be friends with you. Or reject you, either.”

Bambam didn’t say anything, snuggling even closer.

“Nyoung, I love Yugyeom…” Bambam tested the words on his lips again, almost tearing up at how perfect it sounded. How natural it rolled off his tongue. He had loved Yugyeom for too long that it feels like it’s a part of who he is now.

Jinyoung patted Bambam’s head, “Good. Now say it again and again, practice it. I’ll just go to cook my ramyun, okay?” Bambam moved his head and let Jinyoung stand up. “Practice it. Say it as loud as you can. This may be your only time to do so.”

The moment Jinyoung was in the kitchen, Bambam started.

“I love you, Kim Yugyeom. I love you, Yugyeom!” Bambam was starting off low, but Jinyoung could hear that he was preparing for something louder. Something with more feelings and truth.

Jinyoung hid in the bathroom and dialled Yugyeom’s number. It didn’t take a minute for the other boy to answer, he was probably reading on his phone.

“Hello, Nyoung?”

“Hello, Yugyeom? Your boyfriend is here.” Jinyoung snickered when he heard the small gurgle on the other line.

“Nyoung!” Not to mention, Yugyeom sounded embarrassed. “He’s not! I don’t think he wants to be…”

Jinyoung smiled, soft this time. “Your boyfriend--” there was that gurgling again, “--has something to say to you, but he can’t say it to your face. I had him practice here. Do you want to hear?”

Yugyeom was silent for a second, “Does he want to stop being my best friend, Nyoung?”

“You’re both idiots, I swear.” Jinyoung sighed and ignored the angry huff that Yugyeom let out on the other line. “I’ll give you a sneak peak. You better listen or else I’ll show him that recording I have of you jerk--”

“Nyoung! I thought we agreed to delete that?!”

“You told me to, I never agreed. Anyway.” Jinyoung went out of the bathroom and was proud that Bambam was still going at it. It would be easy. He hid at the wall separating the living room and the kitchen. He placed the phone on the top of the television table, near enough for them.

“I LOVE YUGYEOM!” Bambam was now in his screaming phase. “I LOVE KIM YUGYEOM AS MORE THAN MY BEST FRIEND!”

“For how long?” Jinyoung quipped beside him.

“FAR TOO LONG! BUT HE NEVER NOTICES!” Bambam was still screaming, his voice probably a bit hoarse now. He was getting teary eyed too. “I LOVED YOU FOR TOO LONG, YUGYEOM! I LOVED YOU EVEN WHEN YOU HAD THOSE TICS AND EVEN WHEN YOU HAD THAT EMO ERA TWO YEARS AGO! I LOVE YOU… KIM YUGYEOM.”

Jinyoung felt proud.

“But he’s never going to hear any of this because he shouldn’t.” Bambam whispered this time, looking at Jinyoung sadly. “No matter how many times I practice, he’s never going to accept, Nyoung.”

“Bambam…” Jinyoung wanted so badly to hug him, but they heard the doorbell ring. He walked towards the door and peaked in the hole. He had to pause a bit, surprised at who it was.

The moment he opened the door, Yugyeom barged in and made his way towards where Bambam was standing on the living room, crying. Bambam looked surprised, confused and scared all of a sudden. Jinyoung almost felt sorry for letting Yugyeom hear it.

Why was Yugyeom here so fast, anyway? Even with a taxi it would take 15 minutes… Unless… Unless Yugyeom was already on the way here in the first place.

“Do you mean it, Bambam? Do you?” Yugyeom demanded, fists clenched by his side. “Even with my tics and my emo era and… just me?”

Bambam nodded, “Yeah, I love you.”

Without any warning, Yugyeom strode to Bambam’s side and…

“I love you, too, Bambam.” Then Yugyeom kissed him.

Jaebum woke up with a startle, he was breathing heavily and was sweating all over. He could feel his knees shaking even when he’s still lying on his bed. His hands were cold, too cold, as well.

“Fuck..” he couldn’t help but swore. Jaebum has dreamt of the past a lot, every night is more like it. But he usually sees flashes, one memory at a time and never all at once. “Fuck.”

Jaebum had stood up, his vision going in circles and his head pounding as if he drank 5 bottles of soju before bedtime. He could feel his heart beating fast while his nerves were heightened.

Dreaming of everything took the energy out of him, reminding him of what kind of person he really was. Im Jaebum is a selfish asshole who was kind to everyone, but his brother. He took everything his brother had, left with him nothing and then took his life because killing the person he loved wasn’t enough.

_“Stop. You’ll regret this someday, Bum. You know you will, so stop.”_ The Mark in his dreams repeated what the real Mark had said, years ago. It was ringing in his ears, as if an alarm that has no stop button.

“I guess this is the that _someday_ , Mark…” Jaebum said, looking at his reflection in the mirror. He looked horrible with the black circle under his eyes even though he slept and the pale condition of his skin.

Even though Jaebum had wanted to dive back to the bed to sleep the day away, he knew it was a bad idea. Sleeping meant going back to his past, reliving everything as if it didn’t happen years ago. It was Jaebum’s worst nightmare--his nightmare everyday.

So in a few minutes, he had taken a shower and gotten dressed. He apploed light BB cream on his face and thicker under his eyes, Jae would question him if he looked pale. That is, if Jae was even going to talk to him today.

Breakfast was cup noodles and glass of orange juice since their coffee in the office was better than anything he would be able to make at home. In fact, he could get Jinyoung to make him one. The boy had done a great job on making his coffee last time, he had mastered it through the course of one month.

_Jinyoung_.

“Let it go, Jaebum.” he hissed to himself, finishing his measly breakfast so he could brush his teeth and drive to work.

If waking up all sweaty and cold wasn’t enough of a punishment, Jaebum arrived in his office with a memo from their CEO. The CEO was asking to talk immediately so Jaebum put down everything and went to the office.

“You called for me, sir?” Jaebum knocked on the door. He opened it a second later, entering with a bow.

“Ah, Jaebum, take a sit.” It meant this conversation was either going to be long or tiring. So Jaebum took a sit. “I received a… complaint. Yesterday.”

“Yesterday, sir?” Jaebum had stiffened the moment he realized what yesterday meant. “Y-Yes, what about it, sir?”

The CEO handed him a 3 page report written and signed by none other than Jae Park and Kang Yeonghyun. It was detailed regarding Jaebum’s treatment of Jinyoung from the first day until yesterday. They had included the names of the other staff as well, noting down what they had said. Judging by the bulky envelope beside the CEO’s hands, the two had sent him photos of the messages yesterday.

Jaebum was fucked, to put it mildly.

“I think I’m owed an explanation, Jaebum, regarding your treatment of Mr. Park Jinyoung,” the CEO looked at him sharply, obviously ready to read him. “Then maybe I wouldn’t fire you all because of our law regarding equal treatment of employees with mental illness that’s been in our company policy since it had started.”

Yes, he really and truly was fucked.

The CEO eyes him. “Is it because of his mental illness, Jaebum?” the tone on his voice told him that if it is, Jaebum had no way out.

But the thing is, Jaebum knew he couldn’t explain himself without making things worse for him. He couldn’t just tell the CEO that he was hung up on his past and that Jinyoung was part of it. He couldn’t tell him that Jinyoung reminds him of his own brother that he had killed, not with his own hands, but with his choices.

“I’m really sorry, sir.” Jaebum stood up and bowed exactly 90 degrees, give or take a few. “I’m really really sorry about treating Mr. Park Jinyoung less than he should. I will apologize to him right now--”

“He resigned.” The CEO interrupted, pushing forward another piece of paper. It was a printed version of an email from Jinyoung. It says there that he was extremely grateful for the chance he was given, but he doesn’t think he would work out as a part of the team.

Jaebum didn’t know what to do. The letter was there, written by Jinyoung, that he resigned because he won’t fit in with the team. The boy was just putting it nicely, probably didn’t have the heart to say that his boss was bullying him and so were his other co-workers. What was he supposed to say during times like this?

The CEO had probably gone tired of his staring and spoke, “You will talk to your team and explain to them what happened. Explain to them, also, that clause we just spoke about and remind them it could cost them their work. I won’t have any trouble replacing all of them. Then, you will apologize, in person to Mr. Kim tomorrow.”

Jaebum’s eyes went wide. This seemed to please his boss.

“If he accepts, you and your team will come unscathed. If he doesn’t, then I’ll let Mr. Kang and M. Park file this report formally to our HR Department where you’ll all be going on trial with us.” Which basically translates to: _I will fire you all, the trial is just for formality._

“I will go down and explain to them immediately, sir.” Jaebum bowed again.

“Good. Our PR firm has prided ourselves in being equal to everyone and only delivering the best to our clients. If a scandal regarding Mr. Park comes out…” It was a threat. He knew that the scandal on a PR firm is worse than anyone could imagine. How would any client want their PR to be handled by a team who can’t even handle their own scandals?

Jaebum bowed again. “I will, sir. I will do my best.”

“Good. Dismissed.” Jaebum was already on his way out when their CEO added, “It would be a waste to lose you, Jaebum. But I will do what I have to do.”

The fear in Jaebum was overflowing.

Jae and Yeonghyun were present when Jaebum talked to his team. They even had the audacity to sit right smack in front, eyeing and challenging their boss. He knew this was exactly what they wanted to happen--push Jaebum off his comfort zone.

He hated them.

(Which isn’t exactly something new.)

He had explained to the best that he could, what they (especially him) had done and the consequences of it. He apologized to them, bowing 90 degrees for the second time that day, and told them of the decision their CEO had handed. There were protests and exclamations of anger.

Jaebum knew he was fucked.

If Jinyoung comes back, _if_ , he probably would file a case this time. Especially if the other members of their department reacts like this in front of him. Jaebum doesn’t even want to imagine the pain that this would cause on--he paused. _Had he really just felt something for Jinyoung besides anger?_

He stopped thinking, shaking his head and putting all his attention on the problem at hand. Analyzing his feelings weren’t going to help him right now.

When the meeting adjourned, they were all grumpy. Jae and Yeonghyun were the only ones pleased with what they had done. No one, of course, could call them on it because they knew things would get worse. They weren’t _that_ stupid after all.

“Happy?” Jaebum had demanded the moment that Jae and Yeonghyun were the only ones left in the meeting room. “Happy now?”

Yeonghyun snorted. Jae rolled his eyes. They both got up and left.

Jaebum felt his knees go weak. It was the first time that any of his friends got mad at him enough to walk out without saying anything. He had always been loved and idolized that Jae and Yeonghyun’s obvious anger at him was something… scary.

That night, Jaebum couldn’t sleep. He could feel his eyes stinging with drowsiness, but his mind was too active for it to succumb to it’s desires. He could feel his whole body get cold despite having turned on the heater an hour ago. He could feel his heart thumping at the prospect of seeing Jinyoung again and needing to be civil.

“Jinyoung…” he let the name come out of his lips and was reminded of how good it felt on his tongue. He had always loved Jinyoung’s name, liked calling him that, too.

Jaebum was never a good person. He was a good son, a good student, a good friend, a good classmate and a good student council president. He was, however, never a good brother or a good person. But for two months, he saw himself change as he treated Jinyoung with care. Then that Jaebum disappeared and the old one came crawling back.

“I’m sorry, Jinyoung…” Jaebum knew that this heartfelt sorry right now, was as sincere as he would ever get. Because at this moment, he wasn’t apologizing for being a useless boss, but for leaving Jinyoung without a word. It was an apology for breaking his promise and never coming back. “I’m so sorry…”

Jaebum wonders how is it that Jinyoung was able to bring out the best version and the worst version of him. It was as if Jinyoung was important enough for him to affect Jaebum’s life like this.

He wasn’t, right?

The answer never came as he was able to go to sleep, mind going numb at the worry of what tomorrow might bring.

Jaebum woke up, his mind blank. For the first time in years, he hadn’t dreamt of Youngjae and Mark and how he killed them both. Instead, he had dreamed of kitten cookies and choco and how one boy had loved to eat them together.

Jaebum had dreamt of Jinyoung.

The ride to Jinyoung’s house wasn’t long. He knew he needed to get it done in the morning or else Jinyoung might’ve left in the afternoon. There was an empty parking lot in his view, so he parked and got out of the car immediately.

Stalling, Jaebum knew, is worse than doing the actual thing.

The elevator ride to Jinyoung’s floor didn’t take long, there weren’t a lot of people out yet and most of them were going down. When he got off the floor and turned left, the apartment number was exactly there and the doorbell was calling for him.

“You can do this, Jaebum! You can!” Jaebum whispered to himself, mentally giving the air a fist bump. Then he rang the doorbell and waited.

No answer.

Jaebum rang it again and knocked. “Mr. Park Jinyoung?” He knocked again, louder this time. Was Jinyoung still asleep? “Mr. Park Jin--”

“Huh?” A sleepy figure came out of the door, eyes still closed. “Mhwho you?”

Jaebum blinked. It wasn’t Jinyoung and that certainly wasn’t a word. “Good morning. I am Mr. Im Jaebum, Jinyoung’s boss. Well, former, considering that he resigned yesterday--” Sleepy figure’s eyes grew wide, as if he didn’t know. He probably didn’t. Shit. “I was wondering if I could talk to him? Right now?”

“Jinyoung did what?!” The man’s voice was louder and he looked alert, surprised, even.

“He, uh, resigned? Can I talk to him?” Jaebum prodded, not wanting to explain to this, whoever he is, what had happened.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Is that why he--shit!” The man was panicking and Jaebum felt himself start to do so, too. He could feel the blood in his veins starting to go cold. “Jinyoung’s in the hospital. He was--he--”

This time, it was Jaebum who started panicking. He felt his eyes go wide as something, a thought, hit him. It couldn’t possibly be… Jinyoung didn’t really… He couldn’t have, could he?

“--there was blood, blood everywhere and--” the man’s voice was shaky, still saying nonsense. Jaebum couldn’t comprehend everything, but he understood one thing.

_Jinyoung couldn’t have possibly tried to kill himself, right?_

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> due to ~stuff~ i'm a little late(?) in uploading this chapter. i'm adding a 6th chapter but it's really just a short epilogue so this chapter can be considered the ending
> 
> thank you to my lovely beta!!!

"I told you to be careful numerous of times, Nyoung!" Bambam was screaming, but the nurses were luckily used to him and didn't mind him at all. He stomped his feet again. "Look what happened!"

Jinyoung, who was lying on the bed and letting the nurses fuss over him, bandaging him up, looked at Yugyeom to silently ask for him to shut his boyfriend up. Then Jinyoung smiled, suddenly remembering that Yugyeom and Bambam were finally together and through his help. So he just jerked his head to Bambam's direction as soon as he caught Yugyeom's eyes. The boy rolled his own, but went to his boyfriend's side and then dragged him out of the room.

"B-But! I need to stay--Yugyeom!" Bambam may be the martial artist between the two, but Yugyeom always has had a strong grip and even stronger thighs. He was able to drag Bambam out in no minute, although didn't look like he minded that Yugyeom was pressed up against him.

"We'll see you later when they're done with you, Nyoung." Yugyeom told him, smiling as he closed the door behind them.

Jinyoung sighed, finally alone in peace.

"Your friends look like they're finally dating." One of the nurses said, looking curiously at him. She was one of those who tended to them back when they were kids whenever they had bruises.

"That's because they are, nuna!" Jinyoung said too excitedly that he felt the bruise throb in pain.

She tsk-ed at him, "Don't exert yourself too much. It's just a minor bruise, but it's deep enough for you to feel it for the next few weeks. How did you end up almost chopping off your pointy finger anyway?" The look she had wasn't disbelief, she had probably known that Jinyoung was capable of doing it.

Jinyoung laughed, feeling the pain throbbing on his finger even though it's bandaged up. "I was cooking spaghetti. The noodles were boiling and then I realized I had to cut the onion so I immediately hurried up and started chopping. The two, of course, were loud as they watched Mean Girls in the living room. I, well, I was distracted?"

True, Jinyoung was distracted from chopping onions at that time. He could hear Bambam and Yugyeom reciting lines from the living room while giggling. Then, out of nowhere, he realized that it means he was going to be alone just like this time. Since the two are dating, he'd be the odd one out no matter how hard they try not to do so. If Bambam could dote on him before and Yugyeom could prioritize him before, this time they wouldn't be able to do it because doting and prioritizing are reserved for boyfriends. Jinyoung knew it was a matter of time before he was alone again.

His nurse seemed to have read his thoughts because the smile on her face turned to a frown. "Do you want me to tell them to go home? You have to stay the night and then meet with a psychiatrist tomorrow, Jinyoung." she reminded him.

He knew, of course, that he has to. Every patients who has mental illnesses has to meet with psychiatrists every time they had to go to the hospital, accident or not. He could already hear himself telling the doctor about the thoughts flitting in his mind regarding his best friends and regarding his lost job. Maybe they could take him back in again? He could get his room back…

"Sure, let them go home. They need the rest." He heard himself say even before he could thought it out. But he was right, he knew he should let them rest or talk. They've only just gotten together and now they're in the hospital which is probably making Yugyeom antsy.

She nodded. "Get some rest, okay?" Then she left the room, presumably to tell the two. Jinyoung knew she would be firm and won't let them come back in, no matter how much they protest.

Jinyoung closed his eyes, letting the throbbing on his left hand lull him to sleep.

Jinyoung woke up to screaming outside his room. They were probably just right by his door, if he could heard them seeing as the walls of the hospital were thick enough to block noises.

"You can't come in yet, sir! Visiting hours doesn't start until 9am!" His nurse was screaming. It couldn't possibly be Bambam or Yugyeom, since they have classes. Plus, if it was them, she would've let them in anyway seeing as she knew who they were. So, who…?

"I don't care! I need to see him!"

Jinyoung suddenly sat up when he heard the voice. He knows that voice, it was something he was very familiar with--a voice he hears back when he was a kid as an angel and the demon now that he's older.

"No, sir, you can't--" Her voice was cut off and the door opened, revealing someone Jinyoung thought and wished he would never see again, but loathe as he is to admit it, hoped to see again.

"J-Jinyoung…?" Jaebum called, he was standing by the doorway. He has on his usual suit, something that Jinyoung is familiar with, but the expression on his face was something he hasn't in years. Ten years, to be exact. "Are you.. Are you okay?"

Jinyoung blinked at him, still a bit stunned. "You called me Jinyoung."

Jaebum smiled weakly. "I did, it's your name."

"You haven't called me Jinyoung in--"

"Ten years?" Jaebum finished as he dropped his briefcase on the couch and walked towards the bed. He didn't sit by Jinyoung's feet, but he stood at the end.

Jinyoung froze at where he sat, eyes growing wider at the implication of Jaebum's words. He knew, Jaebum knew and remembered him. All this time, all the times that Jaebum had treated him like shit and ignored him, the older boy knew who he was and what their past was. All this time that Jinyoung had tried to impress the older boy, they were useless. Jaebum knew who he was.

_ PARK JINYOUNG  IS AN IDIOTIC AND STUPID INTERN THAT ONLY GOT IN BECAUSE OF HIS MENTAL SHIT. _

All this time, Jaebum had known what Jinyoung went through and yet, he said those words.

_ HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HERE. HE'S STUPID. HE'S SHIT. HE'S A FUCKING KID TRYING TO PLAY ADULT. _

All this time Jaebum remembers the pain that Jinyoung went through and he still saw him as a kid.

_ HE DOESN'T BELONG IN  _ OUR _ WORLD. HE DOESN'T BELONG IN  _ MY _ WORLD. _

All this time Jaebum knew Jinyoung's insecurities, but he still didn't understand him.

_ I WON'T  _ EVER _ LIKE HIM, OKAY KANG YEONGHYUN? NOW GET  _ OUT _. _

All this time Jaebum knew who he was and remembers all their time together, and Jinyoung was still a thorn in his side.

Maybe that was all Jinyoung will ever be.

"J-Jinyoung?" Jaebum called again and it snapped Jinyoung out of the pain threatening to swallow himself. He saw Jaebum's eyes on him, frowning as if he was worried about him. He couldn't be, though. Right?

Jinyoung whimpered when Jaebum tried to move towards him and it stopped the man on his tracks, looking at him sadly. He went back to where he stood by the end of the bed so Jinyoung pulled his feet to his chest, wrapping his arms around it.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Jaebum asked again, his voice low and it reminded him of the Jaebum who cared for him and visited him every day. "J-Jinyoung?"

Jinyoung whimpered again, tears now stinging in his eye. He couldn't take it. He couldn't take seeing the Jaebum who had hurt him and made him question everything he had ever worked for while hearing the Jaebum who had saved himself and cared for him. He curled even more to himself as if this would protect him from everything.

Jaebum looked at him sadly and Jinyoung won't be able to deny because the man's eyes were red and his lips were quivering even with the smile. "I'm sorry, Jinyoung. I don't know what else to say, but… I'm sorry…" the man whispered, but loud enough for him to hear. "I'm sorry…"

"Why are you here, sir Im?" Jinyoung pulled all his strength to say those words, but it was worth it with the way he saw Jaebum flinch. "Sir?"

Jaebum bowed his head, "You used to call me  _ hyung _ , Jinyoung."

"Ten years ago, sir." Jinyoung answered because it was the truth. Just because Jaebum was here in the hospital, back to where they started, doesn’t mean that everything was back to how it was. Jaebum was his boss and Jinyoung was just a teenager pretending to be an adult. Things had changed so much for them to ever just unchanged themselves.

"I suppose I deserve that." Jaebum agreed then walked over to the couch and sat there.

Jinyoung had to shake his head because the scene looked so familiar with him on the bed and Jaebum by the couch. He couldn't let himself be fooled to see things like they were years ago because they weren't. Even if Jaebum was by the couch, it didn't mean Jinyoung could smile and talk and call him  _ hyung _ .

"I bought… I bought kitty cookies on the way here…" Jaebum suddenly spoke, taking a bag from his bag and putting it on the table. "I remember you loving them and I saw you eating them… the other day."

Jinyoung looked at the kitty cookies and then at Jaebum. "Why are you really here, sir?" he asked.

"Because you're here," Jaebum answered simply.

"That's not a reason, sir." Especially if you're the answering them, Jinyoung thought but decided not to say out loud. There's nothing he would gain from adding it. "Why are you suddenly here and calling me  _ Jinyoung  _ and being nice and bringing me kitty cookies and--" he paused.

Jaebum caught on, "And?"

"And being the Jaebum,  _ my  _ Jaebum that took care of me and gave me Hogwarts scarves." Jinyoung finished, "Why? Why now?"

He thought Jaebum would think, maybe gather his thoughts before answering, but he didn't. Instead, he smiled and answered him. This time, it was the answer that Jinyoung was waiting for.

"You quit." He started, "Your quit and our boss didn't like the way I treated you, he told me to personally see you and apologize. He wanted you to work for our company, you see. He was the one who personally chose you from our applicants. I didn't have any choice so after fixing everything at the office, I went to your house this morning."

Jinyoung ached, hearing this. Did Jaebum come here because he just needed to apologize?

"Someone answered, you know? I think he looks familiar, but I don't know his name since he never introduced himself--"

"Jackson. It's Jackson, he's a nurse here, too." Jinyoung interrupted. It was nothing new that Jackson had forgotten to introduce himself, it was just how his nurse is. He would've come here to watch over Jinyoung, but he came from a double shift and hadn't slept for more than 24 hours and has another shift this afternoon. Jinyoung had insisted he stayed behind.

"Okay, Jackson. He answered and I accidentally spilled that you resigned from our company. Then he started blabbering about you and blood and lots of blood--" Jaebum looked sheepishly at the bandaged finger Jinyoung has, "I panicked and thought of the worst, because that's… it's from experience. I drove here as fast as I could. All I could think about was that you can't. You couldn't have. Not you, too. After probably breaking a hundred of traffic laws, here I am."

"What did you think happened to me…?" Jinyoung asked, not really understanding.

"I thought you…" Jaebum gulped and choked out, "I thought you tried killing yourself."

Jinyoung watched how Jaebum's voice turned low and the pain visible in his face. He could see the slump on his shoulder and the shaking of his body as he said those words. He could feel the guilt floating in air. Right that moment, he knew that someone Jaebum cared for had died because of killing himself. How else would Jaebum suddenly think of the worst?

Not knowing why, Jinyoung slipped off the bed walked over to where Jaebum was sitting. He sat on the couch, kneeling beside Jaebum and hugged the older boy's head, clutching it on his chest as he patted the head. It didn't take long for Jaebum to start crying, sobbing and shaking all over.

"Shhh… it's okay," Jinyoung whispered, running his fingers through the man's hair. "It's okay, hyung. I will never do that… it's okay."

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Jaebum's face buried on Jinyoung's chest as he cried while Jinyoung hummed softly under his breath. It felt familiar and safe, but not really because Jinyoung was the one who used to cry and Jaebum had still left him years ago.

When Jaebum's tears had subsided, he looked up at Jinyoung with his wet eyelashes and whispered in awe, "You… you called me  _ hyung _ ."

"Then we threw out this huge water balloons that aren't really just water, they were water with salt on anyone who went out that forbidden exit!" Jinyoung laughed as he told the story, complete with hands. "Everybody stopped using that and finally realized it was a forbidden one with the  _ No Exit  _ sign finally being of use!"

Jaebum laughed and almost spitting some of the choco drink they had. "You didn't get scolded for it? Nobody caught you?" he asked.

"Well, the hospital Director knew it was us, you know? I mean, we were carrying balloons! But she was more thankful about us stopping everyone from using that exit rather than us inconveniencing guests," Jinyoung answered with a wink. "Everyone here loves us. I grew up here and those were always here."

"But you live with… Jackson?" Jinyoung nodded, "You live with Jackson now, right?"

"Yeah, he offered me a room when I turned 23 because I had to study for College exams. If I stayed here, I would always be out with Bambam and Gyeommie rather than studying, you know?" he smiled, "So I took it and passed College Exams with flying colors. Ever since I stayed there, but I still come here every time for check-ups and just visiting everyone."

Jaebum looked at him fondly, mouth sipping on the choco drink while listening to him. If Jinyoung replaced the suit with his past High School uniform and maybe made his hair longer, he could almost pretend they were back to how they were ten years ago. It was almost as if things hadn't changed, if only Jinyoung didn't know that things had changed.

"How about you, hyung?" Jinyoung asked, turning to him. The moment he said it, he saw the way Jaebum had tensed and looked as if he was debating on what to say.

Luckily or unluckily, depending on who will say, Bambam and Yugyeom appeared from the front and ran to them. Jinyoung saw them look at Jaebum warily, he had never told them who he was and what he was to him. They would've been able to guess if he told them, it was more than he wanted them to know.

"How's your finger?" Bambam immediately asked without any greetings, looking at Jinyoung.

Jinyoung raised his left hand with difficulty since the bandage is heavy and it's making his arm feel numb. Jaebum, who saw him having a hard time, immediately put down his drink and helped Jinyoung raise his arm. Bambam and Yugyeom looked at his hyung with puzzlement.

"It's heavy, but otherwise fine. It still stings? Sometimes?" Jinyoung answered Bambam with a smile. "No need for you two to come here. You have homework, I'm sure. Or did you bribe Dowoon to do it for you?"

Yugyeom snorted. "As if Woonie would ever agree to do something for us, you know you're the only one he would do that for. And no, Dowoon's coming here too, later after his band practice. They have the showcase to prepare for."

Jinyoung nodded, letting Jaebum help him put his arm down. "He doesn't need to, though. I'm fine. He must be tired from practice and he needs to study harder even if he got an early acceptance for University." he directed a smile at Jaebum.

Yugyeom rolled his eyes. "One night won't hurt, Nyoung. Plus, we all know Woonie likes you the best out of us. You're the only one who understands his obsession after all." Jinyoung didn't miss the look Yugyeom sent Jaebum when the older handed him a kitty cookie.

"So," Bambam was looking straight at the way Jinyoung and Jaebum were sitting close together. "Who is he?"

Jinyoung groaned. "Can you not be impolite, Bambam?" he just said. Honestly, one of the reasons he didn't immediately introduce Jaebum was because he doesn't know how. Was he going to say Jaebum was someone that took care of him years ago? Or was he going to introduce him as his ex-boss? He didn't know.

Jaebum seemed to have read his thoughts when he gave him a sheepish smile. He had almost forgotten how in tune the older was about his feelings even after ten years. The older immediately stood up and bowed at the two who bowed at him, as well.

"Good day, you must be Bambam and Yugyeom. I'm Im Jaebum," he looked at Jinyoung and smiled. "I'm Jinyoung's friend that he hadn't seen in years."

Jinyoung beamed at him. Well, that was certainly a much simpler explanation. He knew that Bambam and Yugyeom won't take that explanation, but they weren't stupid and would likely wait until Jaebum was gone until they would question him.

"Nice to meet you, too." Bambam cocked his eyebrow at Jaebum. "I don't think we've heard of you, though."

"Well… I doubt Jinyoung would," Jaebum nodded. "I'm here to make up for the lost time, though and hope that Jinyoung would take me back in his life."

Bambam seemed pleased with this while Yugyeom looked warily at him. Jinyoung knew he needed to distract them unless everything would be revealed. He wasn't quite sure he wanted them to know, not until he was sure himself, on what Jaebum really is to him now. So he thought of something he hoped they would agree to.

"How about shake, guys?" Jinyoung suggested and by the look of Yugyeom's excitement and Bambam's rolling eyes, the two were good. It was Jaebum's reaction he wasn't sure of. The man had grown older while Jinyoung was stuck being a teenager.

He didn't need to worry because Jaebum smiled, "My treat!"

Shake and lots of laughter later, Jinyoung was feeling happy for the first time in a long while. He had seen Bambam and Jaebum discuss things regarding education and communication while Yugyeom talked to him about working in the media. Jinyoung knew that they would all get along well, almost too well. He was afraid of what would happen if Jaebum disappeared again.

"Guys!" They were all distracted when Dowoon arrived. He was carrying a box of strawberry choco pie, something that Jinyoung loved. "I hope you feel better, Nyoung hyung. I bought these for you and don’t share it with Bambam and Gyeommie!"

Jaebum introduced himself again and Dowoon shook his hand, having the most sense out of all of them. He placed his bag on the seat beside Jinyoung before going to the counter to order.

"Dowoon is Yugyeom's cousin, younger, but the smartest out of all of us. He's just 15 and yet he's about to graduate College and has an early acceptance at KAIST," Jinyoung explained quickly. "He's a nice kid."

"Nice," Yugyeom scoffed. "If Woonie didn't like studying better, he would've beaten the three of us with the number of pranks he could pull off without being caught."

Dowoon had arrived then, with choco flavor and a lot of pearls. "Good thing I like studying better, huh Gyeommie? Or else I would've taken the crown from the three of you." he winked then turned to Jaebum, "Did you know that it was lucky Nyoung hyung was moved up a lot of times and was years above us? They would've gotten a lot of detention if they were all in one class."

"Really? I didn't know Jinyoung was such a trouble maker," Jaebum laughed then patted Jinyoung's head, making the latter blush. "Although, you have messed up a lot back then… guests always did complain."

"Hyung!" Jinyoung complained. All four of them laughed.

Soon, Jackson dropped by with a bag of clothes for Jinyoung. He gave a bow at Jaebum before patting the head of Bambam, Yugyeom, Dowoon and Jinyoung. He was going to be late so he hurried to get back to his shift and promised to drop by Jinyoung's room during dinner break later.

It didn't take very long before Bambam, Yugyeom and Dowoon had to go because they still have classes tomorrow. Bambam's Uncle had come up to collect them and also handing Jinyoung a box of candies and sweets from Bambam's parents. There were quick good byes and promises of coming over again before they were all gone, leaving Jinyoung with Jaebum again.

"Do you need to go home too, hyung?" Jinyoung asked as he looked at the time. It was well past 7:30pm and he knew the other had work tomorrow, already having skipped today. "You should get some rest, too."

Jaebum looked at him. "Why do they call you Nyoung?" he asked instead of answering.

"Nyoung is easier to say, you see." Jaebum nodded as if saying that he noticed. "Bambam calls Yugyeom as Gyeommie because he has a hard time pronouncing it. He wanted a nickname for me, too so he called me Nyoung because he says I'm someone they anticipate on seeing during their hospital visits."

Jaebum arched an eyebrow. "Bambam is… poetic."

Jinyoung laughed. "Yeah, he is. He is even more so, now. You should see the poems he wrote for Yugyeom before they got together! I should show Gyeommie that…" he smiled. "The name stuck and now they all call me Nyoung or Nyoungie even."

The older man nodded. "You all seem good friends."

"Bambam and Yugyeom are my best friends while Dowoon is like a baby brother. I would've wanted one, if my parents were alive…" he let the statement roll of his tongue.

"They told you what had happened, then?" Jaebum asked. The last time, he knew the doctors didn't know if telling Jinyoung the truth about his parents would help. It seemed like they finally did, probably finding out that Jinyoung thought they hated him and left him.

"They did, when I turned 10 or 20, however you want to count my age."

"Jinyoung, it doesn't matter how old you really are. You're still my Jinyoung."

"Hyung… will you tell me one day? About what happened?" he asked, knowing he was probably pushing some boundaries. But he couldn't stay like this forever, not knowing anything and letting others control his life.

"I will, one day, probably sooner if I want to earn your trust again," Jaebum answered. "I just want you to know that the Jaebum you met ten years ago was just… he was your Jaebum. The Jaebum I really am, the Jaebum I had always and will always be, is the Jaebum you met a month ago. I'm not nice or good, Jinyoung. It was just you who brought that Jaebum."

"Is that why you came, hyung? When you thought I tried to… you know?" Jinyoung asked, letting his feet touch Jaebum's under the table. He didn't know if it was comforting or irritating, but he wanted to tell his hyung that he wasn't alone.

"I think I was reminded that you were the only person in the whole world that I ever really cared about honestly. You were the only one I cared for not because I was guilty, but because I really wanted to." Jaebum told him honestly, not moving his feet from where it touched Jinyoung's. "I don't want to lose you, too and to do that, I had to admit that I cared."

"Do you, hyung? Do you care?" Jinyoung moved closer to the table, their knees now touching. "Do you care about me?"

Jaebum's answer made his heart beat and not in pain, this time. "You were the only one I ever cared about, Jinyoung."

 

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Jaebum patted his head, smoothing his hair. "You have a check-up with the psychiatrists at 9am, right? I'll be here before. What do you want for breakfast?"

"Don't you have work, hyung?" Jinyoung was already on his bed, blanket tucked in and eyes drowsy.

"I can skip tomorrow again. You're getting released in the afternoon, anyway. I can go back to work the next day." Jinyoung assured him, "So? Breakfast?"

"Pancake with lots of honey syrup and coffee. Just like the way you like it, hyung." Jinyoung answered him, smiling lazily. "I make my coffee the way you like it too, hyung. It tastes heavenly."

Jaebum laughed, "Okay. I'll be here at 8am tomorrow. Hopefully no nurse will stop me this time."

"Don't scare them, hyung."

"Goodnight, Jinyoung."

For the first time in forever, Jaebum slept that night the moment he laid his head on the pillow. He was tired and the beating of his heart was as fast as he could ever remember it. He didn't need anything else, but the image of Jinyoung's smile to bring him to sleep.

It was Jinyoung's smile he dreamt of, too.

Jinyoung was woken up with homemade pancakes, a newly bought bottle of honey syrup and a cup of coffee from Starbucks. He eyed the cup warily since he hasn't tried anything other than the coffee from their office. Although, Jaebum probably wouldn't have been able to get some from his office.

"It's the kind of coffee I like and since you liked the one from office, I thought you might like this one too." Jaebum told him without hearing the question. He handed him the cup and waited for him to taste it, so Jinyoung did. "So? How is it?"

Surprisingly, Jinyoung did. It was close to the one from their office, but more bitter. "It's good, I didn't know we have the same taste in coffee…" he remarked, taking another sip.

"Yeah and in food like that kitty cookies you have beside your bed," Jaebum said, raising an eyebrow at the leftover plastic of cookies Jinyoung munched on when he woke up at 4am.

"Jackson bought me them," he shrugged without remorse. "I ate them this morning before I slept again. Did you want some? I could buy you when I get out later…" Or tomorrow, he would've added except he didn't know if Jaebum wanted to see him tomorrow after this.

"Sure, you could start repaying those homemade pancakes since I woke up really early to cook them for you," he winked at him even while handing Jinyoung the plate and the opened honey syrup. "Go on, eat up. You have to take a shower before your check-up."

The pancakes tastes amazing, but saying it would give Jaebum more reason to have him pay for it in kitty cookies. Jinyoung wasn't willing to give up a lot of chances to eat his favorite cookies so he just hummed to let Jaebum know he liked them.

 

"Everyone here must've already seen me at my worst, me going to see them without taking a shower would be the least of them," he told him and saw the flash of uncertainty in Jaebum's eyes. "Hyung? Is everything okay?” 

"It's just…" Jaebum smiled sadly, "I missed a lot about you, you know? You have all these kind of experiences and stories and I could've been here to experience them with you, but I wasn't. Now I have ten years of memory to catch up, too."

Jinyoung placed the plate down and watched him. "Hyung, would you be willing to stay long enough to hear all the ten years?" he knew Jaebum would get his question. He knew his hyung would understand he didn't just mean today or tomorrow, he was asking for something longer than that. He just wished his hyung would want the same.

"Even if it took you forever, Jinyoung, I'll stay to listen." Jaebum answered, the words  _ this time  _ unspoken.

Jinyoung beamed at him and the smile was ingrained in his eyes, so bright as if he could see the sun rising through his eyes.  

When Jinyoung had finished showering and gotten dressed, he bid his hyung goodbye and asked him to wait until his check-up was finished. Then he just need to clear some papers and they could both leave for lunch.

"You won't be leaving yet? I thought the nurses said you'd be discharged by lunch?" Jaebum asked, sitting on the couch and trying hard not to look at Jinyoung was buttoning the long sleeves that Jackson had brought for him.

"Bam and Yugyeom said they'll pick me up after class at around 4pm, so I agreed." Jinyoung answered just as he finished fixing his collar to look at Jaebum. "How do I look?"

Jaebum would've choked if he was drinking something, luckily he wasn't. Jinyoung looked fantastic with the light blue color and the skinny jeans he had on. He knew that Jinyoung wasn't the 7 year old anymore and is 17 now, but he wasn't expecting for Jinyoung to look attractive.

"Yeah, you look fine. Go on before you're late." Jaebum managed to say, turning his head down to look at the shoes he has on. It were just normal office attire minus the jacket, which he guess was too formal for the hospital. He feels like he looks like an old man now, still wearing slacks. 

"See you later, hyung!" Jinyoung called and he heard the door close, leaving only silence inside.

Jaebum looked up and was able to finally breathe, his heart thundering now. Yesterday he thought it was just because he felt like he almost lost Jinyoung and finally gotten him back, but why is it still beating so hard right now?

"Fuck my life…" he cursed, trying to erase the image Jinyoung had earlier. He used to see the boy, ten years older now, as someone who lived instead of his brother and it made him look at Jinyoung with anger. Yesterday, when he admitted that Jinyoung was the only one he ever honestly cared for, the anger disappeared and was replaced with thundering heart and bright smile.

Jaebum hasn't felt like this in a long time, not since he met Jinyoung back then.

Jinyoung had come back a full three hours since he left at 9am saying they had a long consultation and discussion with his psychiatrists about what had happened and what he was feeling. He reassured Jaebum that he wasn't feeling any suicidal tendencies, at least not something he consciously thought of.

This made Jaebum frown. "Unconsciously, then?" The pause in Jinyoung made his blood run cold.

"She said that… maybe, unconsciously, because of the changes and problems I encountered at my life, I may have thought… of it…? But she was hopeful that it was only because I was feeling alone." Jinyoung suddenly stopped abruptly, as if he didn't mean to say the last part aloud.

"Alone." Jaebum was still frowning and now looking worried. "You feel alone, Jinyoung?"

"I… maybe? Let's not talk about it, hyung." Jinyoung looked away. He hadn't meant to say it, not now and not ever. He hadn't meant to tell anyone because who is he to look for someone? So what if Junhyeok was busy with work? So what if Jackson was busy with his promotion to Head Nurse? So what if Dowoon is busy with band and school work? So what if Bambam and Yugyeom started dating? He still had them, it's just that he's not priority anymore.

"Tell me. Why are you feeling alone?" Jaebum sat closer to him, "Why?"

"Hyung, it's not important. I'm not really alone anyway. That's just…" Jinyoung didn't know how to explain without feeling low. Without reminding himself of things he didn't want to feel. "Drop it, please."

Jaebum didn't look like he wanted to drop it, but the look in his face told him he probably would. At least, for now. "You're not alone, Jinyoung. Not now, at least. I'm not going anywhere… I already did that once, I won't do it again," he was struggling with words, but his face was sincere. "If ever… if ever you need to tell me… when you're ready. I will listen."

Jinyoung didn't let go of the chance, "When you're ready to tell me about what happened with you ten years ago, I'll tell you about mine. Fair trade, hyung?" he asked. "Promise?"

Chuckling lightly, Jaebum answered, "Promise." Then he added, "Should've known you would take that chance and use it against me!"

Jinyoung looked at him. "Maybe this time, hyung, we'll be equals. I'll know about you the same time you find out things about me." He told him.

Jaebum just smiled because he couldn't say anything that wouldn't make him want to cry. Jinyoung was right, he knew a lot about him but Jinyoung hadn't known anything about Jaebum. It was probably one of the reasons why the younger boy never looked for him when he had disappeared years ago. Did Jinyoung even know that Junhyeok was Jaebum's cousin?

 

Bambam and Yugyeom did arrive at 4pm with flowers and Jinyoung's favorite cake. They looked knowingly at Jaebum's hand on Jinyoung's left arm, as if they knew everything about what it meant and what it entails. It made the man nervous and almost dropped it, except he knew Jinyoung would start hurting again.

"Ready for a party?" Bambam excitedly asked.

"You have a quiz tomorrow for Science, Woonie told me." Jinyoung announced, making the two look sad and betrayed. "What? Don't think I wouldn't ask him? I know the two of you would probably just cram in the last minute."

"Yugyeomnie's the smartest anyway! After Dowoon, of course." Bambam retorted, "And I can pass anyway, without studying."

Jinyoung looked at them sadly, "Guys, I need you… I want you to study well and do well in class, not take care of me."

"We want to!" It was Yugyeom who interrupted him. Glaring at him. "We want to! You always took care of us and we should, too. That's what friends are for!"

"I know," Jinyoung smiled. Jaebum could feel him shaking so he held him tighter, letting the boy shift his weight to him. "But the two of you already skipped home works yesterday and the other day, because of me. You should go home and study, not spend it in the hospital. You're still… you're young and dating, go on a date or something."

"I don't care. I may love Yugyeom--" Bambam said and Yugyeom blushed, "But you're just as important to us, Nyoung."

"We don't care about age, hyung. You're young, too and you should spend it with friends," Yugyeom added, staring at Jaebum when he said friends. 

Jinyoung didn't notice, though, and stubbornly fought for his decision. "No. Today you guys go home or study. Tomorrow, it's a Friday, you can come to Jackson’s house and we can go out. After class. No skipping the last subject or anything."

Bambam looked mad at the decision and Yugyeom looked at him warily, as if he knew why he was doing this. They finally relented and let Jinyoung get in the car with Jaebum following behind in his car. He was going to sit in his place beside Yugyeom when he pushed Bambam towards the back and sat in front.

"Nyoung!" Bambam wailed since his head hit the door while Yugyeom slid beside him, touching his hand. "That hurt!"

"Let Yugyeom kiss it better for you," Jinyoung snickered.

The ride back to Jackson's apartment was quiet, with Bambam holding onto Yugyeom's hand behind them and Jinyoung staring directly in front. It didn't take long before they were in front of the building and Jinyoung had to leave the car.

Bambam was the one who spoke first. "Do you like Jaebum hyung, Nyoung?" he asked.

"Of course, he's my friend. He's… he's just been missing from my life in a long while," he answered and was confused over the question. He likes all his friends and if he didn't like Jaebum as a friend, he would've thrown him out the first day.

"What Bambam meant was, do you  _ like  _ Jaebum hyung?" Yugyeom repeated with emphasis this time. "Because you seem like you do. You look at him the same way Bambam and I look each other. You lean on his touch and… it feels like you've liked him for a long time."

Jinyoung wasn't even able to answer as he's frozen on his seat.

He had known, of course, that he has feelings for Jaebum he didn't have for anyone else. He was attached to him when he first met him because he was the first one who even paid attention to him that wasn't his nurse or doctor. Then he started looking forward to his visits as if he was a child who has a crush on his babysitter. When years went by, he hasn't had a crush on anyone because there was only one person who was stuck in his mind: Im Jaebum.

But  _ like _ ?  _ Like _ felt too much of a feeling when it's been only 2 days since Jaebum had stopped treating him like he's a scum of the Earth.  _ Like  _ needs years to cultivate and a resemblance of knowledge about the other person to be even considered.

"That's impossible," Jinyoung only replied before getting out of the car and closing it. He needed to get away and maybe think about this, let it mule in his mind and then maybe he'd have a better response to their question.

"You okay?" Jaebum suddenly appeared beside him and Jinyoung tensed. "Are you feeling cold, Jinyoung?"

Bambam's car drove away and Jinyoung was left alone with Jaebum.

He could feel his heart beating fast and where Jaebum's body was touching him burning. He remembers all those times he had thought of Jaebum as his, thinking that the older would come back and take him again. He could almost see them as a child's imagination, except Jinyoung wasn't a child anymore.

There was no one else in the world that Jinyoung could see himself with, except Jaebum.

"I'm okay, hyung. You should go home, too." Jinyoung told him, turning around and walking to his apartment without looking back. The tears were threatening to spill and he could feel his heart aching with every step he took that Jaebum didn't even call him back.

Bambam and Yugyeom were wrong, Jinyoung though. Because he didn't like Jaebum, he  _ loved  _ him even before his mind could understand what that was.

The problem was, Jaebum would never like him back.

_ PARK JINYOUNG IS AN IDIOTIC AND STUPID INTERN THAT ONLY GOT IN BECAUSE OF HIS MENTAL SHIT. HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HERE. HE'S STUPID. HE'S SHIT. HE'S A FUCKING KID TRYING TO PLAY ADULT. HE DOESN'T BELONG IN OUR WORLD. HE DOESN'T BELONG IN MY WORLD. I WON'T EVER LIKE HIM, OKAY KANG YEONGHYUN? NOW GET OUT. _

Because even if Jaebum went back to him and treats him nicely again, Jinyoung will never belong in Im Jaebum's world.

Jaebum said so, himself.

"Hyung!" Jinyoung paused when he saw Jaebum talking to Jae and Yeonghyun in his office. He had forgotten, with how long they had treated each other casually since Wednesday right up to Sunday, what they really are. Now it was Monday and he decided to give the work thing another try. He had, however, forgotten that Jaebum was still his boss.

Jaebum, however, didn't seem to mind at all. "Oh, Jinyoung, come here. I bought some kitty cookies on the way here. Do you want to share them? Jae and Yeonghyun were just about to leave." He was beaming, the plastic dangling in his fingertips.

"I brought choco drinks for us, too." Jinyoung replied, blushing when Yeonghyun looked at them confusedly. "I can wait outside until you finish the meeting…" He bowed to the two and then to Jaebum before leaving.

The moment the door closed and Jinyoung left, Jae demanded, "What happened?"

Jaebum looked at him innocently, "What happened with what? Just pass me everything when you're finished and we could talk later. Okay? Tell Jinyoung to come in when you get out."

"Don't play innocent with us, Im Jaebum! Just a week ago you were telling us that he's a stupid shit and that you won't ever like him and now, what?" Jae looked furious, " _ Hyung? Kitty cookies? Choco drinks?  _ What the fuck happened?"

Jaebum looked at the door. "Jinyoung's waiting, Jae. Maybe not today."

Jae huffed and turned around while Yeonghyun looked at him curiously as he followed the other out of the door. A moment later, Jinyoung comes in with his eyes down and looking every bit as sad. He placed one choco drink on the table and smiled slowly at him.

"Jinyoung?" Jaebum was confused, they were supposed to eat together and he was going to tell Jinyoung to help him with some real work and not just arranging files. The day was about letting Jinyoung learn what he should've been learning a month ago.

"You can have this, sir." Jinyoung's voice quivered at the word  _ sir _ . "I have to finish some work I left last week." He bowed and immediately left the room, closing the door even before Jaebum could process what the other had said.

Jaebum looked at the lone choco drink on his table and the kitty cookies on his hand. He wanted to stand up, go out the door and hold Jinyoung's hand to reassure him that returning back to work doesn't mean they have to act like strangers. It doesn't matter to Jaebum and it probably wouldn't matter to his CEO, so it shouldn't matter to Jinyoung.

However, with the amount of work Jaebum was slumped with due to being absent last week, he couldn't do just that. If he wanted to have lunch with Jinyoung later, he has to read through all the reports and proposals for the clients. Especially after that huge scandal that one of their clients got into.

Jaebum took one last glance at the door and frowned. "Jinyoung…"

 

The thing is, Jaebum was never a good person. True, he was nice to everyone, but that was just because he wanted them to love him. Jae and Yeonghyun have a clue to who he really was, but they don't know how deep Jaebum's darkness was.

Jinyoung was probably the only one who has a clue and that's only because Jaebum treated him like shit, just like… well, just like he treated Youngjae.

 

"We're going for lunch." Jaebum announced to Jinyoung who was busy typing up an old document that probably didn't need to be re-typed at all. He made a mental note to give the boy a real job later. He just looked up at him, confused. "Don't play innocent with me, Park Jinyoung. You promised to eat lunch with me today."

Jinyoung's confusion turned to a pout. "Hyung-sir, I know I did. But. They. Uhm. Everyone?" he was struggling with his words, not knowing how to explain it. "Everyone will see?" 

"So? Who cares?" Jaebum rolled his eyes, "Let's go for lunch. I know a good pizza place a few stores down."

Jinyoung's eyes perked up at the thought of pizza, but it was obvious he still wasn't sure. "Are you sure… this is a good idea, hyu-sir?" he asked, eyes turned to the door where the whole department was. He looked scared and terrified, something Jaebum wanted to wipe away from his face.

"You can call me hyung, I don't mind. Yes, even in work." Jaebum interrupted when Jinyoung looked like he was about to protest. "I know it feels weird, a week ago we were just fighting. Now… we're friends? And I want to make it up to you. For everything." For the past ten years, he didn't say out loud.

"Friends…" Jinyoung whispered and Jaebum suddenly felt as if the other boy didn't like the sound of that at all, but before he could question it, Jinyoung had smiled. "Pizza for lunch, your treat, hyung."

Jaebum laughed. "Of course. You're buying the choco drinks tomorrow, though. From the selling box." He winked at Jinyoung's expression.

"You remember! Oh my gosh, hyung! How could you remember something embarrassing like that?" Jinyoung pretended to hide his face in his hands and curl up in his seat, but it was obvious he was laughing with the way he was shaking.

"Come on, lazy ass! Let's go eat lunch!" Jaebum took his hand from his face and held it tight. Jinyoung was indeed laughing, his face a bit red from it. He smiled fondly. "Lunch, Jinyoung?"

"Of course, Jaebum hyung." Jinyoung answered, letting Jaebum lead him out of the room.

Everyone watched the two of them walk out together, smiling to each other as they left the office. It was only when they were walking in the street that Jinyoung realized that Jaebum never let go of his hand and that's probably why everyone was staring at them.

 

Jaebum was really busy and he hated it. He had wanted to teach Jinyoung on some things personally, but the amount of workload he has and the deadlines were something he couldn't ignore. Sighing, he just dedicated his time working as fast as he could so he could take Jinyoung home just as he promised Bambam and Yugyeom.

Not realizing how the time passed by with only little interruptions from his staff that either needed his signature or had a call waiting for him, he was done with an hour earlier than the time he was supposed to take Jinyoung home. He had two options: he could go and teach Jinyoung about work or he could take the boy out for dinner.

Jaebum grinned to himself, "Dinner it is." He grabbed his coat and his briefcase before walking out the office, a huge smile on his face meant just for Jinyoung. He was, however, surprised to see Jae and Yeonghyun (although he knew he shouldn't be, knowing the two) staring at Jinyoung intently while the boy was just looking innocently at them. He decided to save him from his fate. "What the hell are you two doing here? Shouldn't you be working?"

Jae obviously didn't care as he turned his head at him. "What did you do to Jinyoung? You didn't poison him or anything, did you?" his eyes turned into slits as if analyzing Jaebum.

Jaebum could only blink, not understanding. "What? Poison?"

"Poison! You obviously poisoned him to make him come back here and like you!" Jinyoung had flinched, Jaebum thought it was because Jae had reminded him of what happened before. It made him want to strangle his friend.

"You even hypnotized him to make sure you won't tell us!" Yeonghyun added, making the conversation even more ridiculous than it already is. But judging by the serious face and pointed stare, Yeonghyun was seriously considering the option.

Jae and Yeonghyun's accusations make sense, now that Jaebum thought about it. Just last week he was being a complete ass towards Jinyoung and now they're sharing cookies and drinks, even he would've  questioned it if he didn't know their past.

_ Their past.  _ Jaebum paused as the reminded woke up feelings he wasn't ready to tackle right now. Their past is intertwined with the past that Jaebum is set on forgetting even while he's repenting for it, but his priorities changed when he realized that Jinyoung wasn’t just his past.

"Jinyoung, let's go home now. I'll drive you home." Jaebum walked towards the boy and grabbed his wrists, waiting for him to stand up and hurriedly fixed his things with only one hand. Jae and Yeonghyun looked at the two of them with irritation. He needed to tell them something soon, knowing he shouldn't just leave them in the dark. They had, after all, helped him realize what he had done.

It didn't take long before they were out of the office the same way they left for lunch. Except this time, Jaebum was holding Jinyoung's wrists and they were leaving to go to his car. They went inside silently, both sitting on their designated seats as they wore their seat belts. The silence was deafening and was only broken when they were already on the streets, passing by swiftly since there wasn't any traffic.

"Hyung…" Jinyoung paused and looked as if he regretted it. It took him another minute, Jaebum letting him, before he continued his earlier sentence. "I thought Bambam and Gyeommie said they were going to pick me up for a celebratory dinner of sorts?"

"Bambam called this morning and informed me that they had to go on a study date," Jaebum chuckled. "Although, looking like it, they probably won't be doing any studying at all."

Jinyoung didn't say anything and it worried Jaebum, especially after he looked at him and saw sadness marring the boy's face. It worried him even more when Jinyoung stayed silent up until they reached Jaebum's favorite Japanese restaurant. He had turned to Jaebum, now looking confused.

"Dinner." Jaebum answered his question silently before leaving the car to open Jinyoung's side.

"Such a gentleman, hyung." Jinyoung snorted as he walked out of the car and eyed the restaurant. "I can't afford this, hyung… It looks expensive."

"Who said you were paying?" Jaebum told the boy, taking his arm. "It's a date so I'm paying."

Jinyoung flushed, but Jaebum never saw it.

 

The whole week breezed past the two of them with nothing special happening. They went for lunch together, spent breaks drinking choco instead of coffee, and went to dinner before going home. It was fun and Jaebum enjoyed teaching the other boy about work and different kinds of food during lunch and dinner. He knew the Jinyoung was enjoying it, if his enthusiasm over work and full stomach was any hints. But even he looked happy, Jaebum could see a certain sadness in the boy's eyes.

"Is there anything wrong, Jinyoung?"Jaebum asked when he was dropping Jinyoung home on a Friday night. They planned to watch movies tomorrow in Jaebum's apartment so they were going home early after trying every street food stall they passed by.

Jinyoung just stared at him. "I'm sorry, hyung. I can't tell you. Not tonight, maybe."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't trust you enough, that's why." Jinyoung told him, eyes trained on him. The way Jinyoung looked at him was hard and determined, but for some reason, all Jaebum could see was the pain and sadness and unease hidden in the corner.

"I trust you, though." Jaebum countered.

Jinyoung shook his head, a sad smile in his lips. "But you don't, hyung. You don't trust me enough."

"W-What do you mean?" Jaebum was frowning, hands on the wheel tightly.

"Hyung, when you left me years ago, I realized something." Jinyoung wasn't looking at him anymore, eyes on the window. It was raining lightly and people were passing by with umbrellas, foot shuffling as fast and careful as they could. "I realized that I didn't know who you are, hyung. I didn't know Im Jaebum, not as someone more than the person who came to visit me. Where did you live? Who were your best friends? Were you the top of your class or were you just the average studious kid?"

Jaebum continued driving as the light turned green. His eyes was on the road, but his ears and heart went to the boy sitting beside him. For some reason he could feel Jinyoung's emotion radiating through the small space between them and it felt like he was being swallowed whole. All he wanted to do right now is to wrap his arms around Jinyoung's shoulders to assure him of whatever it is that's bothering him.

"I realized, hyung, that I don't know you at all. Even right now, I don't know you any better." Jinyoung told him, his head turning to look at Jaebum. "Maybe I know you're an ass that could get me or anyone, hated by everyone. Maybe I know what food you like to eat or your favorite drink. Maybe I know about your small habits that seemed insignificant. But, hyung, do I even know you at all?"

"You're probably the one who knows me best." Jaebum answered honestly and it's the truth. Only Jinyoung had seen him at his best and worst, the truth behind both those masks. But maybe, just like the boy said, it wasn’t enough.

Suddenly, Jinyoung asked a question that Jaebum didn't know the answer, either. "What am I to you, hyung?" 

Jaebum stopped the car at his usual parking space in front of Jinyoung's apartment building. "You're… You're my Jinyoung. You're the boy who I met and saw a side, both sides of me, that I didn't know and didn't want to show to anyone."

But it wasn't the answer Jinyoung was looking for. "Am I your friend, hyung? Your subordinate? Your what? Because I don't know, hyung. How am I supposed to act? Am I just supposed to be that kid that was attached to you when I was 17, but thinks like a 7 year old? In case you didn't realize, hyung, I'm not that kid anymore."

"Jinyoung--"

"I don't know a single thing about you, hyung." When Jinyoung said it, he sounded so broken that Jaebum thought he heard his voice break.

"You know enough, Jinyoung."

Jinyoung opened the door. "Maybe that's not enough, hyung." The he left and closed the door, leaving a huge question in Jaebum's mind.

Jinyoung was just supposed the replacement brother back when Youngjae couldn't accept Jaebum, he was supposed to receive all the misplaced affections that Jaebum didn't and wasn't able to give his own brother. He was supposed to be the boy, the brother, who will grow up loving and caring for Jaebum like a real brother.

But now, what was he? He wasn’t that kid anymore. He wasn't able to grow up as Youngjae's replacement because Jaebum himself had left him when he needed him the most. So Jinyoung wasn't Youngjae's replacement, not anymore. Yet, Jaebum cared enough for the boy that he didn't want to lose him.

So, Jinyoung was supposed to be just a brother… wasn't he?

_ "Hyung, I trust you." Jinyoung whispered in his ears, his lips spread in a sincere smile while his eyes was bright. "Do you trust me too, hyung?" _

_ "I do, I trust you." _

_ "Trust me, hyung." Jinyoung said before he wrapped his arms around Jaebum's neck, his chin resting on shaking shoulders. "Trust me and forgive yourself, hyung. It's been too long." _

Jaebum was pushing off the blanket over his feet when he realized that he just dreamed.

_ Dream. _

There was no flashes of the past and repeated conversations. There was only Jinyoung and Jaebum, how they are in the present. It was then that he realized that he's been falling asleep without trouble and without nightmares for two weeks now--ever since he and Jinyoung cleared things up.

For two weeks now, he hasn't dreamt of the nightmare of his past. For two weeks now, he's fallen asleep without any trouble. No thoughts. No tears. No fears crawling up his skin. There were only thoughts of Jinyoung, Jinyoung and more Jinyoung as if he was his salvation.

"Youngjae, I'm so sorry…" he sat up and buried his face in his hands.

Jinyoung still came for movies. He brought with him two bags of popcorn and a dozen packs of choco. Jaebum raised an eyebrow at it, but the other boy just rolled his eyes and went inside. Chuckling, he just closed the door and walked towards the living room wherein he had prepared all the movies they were supposed to watch.

The boy was already holding a CD with a grin. "Hey, hyung, let's watch Up! first, huh?"

Jaebum groaned, already realizing his mistake at having told Jinyoung he was a sucker for sad animated movies. He reminds himself to hide his DVD box set of Anohana where Jinyoung will never look. Possibly under his bed or inside his underwear drawer.

"Put the popcorn in and I'll prepare the TV, you--"

"No name calling, hyung!" Jinyoung teased, disappearing inside his kitchen.

Jinyoung just laughed grabbing the CD of Up! He set up the TV and DVD player, inserting the movie and pausing the beginning so he could wait for Jinyoung. He placed the remote on the couch and went to the kitchen, checking up to make sure the other hasn't burned it down yet.

"How's the popcorn?" he asked, seeing Jinyoung with the bowl.

"Still 2 minutes left, but otherwise doing well. Do you want some nachos? I got a free one." Jinyoung pulled up the bag, showing Jaebum.

_ Nachos _ .

Jaebum tighten his lips and shook his head. "Only popcorn."

Jinyoung was eyeing him, but didn't say anything. He placed the bag of nachos back to the table and went to check up on the popcorn that's making popping sounds, making him smile. "Go back to the couch, hyung, and choose your seat. I'll be there in a sec, too."

"Just don’t burn down anything, okay?" he reminded the boy before he left the room to walk back to the couch, sitting on the right.

Jinyoung followed not long after, a bowl of popcorn and two chocos on his hand. He placed them on the table and handed Jaebum one drink, opening another one for himself. "Press play, hyung."

Jaebum did.

It was only after two popcorns, the whole dozen of chocos, a bag of gummy worms from Jaebum's refrigerator and 3 movies after that they stopped. Jaebum's eyes were red just as Jinyoung's nose were runny as they finished the ending scene of Colorful.

Just as Jaebum was about to stand up and grab another box of tissue before they watch Anohana (he had accidentally mentioned it and Jinyoung protested that they have to watch it), he felt a hand on his arm. Jinyoung was hugging his knees to his chest while the hand not touching Jaebum was fisted in his hair.

"Is everything alright?" Jaebum asked, taking Jinyoung's hand in his, wrapping them together.

"Hyung…" Jinyoung turned to look at him, his eyes still puffy from all the tears they shed from watching movies. "Have you ever felt like you're alone even when you're with people you know loves you? Have you ever… felt like, maybe, they don't really want you there even if they say they do? Have you ever felt like you're intruding in their lives?"

Jaebum cocked his eyebrow at him, holding the hand tighter. He remembered those times, when Youngjae still hangs around with them, that Mark's attention will solely be on his brother. It was the reason, that feeling like you're not needed and you're intruding, that he had forced them apart. It was the reason Youngjae hated him.

"Yeah, I have. Have you?" Jaebum watched Jinyoung's expression and in that moment, he knew the secret that the boy has been hiding. "Is this about Bambam and Yugyeom, Jinyoung?"

The boy started tearing up, adding more to the drying tears in his cheeks. Jaebum stopped the urge to wipe them away with his thumb, instead rubbed soothing circles (or so, he hopes) on the boy's hands. He knew that crying helps, and that's the only thing he wanted Jinyoung to have. Help.

"I only have Bambam, Yugyeom, Jackson, Junhyeok hyung and Dowoon in my life, hyung. I've lived the past ten years of my life hanging onto them and clinging to their kindness. I intruded in Bambam and Yugyeom's friendship, forced my way into Jackson’s home, abused Junhyeok hyung's kindness and interfered in Dowoon's life." Jinyoung said, his voice quivering with every word he spoke.

"No, you're--" But before Jaebum could continue his sentence, Jinyoung had already started speaking again.

"You can't tell me no, hyung. Dowoon's going to start College and he's going to live his life the way he should've been doing so, with people like him. Junhyeok hyung has become too busy with his work, letting him have a reason never to come during our Saturday dinners. Jackson, too, is coming home less and less, probably not wanting me there." Jinyoung paused, wiping the tears falling from his eyes with his sleeves. Jaebum would've berated him for it, but he knew better than to do so, now.

"And Bambam and Yugyeom?" Jaebum asked, having an inkling of where this was going.

"Are too busy with each other to pay attention to me anymore. The moment they confessed their feelings with each other, they abandoned me. They told you to take me home, didn't they? They cancelled on our weekly Friday outings, so are our Sunday brunch plus an afternoon of gaming." Jinyoung looked so broken when he smiled at Jaebum's direction, "Everyone abandoned me, hyung. The moment they could get rid of me, they did. I'm alone, hyung, and that's my biggest fear of all."

The look in Jinyoung's eyes, so broken and pained, was the reason Jaebum couldn't stay on his side of the couch and wrapped his arms around the boy. Jinyoung immediately threw his arms around Jaebum's neck, sobbing on his shoulders and wetting his shirt, but he couldn't care less.

"You're not alone, Jinyoung. You're not." Jaebum whispered over Jinyoung's broken sobs, "You have me."

Jinyoung shook his head, some of his hair hitting Jumyeon's neck. "I don't have you, hyung. I never did and not until I know who you are, I won't ever have you. Because, hyung, having someone meant having all of them--even their past."

This is only when Jaebum realized what Jinyoung had meant last night. Because Jaebum knew about Jinyoung's past, was a witness to it, even. He knows about Jinyoung's condition and knew everyone in his life. He was a huge part of who Jinyoung is right now and yet, Jinyoung knows nothing about him. Nothing at all.

"If I tell you, you might hate me." Jaebum told him honestly. How could Jinyoung not, when Jaebum hates himself?

Jinyoung pulled away enough for them to be face to face as he shook his head. "I could never hate you, hyung."

"You would." Jaebum assured him, his hands holding Jinyoung's body tightly. How long has it been since he was this close to someone? Never, that's when. There's been no one else who had come so close to Jaebum, no one before Jinyoung.

"I won't. I could never hate you, hyung. Not even when you broke your promise and never came back again. Not even when you treated me like an ass and pretended to never remember me. Not even when you called me names and--" Jinyoung shook his head again, "I could never, hyung."

It was the warmth in Jinyoung's eyes, the comfort of his body so close to his, and the words of assurances that broke Jaebum's barriers. He knew, right this moment, that it's either he told Jinyoung of who he was and have the boy with him or lose him all together. He knew that Jinyoung would never push him, but he also knew that Jinyoung won't ever trust him.

Jaebum took a deep breath before he sat down properly, holding Jinyoung's hands in his. "I'm Im Jaebum and I had one younger brother named Youngjae. He's two younger than me, but he died ten years ago." he was choking on his words, not thoroughly prepared to say the next words. "I killed him."

Once the words were out there, Jaebum couldn't stop telling the story. He told Jinyoung how he was jealous that his parents were so fond of Youngjae so he got jealous and made sure no one in school liked his brother. He told him how he was nice to everyone and gained their trust and hearts, making sure they all loved him. He sobbed when he told him how he treated his brother poorly even if he knew that all Youngjae wanted was for Jaebum to accept him.

"He loved me, Jinyoung. Youngjae loved me as his brother and I was never, not once, a brother to him," Jaebum was the one sobbing now, eyes stinging from all the tears it had shed that day. "All he wanted was my acceptance, Jinyoung. I never even gave him that."

Jinyoung just looked at him sadly, "Hyung…"

Jaebum told him about meeting Mark Tuan one day and realizing who the boy was to his brother. He told him how there was no particular reason to wanting Mark away from his brother, but just the fact that he didn't want Youngjae to have anyone. He told him about plotting, years of slowly pulling the two away from each other until he succeeded.

"The moment I saw them together, Jinyoung, you have to understand. All I wanted was to steal Mark away because Youngjae was supposed to be alone." Jaebum shook his head, "I was that horrible. I plotted for years and didn't stop until I knew Youngjae never talked to Mark anymore. I just wanted my brother to be miserable."

This time, Jinyoung never said anything.

Jaebum continued about how, in the next few years, his plan backfired and he was the one who fell for Mark. It wasn't hard, he said, because there was nothing about Mark that could ever hate. There was only perfection and everything that Jaebum needed--Mark was caring and patient and loving. Except, Mark only wanted Youngjae.

"I took away everything from Youngjae, everyone. He had no friends except the losers from dance club, but he had the one person I ever really wanted." Jaebum pulled away one of his hand from Jinyoung's to wipe away some of the tears. "Youngjae had Mark."

The next part were the hardest for Jaebum. He choked and sobbed in between telling Jinyoung of how he hated Youngjae after he started dating Mark. He plotted again, knowing how important the showcase was for Youngjae and knowing how good of a friend Mark was. He used the two against each other, hoping that Mark would miss the showcase and Youngjae would hate the other.

"Instead of gaining everything, I lost everything that day." Jaebum could feel his hands shaking. He had all these feelings buried for years, but never once had he ever said them out loud. He always kept them hidden in the darkness of his mind and nursed the hatred for himself deep in his heart. "But my loss was nothing to Youngjae's. He withdraw from everything, he lived each day as if he was dead. And this time, his hatred towards me was nothing compared to how I felt for him. He could've just killed me, sneaked into my bedroom and strangled me, but he didn't."

Jinyoung looked at him, his face blank of any emotion.

"Youngjae never plotted to kill me because he had planned to kill himself." The words were choked, stuck in his throat like a lump. "We saw him talking to no one in his room, conversing with himself. There were times he went out of the house, holding the air as if he was holding a hand."

Jinyoung's eyebrows furrowed. "He was… imagining someone?"

"He saw Mark." Jaebum confirmed.

Jaebum could remember the conversation he had with Junhyeok about Youngjae's behavior, prepared to tell his parents the next day. However, he wasn't able to because Youngjae had tried to kill himself that night. He remembers hearing the thump of wood hitting the floor and remembered how here was only one wooden furniture that could make a sound like that.

The next part of the story was easier not because it hurts less, but because Jaebum knew there was no reason to hid anything anymore. The worst has been said, Jinyoung now knows he killed Mark. He had ruined his brother's life with just a phone call to his brother's boyfriend. Now he had to face the consequences and admit that his brother, this time, had killed himself because he wanted Jaebum to forever remember it and suffer.

"You can't be sure about that--" Jinyoung was cut off with Jaebum's,  “I wish you hell, hyung.”

"Youngjae's last words were exactly that,  _ I wish you hell, hyung. _ " he smiled sadly at Jinyoung's face. "He wanted me to suffer and remember it forever. It was the least I could do, Jinyoung. I made his life hell, stole his only friend and killed them both afterwards. The least I could do is live and fulfill his wish."

Jinyoung was frowning at him now, forehead wrinkled in obvious irritation.

"When I left you ten years ago, it was because I couldn’t stay here. I saw Youngjae everywhere and the only way I could escape and not be tempted to kill myself, was to study abroad. True, I came back in hopes that maybe I could do that better this time." Jaebum closed his eyes, letting the flashes of the past ten years of his life replay over and over. "I was never a good man, Jinyoung. I was nice to everyone because I wanted them to like me, but I never got close to anyone to ever let them see who I really am."

"You were an asshole to me." Jinyoung stated the truth.

"You knew who I was, saw a side of me that no one ever had. You were part of my past that I had to bury deep." Jaebum opened them and looked Jinyoung directly in the eye, hoping his next words weren't misunderstood. "You saw me at my best when no one else hasn't. You had my love and care when my own brother didn't.  _ You were alive when Youngjae wasn't. _ "

Jaebum saw the exact moment that the pain flashed in Jinyoung's eyes and felt the exact moment the other boy had pulled away to leave his space. But he didn't let go, still holding Jinyoung's hands tightly in his own as he held their gaze.

"You have to understand, Jinyoung, that I'm a selfish man," Jaebum whispered, knowing that Jinyoung could hear him perfectly. "I was pushing you away so you would leave, but the moment I thought I lost you…"

"You came back for me." Jinyoung finished, looking hopeful and afraid both at the same time. "You came back for me, hyung."

"That, I did." Jaebum agreed.

Jinyoung moved closer, entangling their legs together in between them. "Hyung."

"Hm?" Jaebum cocked an eyebrow at him.

Jinyoung grinned lazily at him, "Fuck my complicated age. Fuck my abandonment issues. Fuck your past. Fuck your hatred with yourself. And, not too sorry for this, but--" he cleared his throat. "Fuck Youngjae, you can live your life now."

Jaebum made a strangling sound.

"Trust me, hyung." Jinyoung said with a squeeze in their intertwined hands. "Trust me and forgive yourself, hyung. It's been too long. It's ten years too long."

Jaebum watched Jinyoung's eager eyes and felt the comforting warmth between them. He closed his eyes and saw Youngjae's face, saw Mark's face and the words  _ I wish you hell, hyung  _ rang in his ears. He should say no. He should push Jinyoung away and go back to how he was before. He owed Youngjae that much.

But Jaebum was never a good man, he has always been selfish.

"I trust you, Jinyoung."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading i hope it's not too much of a disappointment


	6. Epilogue

"Hyung! Hurry up! Bambam will skin us alive if we're late!" Jinyoung hissed, tying his tie as perfectly as he could. Which isn’t much, it has always been Jaebum who did it for him. "Hyung! What's taking you so long?!"

Jaebum came out of the bathroom already dressed and hair styled up nicely. He didn't wear any perfume because Jinyoung liked the smell of their soap better. The older man rolled his eyes at Jinyoung's grin, walking towards him and taking the tie in his own hands and tying it up.

"There, you look like a human now." Jaebum teased, laughing when Jinyoung pretended to claw at him. "Come on."

"Pft. I was the one saying you needed to hurry up earlier."

 

Bambam, Yugyeom and Dowoon's graduation was a huge affair. A lot of government officials were there because Dowoon won a full scholarship for KAIST from the government's program. Jinyoung remembered scoffing when Dowoon looked surprise at having won it, none of them ever considered him not getting it.

Of course, Dowoon gave the valedictorian speech and everyone cheered when he ended it with a short awkward dance. Bambam received a trophy for winning various fashion design competition for the school while Yugyeom received a medal for being the best looking student for the whole batch.

"Is this a legitimate award?" Jaebum whispered while they clapped.

Jinyoung leaned in and whispered back, "Are we sure Bambam didn't pay the school to give this award to Yugyeom? Who would ever think he's good looking?"

Jaebum giggled and the parent beside them was eyeing them with distaste. They didn't care and continued giggling, until the next award was given and they stopped paying attention.

The party was held in the hospital's 6th floor waiting place. Since they were close to everyone in the floor as well as the hospital administration, they were allowed to prepare a small party that consisted of a lot of food (courtesy of Bambam) and great music selection (courtesy of Dowoon's iPod). Nurses were dancing with their patients and parents were chatting up with doctors.

"You were wrong, did you realize?" Jaebum suddenly said beside Jinyoung, smiling at him. "You were absolutely wrong."

Jinyoung frowned. "About what now?"

"Bambam and Yugyeom still treats you like their third leg, not able to do anything without you. Dowoon still sees you like his role model, on why, I have no idea." Jaebum yelped when Jinyoung hit him, but he still continued. "Jackson cried when you said you're moving out to live with me. And Junhyeok hyung, my beloved cousin, threw a huge tantrum when you told him how you felt."

Jinyoung snorted. "Yeah, it seems like I'll be stuck with these idiots for a few more years." His tone was sarcastic, but Jaebum could see the fondness in his eyes when he scanned the room to look for the said people.

Bambam and Yugyeom were dancing, but were more interested in stepping on each other's foot. Dowoon was talking to one of the doctors, probably inquiring something related to his course Mathematical Sciences. Jackson was munching on some Lays chips while swaying to the beat. Junhyeok was talking to Yugyeom's parents, all of them laughing at some poin.

"And me, you're stuck with me, right?" Jaebum bumped his shoulders to Jinyoung's.

"As if I had a choice," Jinyoung sighed exaggeratedly and stood up. "I'm just going to buy something."

Jaebum watched Jinyoung walk towards the vending machine, probably buying another pack of choco. Grinning, he followed as well and stood behind the other boy. They were the same height even now and probably the same built, Jinyoung was just slightly slimmer. Jinyoung had his hair dyed to chocolate brown while Jaebum had his blonde.

"It won't go down!" Jinyoung grunted, knocking on the glass as if this would work. "Damnit."

"Is the selling box being nasty to you?" Jaebum teased and the other boy tuned around so fast, his face in a pout. "You are such a kid, Jinyoung. You know knocking on the glass won't help."

Jinyoung just shrugged, "Wouldn't hurt to try."

Jaebum smiled, "We first met in front of this selling box."

"Stop teasing me, hyung! I know what it's called now!" Jinyoung whined, but smiled at the end as well. "Yeah, we did. Thank you for helping me, hyung."

Jaebum shook his head, "Nah, you're the one that helped me."

Jinyoung beamed, "I sure did."

They laughed together, both forgetting that Jinyoung has a choco. The machine suddenly chimed and one pack dropped, they both paused to look at it before bursting a fit of giggles. Jinyoung grabbed he choco in his hand before slipping the free one with Jaebum's.

"Let's go, hyung." Jinyoung said and for some reason, Jaebum knew he meant something else. They were walking now, a bit too fast for Jaebum's taste since he's being dragged.

"Let's take things slow, Jinyoung. We need it." Jaebum answered and he was right because Jinyoung rolled his eyes, understanding what he meant. "One step at a time, Jinyoung."

Jinyoung huffed, "One step, two step. Who cares? They're just the same. You just need to reach the destination."

"You're my ending point, Jinyoung."

"And you're my finish line, hyung."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand done
> 
> thank you so much for reading this and waiting for it, i appreciate and love all your comments! i'm sorry the epilogue is short but it's just that, an epilogue. sorry if it's a little disappointing
> 
> see ya'll next fic if i ever write another one?


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